(WARNING! CONTAINS SPOILERS)
Film Review: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy:
On December 17th 2003, at 7:40 PM I went to the Brick Plaza Lowes cinema to watch the highly anticipated third film of The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
On January 8th 2004, at 9:56 AM I emerged from the theater. My grizzled beard told only part of a tale of exhaustion. To say nothing of the now festering bed sores on my weary hind side. To make matters worse, the film had reached its logical ending just before midnight on Dec. 17th. The remainder of the film was a series of post scripts. Each of which could have been followed by credits rather than a long fade and another scene.
My complaint about the length of the film aside, the movie it self was woeful. I had expected better since the second film had proven far better than the first. Rather than a curve however, we got a hump. Perhaps a cliff.
Let me organize my thoughts so we can approach each crappy aspect one at a time. Presented here in order of severity from least painful to most agonizing: Ten reasons why the Lord of the Rings trilogy sucked equal parts goat and donkey butt:
It's way to long. At least to long to be condensed into three films. If it had been made a quadrillogy it may have been bearable. Better yet, it should have been a mini series. Length is not always a problem for movies, but in order to be long, one must also be strong, and down to get the friction on.
9. Failure to distinguish between elves and ninjas.
Don't get me wrong Legolas is my favorite character in the whole thing. However the films fail to explain why it is that he is the supreme butt kicking machine. We are left thinking that he rules because he's an elf, and elves are part ninja. The problem here is that it invalidates the premise of the entire story. If the average elf is even half as tough as Legolas than the whole problem could have been solved by sending twenty or so straight into Mordor to kick the crap out of everything.
8. Travel time.
Travel time anomalies occur throughout the films. I will use only one example. In the time it takes Samwise and Frodo to climb down a hill, Aragorn marches the army of Gondor all the way to the black gate. Right......
7. No hot chicks.
Having that many elves and no hot chicks is inexcusable. Shame on the tubby director for casting only quasi good looking women he thinks his chunky butt can score with. Add to that, shame on anyone for ever casting Liv "Shoulders of the Great Mountain Ox" Tyler in any role. Scratch that, she'd make a good Colossus.
6. The mighty white wizard er... warrior...
Gandolf casts only two spells in the whole of the third film. WTF!? Furthermore, this nine hundred year old man is an unstoppable juggernaut in battle. Which brings me to my next point.
5. Orcs are wus bags
Orcs get butt kicked by anyone trying. Old men, women, Hobbits, whatever. In my estimation it would take 100,000 orcs to concour my office. Which makes my office roughly ten times more impregnable than Helms Deep. If it weren't for the ogres, massive siege weapons, Nasghoul, and fricken elephants, orcs couldn't overrun a bus stop.
4. We'll just use the invincible legion of the undead later I guess.
This should explain itself. Why, when Smith (the guy from the Matrix) presumably knew about the aforementioned legion did he wait till then to bring it up. I've got a plan: Instead of entrusting everyones future to a damned halfling alone in the wilderness. Why not call on our invincible army of the dead to simply escort him to Mt. Doom.
3. We need a guide!
No you don't! Easy solution: look around until you see a plume of fire ascending into relentlessly black clouds. Got it? good, walk that way. Dope. Which brings me to what would have been my first point if my new first point wasn't so glaring.
2. It's not a good story
Sorry. I know most of you cats disagree with me. But it is what it is. Allow me to summarize:
-Our heroes attempt to do something against all odds in the face of certain death.
-The fat hobbit cries
-The odds get even worse, the death more certain.
-The fat hobbit cries
-Something totally awesome happens at the last second and the good guys come out on top.
-The fat hobbit cries
-Lather, Rinse, Repeat....... About four hundred times.
Yes most good fantasy is built on a similar dynamic. Its the absurd repetition of this dynamic that makes it so awefull. Credit Tolkeen for creating the basis for most fantasy in terms of elves, dwarves, orcs, etc. Do not credit him with being a great writer. He does write a mean dramatic monologue though. Let me try: "All which was light fades. Darkness sits upon the precipace and calls outward to it's legion. The goodness of the world is all but consumed by shaddow." Sweet! But what the heck am I talking about?
And finnally the one thing which took an OK series with a half way decent story that was fun to watch for special effects, and turned it into a steaming heap of dung:
1. Samwise Gamgee is a crybaby wus bag!
Stop crying Rudi! I can't take it anymore. You stupid Fat Hobbit! Jimminy Christmas! If I ever see that fat little toad I swear to God I'm going to give him something to cry about! Couple that with bizarre Hobbitine homoeroticism between he and Frodo and you have a recipe for me puking in my shoes. This also goes to point #5 since Samwise (the king of all wus bags) manages to drop four of them like a bad habit. Speaking of bad habits, stop @#$^%#$ crying!
That is all