FatMan's Guide to Paintball for Old Farts
Back when I was a spritely 34 years old I got into paintball. As a newby I had a lot of important lessons to learn, the most critical of which were documented in "Walt's Thoughts on Paintball" (https://www.automags.org/forums/showt...threadid=17654) which some of you may have read. Now I am a crotchety old 40 and I am "the man" the "guru" or god of paintball. In the last 6 years many things have changed in paintball, and so I am here to share my hard-earned wisdom, particularly for the other old guys out there who just won't grow up and give up this silly game.
Paintball is a young man's sport. In fact, I've read articles in paintball magazines where some kid says the old farts should be put out to pasture to play games of their own. I couldn't disagree more. There is nothing like getting out on the field and tagging those hot-shots who assume (correctly) I'm too old to run to the bunker and too fat to tie my shoes. My fondest memories are coming off the field after a fast game of speedball and shaking hands with the last few opponents as they wipe their goggles. It goes something like this:
ME (breathing hard):
THEM: that was a great move, I can't believe you made it, that must be what, 30 yards?
ME (nodding head):
THEM: you were like … and then I was like … and then he moved over there and then BAM I was out!
ME (looking for a place to sit):
THEM: hey, are you ok?
ME:yeah! Thanks! Good game!
PHIL: hey man you better sit down …
Yeah, there's nothing like it. Of course, it helps to have someone to share your experiences with, and that's why I've got my old friend Phil. When I need to sit a game Phil complains about his back and I sit out with him. When he needs to sit a game I complain about my hemorrhoids and he sits out with me. Of course, sometimes we push each other to go that extra mile. Like that time he and I were playing back on an airball court. We were up 3 to 2 and Phil decides to make a move to the mid-court nacho. He runs up and makes this spectacular dive sliding into the bunker. I wasn't about to be upstaged, so I broke up my side, popped the guy in the back on the opposite side and then got my guy in quick firefight. Of course later as they were peeling Phil off the ground where he had tripped I realized it wasn't exactly the move he intended, but then what are friends for?
Well, I could go on for hours, but the point of this posting was to give a few tips for the old guys and point out a few gripes us old guys have about why paintball isn't old guy friendly.
The old-guy paintballer's survival kit:
1. Advil - you are going to hurt after paintball, even if you never get hit. Be sure to bring the Advil
2. Tucks - I can't get through a day of paintball without 'em. Nuff said!
3. Chair - believe it or not, many of these places have NOWHERE to sit. I guess the youngsters like standing all the time, but I gotta sit.
4. Water - they'll probably have "Power Juice" or "Gorilla Aid" or "The Dew" but if you can't tolerate the sugar like me, you'll want plenty of cold water!
5. Pads - knee pads, elbow pads, butt pads, groin cup. Not so much for the paintballs but for when you fall down.
6. Credit card - these kids buy a new marker every month so you got to be prepared. You'll never keep up with style, but maybe if you spend enough no one will notice!
I'm not much of a tournament player, but if you DO decide to play tourneys you'll want to add a few things to the list:
1. Testosterone - I ALWAYS play better when I've just had a shot of testosterone! Of course the young guys can use it - that would be cheating! But for us old farts with a prescription, it gives you the edge!
2. Viagra - I've always heard that these tourneys involve a lot of peter contests and if my marker was as effective as my … well we're not going to be any less manly than we have to be eh?
(Note: the author does not condone the use of drugs for sporting events)
Finally, there are few things I would like to see at the paintball fields for us old guys:
1. Chairs in the bunkers - getting up and down off my knees just isn't what it used to be.
2. Taller bunkers - my old friend Phil got stuck in a bunker once. Just ran in and bent down and couldn't get back out - locked up his back! We're not that tall, but most of those bunkers are way too low.
3. Clothing made for big men - I have an XXL jersey (yes, readers from my past article, I too now wear jerseys). The thing is loose and baggy in the shoulders, the arms too long, and yet its tight in the belly. As if XXL was for Arnold Swartzhisnagger! Come on guys! Us XXL and XXXL wearing guys are fat guys, not body builders! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen one of those REALLY big body builders playing paintball (why is that?).
4. Paintball underwear - they have everything else, why not underwear that absorbs sweat before it runs down my crack and won't ride up in my crotch rubbing a rash that lasts for days. Everyone knows I've been to play paintball when I come in to the office walking funny! They think its because I was hit with paintballs but it isn't!
5. Packs for big guys. The old-fashioned packs are a big flap held up with suspenders that flops around on your butt. They have N tube pouches +1 big one for a remote tank. Like anyone uses a remote tank any more! The modern ones have a nice tight grouping of pouches with a big elastic strap to hold the whole pack in place. I tried one of these. First off the thing barely stretches around me - I got about 1 inch of Velcro to hook. I run out on the field, shoot my hopper empty, go to pull a pod, and the things are wedged between my butt and the belt. So I'm out there pulling on the thing while three kids with Bushmasters and Angles are hosing my position. Finally I get my hand in there and the lid on the pod pops open dumping paint on the ground (and down my pants), which I am now in danger of sitting or kneeling in (or worse)! So finally I pull the whole belt off and get my paint out and fill my hopper, just in time to get gogged! Packs are made for skinny 18 year olds, not fat 40 year olds. Make me a good pack! Give it suspenders (given my shape, no amount of elastic banding will keep it up), make easy to get paint in and out with no wasted space and no flopping around.
Yeah, yeah, I know! I sure expect a lot. Well when you've been playing as long as I have and you're my age let's see how you're doing, OK?
I hope this has helped at least of few of you old-timers out there. If so, I'm sorry, and if not, try my older article it may be for you. If you found this article offensive, my old buddy Phil will be answering all complaints.
Play safe and have fun,
FatMan