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Thread: FatMan's Guide to Paintball for Old Farts

  1. #1
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    Cool FatMan's Guide to Paintball for Old Farts

    FatMan's Guide to Paintball for Old Farts

    Back when I was a spritely 34 years old I got into paintball. As a newby I had a lot of important lessons to learn, the most critical of which were documented in "Walt's Thoughts on Paintball" (https://www.automags.org/forums/showt...threadid=17654) which some of you may have read. Now I am a crotchety old 40 and I am "the man" the "guru" or god of paintball. In the last 6 years many things have changed in paintball, and so I am here to share my hard-earned wisdom, particularly for the other old guys out there who just won't grow up and give up this silly game.

    Paintball is a young man's sport. In fact, I've read articles in paintball magazines where some kid says the old farts should be put out to pasture to play games of their own. I couldn't disagree more. There is nothing like getting out on the field and tagging those hot-shots who assume (correctly) I'm too old to run to the bunker and too fat to tie my shoes. My fondest memories are coming off the field after a fast game of speedball and shaking hands with the last few opponents as they wipe their goggles. It goes something like this:

    ME (breathing hard):
    THEM: that was a great move, I can't believe you made it, that must be what, 30 yards?
    ME (nodding head):
    THEM: you were like … and then I was like … and then he moved over there and then BAM I was out!
    ME (looking for a place to sit):
    THEM: hey, are you ok?
    ME: yeah! Thanks! Good game!
    PHIL: hey man you better sit down …

    Yeah, there's nothing like it. Of course, it helps to have someone to share your experiences with, and that's why I've got my old friend Phil. When I need to sit a game Phil complains about his back and I sit out with him. When he needs to sit a game I complain about my hemorrhoids and he sits out with me. Of course, sometimes we push each other to go that extra mile. Like that time he and I were playing back on an airball court. We were up 3 to 2 and Phil decides to make a move to the mid-court nacho. He runs up and makes this spectacular dive sliding into the bunker. I wasn't about to be upstaged, so I broke up my side, popped the guy in the back on the opposite side and then got my guy in quick firefight. Of course later as they were peeling Phil off the ground where he had tripped I realized it wasn't exactly the move he intended, but then what are friends for?

    Well, I could go on for hours, but the point of this posting was to give a few tips for the old guys and point out a few gripes us old guys have about why paintball isn't old guy friendly.

    The old-guy paintballer's survival kit:

    1. Advil - you are going to hurt after paintball, even if you never get hit. Be sure to bring the Advil
    2. Tucks - I can't get through a day of paintball without 'em. Nuff said!
    3. Chair - believe it or not, many of these places have NOWHERE to sit. I guess the youngsters like standing all the time, but I gotta sit.
    4. Water - they'll probably have "Power Juice" or "Gorilla Aid" or "The Dew" but if you can't tolerate the sugar like me, you'll want plenty of cold water!
    5. Pads - knee pads, elbow pads, butt pads, groin cup. Not so much for the paintballs but for when you fall down.
    6. Credit card - these kids buy a new marker every month so you got to be prepared. You'll never keep up with style, but maybe if you spend enough no one will notice!

    I'm not much of a tournament player, but if you DO decide to play tourneys you'll want to add a few things to the list:

    1. Testosterone - I ALWAYS play better when I've just had a shot of testosterone! Of course the young guys can use it - that would be cheating! But for us old farts with a prescription, it gives you the edge!
    2. Viagra - I've always heard that these tourneys involve a lot of peter contests and if my marker was as effective as my … well we're not going to be any less manly than we have to be eh?

    (Note: the author does not condone the use of drugs for sporting events)
    Finally, there are few things I would like to see at the paintball fields for us old guys:

    1. Chairs in the bunkers - getting up and down off my knees just isn't what it used to be.
    2. Taller bunkers - my old friend Phil got stuck in a bunker once. Just ran in and bent down and couldn't get back out - locked up his back! We're not that tall, but most of those bunkers are way too low.
    3. Clothing made for big men - I have an XXL jersey (yes, readers from my past article, I too now wear jerseys). The thing is loose and baggy in the shoulders, the arms too long, and yet its tight in the belly. As if XXL was for Arnold Swartzhisnagger! Come on guys! Us XXL and XXXL wearing guys are fat guys, not body builders! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen one of those REALLY big body builders playing paintball (why is that?).
    4. Paintball underwear - they have everything else, why not underwear that absorbs sweat before it runs down my crack and won't ride up in my crotch rubbing a rash that lasts for days. Everyone knows I've been to play paintball when I come in to the office walking funny! They think its because I was hit with paintballs but it isn't!
    5. Packs for big guys. The old-fashioned packs are a big flap held up with suspenders that flops around on your butt. They have N tube pouches +1 big one for a remote tank. Like anyone uses a remote tank any more! The modern ones have a nice tight grouping of pouches with a big elastic strap to hold the whole pack in place. I tried one of these. First off the thing barely stretches around me - I got about 1 inch of Velcro to hook. I run out on the field, shoot my hopper empty, go to pull a pod, and the things are wedged between my butt and the belt. So I'm out there pulling on the thing while three kids with Bushmasters and Angles are hosing my position. Finally I get my hand in there and the lid on the pod pops open dumping paint on the ground (and down my pants), which I am now in danger of sitting or kneeling in (or worse)! So finally I pull the whole belt off and get my paint out and fill my hopper, just in time to get gogged! Packs are made for skinny 18 year olds, not fat 40 year olds. Make me a good pack! Give it suspenders (given my shape, no amount of elastic banding will keep it up), make easy to get paint in and out with no wasted space and no flopping around.

