Calling ALL!!! Got Paintball Jokes?!?

[nato]

Hey guys... throughout the years I have received much pleasure from this forum. The invigoratingly lively threads. The very technical, knowledgeable intellect. And of course the comical attributes that flow from the wonderful minds of my fellow paintballers. I would like to call forth a band of AO'ers with wit and ingenuity to form jokes so funny that it will cause sever joy and laughter to all who read the comical verse.

So what I'm asking is... Got a funny one? :)

Thanks,
N.A.T.O.

[ghideon]

How many tourny ballers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But you need a ref to...
CHECK HIM!! ON HIS HOPPER! REF CHECK HIS HOPPER!

[Automaggot68]

How many tourny ballers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But you need a ref to...
CHECK HIM!! ON HIS HOPPER! REF CHECK HIS HOPPER!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!
That made me spit out my gatorade!!

[slade]

i can tell that this is going to be a great thread...

cant wait to see more jokes!! (that was a good one ghideon)

[Mango]

..

[Krysys]

Saw this in a mag...made me pee myself.

What do dynesty and an egg have in common? You can whip them both in 30 seconds.

[JoshK]

do they have to be paintball? because I got some other good ones...

Things you shouldn't say to a Police Officer



1. I can't reach my license unless you hold these stolen diamonds.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"



Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afganistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come in to our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afganistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water."



One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to
die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God came in and said, "I
want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women
on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time
God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in
the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became
angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in
my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son,
how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."



I laughed so hard when I heard all three of those...

[ScatterPlot]

Lol!

[nato]

hahaha! All laugh worthy! Please keep it to paintball since any guy can pull regular jokes off the web and also because we are in the Paintball Talk section! Keep them coming!

N.A.T.O. :)

[BionicSniper]

How can u spot a stock player at a tourney??

Hes got a 12gram on a remote

:clap: :rofl: :D :dance:

[dj89]

http://www.automags.org/forums/showthread.php?t=129767&highlight=cops ;)

[JoshK]

You COPY CATTER!!! No j/k actually I got mine off christianpaintball.com

[Jeffy-CanCon]

Check this paintball humour compiled by Durty Dan:

Durty Dan's SplatHappy paintball humour (http://durtydan.paintballresource.org/www.durtydan.com/splathappy/happymain.html)

[dj89]

i posted mine long before you did. you are the copy cat :p ;)

[1ofkind]

What sport do you need the most balls to play?

[tru_flip56]

ok...i know this is only paintball jokes but i read this on maxim and i wanted you guys to read it....it made me laugh


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

[slade]

due to another post on AO, i found the best site for paintball humor today, and became addicted immediately: http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb001.html

(the first ones arent that great, but the later ones are awesome!)

[1ofkind]

What sport do you need the most balls to play?


Comeonnnn... no even a giggle?

[LittlePaintballBoy]

Golf?

[p8ntballsteve]

Well, it may not be a joke, but this is prolly close enough.

10 Reasons to date a paintballer:
1. Were not afraid to get down and dirty.
2.We have atleast a 12" barrel.
3. We always wear protection.
4. We can move our fingers fast in small places.
5.We can shoot off 100 rounds like nothing.
6.We like it rough.
7.We like to keep our barrels very clean.
8.We know how to listen to directions.
9.Were not afraid to get up close and personal.
10. Were the only white guys who can wear Do-Rags with out getting shot.

[tru_flip56]

the last one was good....

[nato]

Quote: -p8ntballsteve
"10. Were the only white guys who can wear Do-Rags with out getting shot."

Haha its funny cause its true! (but i dont wear em ;) )


Keep em coming, they are quite funny!
N.A.T.O.

[Bob_da_Splatman]

3. We always wear protection.
4. We can move our fingers fast in small places.
10. Were the only white guys who can wear Do-Rags with out getting shot.


Now that is funny! :rofl: :rofl: :spit_take

I took note so I can inform my gf of the bennifits..... :p

[slade]

oh yeah i stole this from www.paintballtimes.com a while ago... i think the post has been taken down by now:

Why girls are better than paintball guns.
· Paintguns aren't warm and cuddly.
· It is ok if you over lube your girlfriend.
· You laugh when your girlfriend farts.
· Girls basically clean and maintain themselves.
· Changing the appearance of your girlfriend is easier than an anodize and mill job.
· A girl can buy you dinner and take you to the movies.
· When you talk to a girl and call her by name - people don't look at you funny.
· Girls don't have brass nipples.
· Girls don't run out of air.
· Paintguns won't lick your welts.
· You don't mind a "wet barrel" on a girl.
· Even if your "paint" doesn’t match the "barrel" - a good girl will tell you it is a good size.
· Stainless steel doesn't stretch.
· A girl doesn't throw anything at you at 300fps.
· You don't need to wear a mask around a girl.
· You never need to retime a girl.
· Girls don't blow (cup) seals.
· Most guys wont look at your girl and tell you it sucks (to your face).
· You can take your girl in public and not have the police harass you.
· You can leave your girl at home on Sunday.
· It is ok to short stroke your girl.
· A girl wont chop your (paint) balls.
· Girls don't have ugly hoppers.
· Paintguns don’t give hugs