    Yeah, yeah, I know! I sure expect a lot. Well when you've been playing as long as I have and you're my age let's see how you're doing, OK?

    I hope this has helped at least of few of you old-timers out there. If so, I'm sorry, and if not, try my older article it may be for you. If you found this article offensive, my old buddy Phil will be answering all complaints.

    Play safe and have fun,
    FatMan

  2. #2
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    lmao-
    AO #765
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    Good to know that somone of Tom's status seeks "relief" from a sport he helped create. A sport now ruled by a single patent.

  3. #3
    shartley Guest
    LOL Fantastic.... may I use it on another Site? I will of course give full credit. This is just too good to keep on one site... LOL

  4. #4
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    Please feel free to share

    sure. tell the world. be sure to tell anyone who knows Phil!

    FM

  5. #5
    shartley Guest
    LOL Thanks.. and I will be sure to use this to my advantage next time I talk with him.

  6. #6
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    For those of you who do not connect the "Phil" he is referring to...its me! cphilip. This is Dr. Walt Ligon that has finally joined our ranks. I have referred to Walt many times as you know. He is my mentor, friend and he is my paintball Idol. He introduced me to Mags and he is responsible for me being what I am. Well partly! Walt can still play with the best of them. But only for a little while. He has a keen sense of Humor and extremely intelligent and a bit sick too! I hope he will stay around and share with us. Everyone please welcome Walt aka "Fatman" to the Forum.


    AGD, where we are so good we can do it with only ONE tube!

    cphilip.com

  7. #7
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    Cool! I don't feel so old as part of this sport at 27 now. Keep up the good work.

  8. #8
    shartley Guest
    Well.... I just showed this to Kim (my Wife) and she gives you the thumbs up. LOL It was the FIRST and ONLY thing I have shown her from AO that made her laugh (or that she even found remotely funny).

    I also just submitted it for Publishing as an Article on RumbleMe.com (I am sure the WILL put it up. ).

    Oh.. and sorry for not welcoming you before... WELCOME!

  9. #9
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    I can usually be walking normal by wed. after a sun. game.
    Since I quit using a remote I found that an oxygen bottle fits in the 4+1 nicely.
    The look on the face of a 20 yr old after he found out he was outgunned by a 40+ year old is priceless!
    I can think faster than they can run.
    I know how you feel FatMan. But I don't feel like an "Old Fart".

  10. #10
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    Talking HAHAHA!

    That has got to be the funniest thing I ever read. Hey Phil...You have your hands full with this guy! Sounds like a real blast! Welcome to AO Fatman! BUWHAHAHAHA!
    Last edited by Tunaman; 02-17-2002 at 06:28 AM.
    Email me for low prices on ALL AGD Products and more. tunaman5@verizon.net
    Tunamart

  11. #11
    hey fatman, I hope you don't mind but I put a little quote from that in my sig. That is hillarious! You are a funny guy.
    2k1 Lockout Edition acid wash free flow cocker.
    Originally posted by FatMan
    4. Paintball underwear - they have everything else, why not underwear that absorbs sweat before it runs down my crack and won't ride up in my crotch rubbing a rash that lasts for days.
    FatMan

  12. #12
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    LMAO!!! Thats GREAT! HAH!! Excellent article FatMan! And sorry I dident welcome you before! So..

    WELCOME!!

  13. #13
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    GAG COUGH!!!!...
    Jesus man that was funny. I just want to know when you saw my bunker-trip-on-face-move that you refer to. I have a copyright on that. I'm gonna go puke now, and hit the bowflex so that I get hungry, eat a lot and gain more weight.
    Brent Jackson, PFB.
    I don't practice anymore: I'm just good in a natural, vicious sort of way.

    Will you please tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyeballs?

  14. #14
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    ok... Im not an old man or anything but I also would like to see those things at the feild. Wow bigger jerseys and chairs wow, that would be great hehehe... Yes I know, i am fat and lazy
    You smell like dookie... No really though.

  15. #15
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    I've found a new hero!

    You forgot a few things, though:
    Use that credit card to buy the most intimmidating clothing you can find to keep the people that have actually never saw you play from coming after you! At 6'4 240 lbs., I've used this to my advantage more times than I want to (or can) remember.
    Also, don't forget the Flex-All rub for the ride home (put it on in the car after you leave the field and feel free to cry from the pain at that time).
    Cultivate a group of younger good players that you can hang out with. Even if you're too old (senile) to learn anything from them, they'll feel sorry for you and not light you up too bad.
    the JoKeR

    Tragically hip and criminally insane.



    Now building the ultimate truck body kit. Click on the logo above for details!

  16. #16
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    beautiful - simply beautiful... One day the 13 year olds will understand

    but - for us cannucks, or those who don't know - what is a Tuck ??( 2. Tucks - I can't get through a day of paintball without 'em. Nuff said! )

    mrhooie

  17. #17
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    I'll second the chairs in the bunkers!! Welcome!

    AGD

  18. #18
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    Yes he quite the funster ain't he?

    ...I forgot to tell you he is the Faculty Advisor to the University Club and very instrumental in its continued success.

    Oh and search for my article about my first Super Air experience if you want the blow by blow of my trip and fall incident. Walt had a clear perfect view of it all...from his chair!

  19. #19
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    lol.... and welcome to AO

    i may only be 27, but i already got the bad back and knees.....

    hmm... we should make a team up for our selves... the gimp and the old... or sumthin round that line

    also.. chairs in the bunkers... got my vote....
    Virus, King of the Basement Trollz has spoken

  20. #20
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    "6. Credit card - these kids buy a new marker every month so you got to be prepared. You'll never keep up with style, but maybe if you spend enough no one will notice!"

    mind buying me an emag? all the kids today are shooting it...

  21. #21
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    Thumbs up


  22. #22
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    hahaha that was hilarious

    mind if i use the one about clothes in my sig? i hope it works

  23. #23
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    Cool Thanks!

    Woah, thanks for the welcome. Slow day at the geriatric retreat, eh?

    Phil - I was wondering how long before they figger'd it out on their own!

    Hexis - you're a youngster! Get back to me when you have at least two
    joints giving out!

    Shartley - what's up with your wife? She thought that was funny?

    Buckwheat - you are a lucky man. I guess you can do without the Tucks for
    a while, eh?

    Bunkerking - be my guest. I'm glad you find humor in my discomfort!

    M-a-s-sDriver - you'll have to talk to Phil about that, I only called
    it as I saw it. The closest I ever came to that was bunker move I
    tried that ended when I encountered some errant kudzu on the woods
    field and ended up flat on my back! No one miss took that for a classy
    move!

    InfinatyBPS - if you are YOUNG, fat, and lazy you have no excuse! Get
    your butt back to work! You've gotta EARN the hemorroids, dude!

    the JoKeR - some good points! mind if I incorporate them into the article?
    The bit about the group of younger players doesn't work, though! The
    group of younger players *I* hang with go out of their way to light me up!
    Oh, and at 240 you're a light weight! Back to the BBQ stand!

    Mrhooie - no, the 13 year olds will never understand! Tucks is a brand
    name for these little soft round pads soaked in some kind of medicine
    that you wipe your butt with when your hemorriods are really hurting you!
    I *tried* to spare you those details! Be careful what you ask!

    Tom - bad knees? I know you're no heavy-weight! Anyway, good to be here!

    Virus - how about the "The Old, The Sore, and The Crotchety" ???

    ChaOtic - sorry, my kid is first in line.

    FutureMagOwner - yup, that's fine.

    FatMan

  24. #24
    shartley Guest
    FatMan
    LOL Well.... it goes a little bit deeper than that. But you can take it as a compliment. Just ask Phil about Kim... he knows the deal.


  25. #25
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    TUCKS!! don't have them in Canada (that I know of) LOL

    thanks (i think )

  26. #26
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    FatMan I agree! But it's been a while since I have felt that way with the paintball crowd. Tho if you count joints in my neck I'm way over two.

  27. #27
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    Re: Thanks!

    Originally posted by FatMan
    mind if I incorporate them into the article?
    Feel free. Anything to educate and help the generation that needs to contend with the younger generation!

  28. #28
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    Well yea Walt from the description of me they probabaly already figured out it was me. But I was afraid for the few other Phils we have here...They wanted it made clear it wasn't them!!!



  29. #29
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    ALL HAIL FAT MAN!!!

  30. #30
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    Great post FatMan!! Welcome to the AO.
    - Shut up and show me -


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