[Bob_da_Splatman]

· You laugh when your girlfriend farts.
· Girls don't have brass nipples.
· Girls don't run out of air.
· A girl wont chop your (paint) balls.



in order:

> just sick and wrong :nono:
> You obviously haven't met my girl. :wow:
> boy i wish they did sometimes...
> that depends on how many times you forget anniversary/ b-days :mad: ----> :eek:

[nato]

"A girl can buy you dinner and take you to the movies"

... I dont know what your talking about!!! someone want to fill me in???

N.A.T.O.

[slade]

"A girl can buy you dinner and take you to the movies"

... I dont know what your talking about!!! someone want to fill me in???

N.A.T.O.
key word: can

i dont really like or agree with all of them, but i posted them anyway... i wasnt the one that made it up. the majority of them are good.

[ghideon]

· A girl doesn't throw anything at you at 300fps.
· You don't need to wear a mask around a girl.


The orginator of the list has obviously never met my most recent ex....

[slade]

ive got a joke that i modified from a music joke:

how many backmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none. they're always left in the dark!

ok yeah, maybe it was better in the origional form...

[JoshK]

Grave diggin... :D :spit_take

[danheneise]

Grave diggin... :D :spit_take

this thread is almost a year old dude

[JoshK]

Yes....i would see if anyone has new ones...also some of these make me laugh so hard, and I thought others could enjoy it also.

[ICP]

yes, thank you for resurecting this. funny stuf :rofl: f. I'll try to find/make some

[JoshK]

Yea...plus there are alot of newer members, and they deserve to see this. (no more off topic posts :p )

[CoolHand]

Its not a joke per se, but my bud used to have this bumper sticker on his car:

"My balls slap at 300 fps!"

My mom got such a kick out of that, she snorted when she first saw it. :rofl:

That was five or six years ago now though.

[Doobie]

Classic Thread!

Here's mine:

What's the differance between a plane load of Business men and a plane load of Pro Paintballers?

When the Business men's plane shuts down...the whining stops!

[JoshK]

Classic Thread!

Here's mine:

What's the differance between a plane load of Business men and a plane load of Pro Paintballers?

When the Business men's plane shuts down...the whining stops!

HAHA!!!

[master_alexander]

ive got a good one:

me an dmy friend were talking about guns and he is gonna get a new e-cocker from selling his spyder and some other stuff, like his skateboard:

him: yea the ecocker is so sweet! i have to sell my spyder first though, and then mow many lawns, and sell my skateboard :(
me: you don't need a skatebord! buy the gun and then get a girlfriend, you can ride her :)

at least i thought it was funny :D

[abunkerer]

OK, ok...I got one, it's a little modified to fit paintball, but its funny:

THis grandma wants to Join this paintball team and she goes out for try outs,
one of the players takes her to meet the captain.

He looks at her and says "So, you want to join my team, well this isn't a normal team, we are a bunch of badasses....do you smoke?"

and the Grandma says "yeah... like a chimney"

THe captain says "good...Do you drink?"

the grandma looks at him and says "I drink like a fish!"


The captain asks "do you have a gun " the grandma flashes him her custom Dm5


"Hmmm, nice" the captain says "One last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"


the grandma looks at him and says "no, but Ive been swung by the nipples!"



:rofl:


alright heres another

Q. Why did the paintballer fall out of the tree?

A. because he was dead.

[ben-afficial]

no i dont have any jokes.....so stick that in your barrel and shoot it :dance:

[txaggie08]

· A girl wont chop your (paint) balls.




laurana(sp?) bobbit needs to stay away from this thread.......

[nato]

Wow! I forgot about this! haha

N.A.T.O.

[CrimsonTurkey]

A scene from:
"Much Ado About Paintball”
Act 3, Scene 4

The play so far: Horatio, the captain of Team Hamlet, has had yet another argument with his wife, the fair Ophelia. As in Act 2, Scene 1, Ophelia has been complaining that Horatio is spending more time with his team mates than his children, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. She argues with him and delivers an ultimatum, choose between the family and the team. Left alone in the basement, with all his paintball stuff, Horatio delivers this poignant soliloquy
"To play or not to play. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of my outraged partner in life, or by not playing, end them. For in fair Ophelia’s eyes it is a foolish endeavour. She understandeth not my love for the Noble Game.

"How do I love paintball? Let me count the ways: I love it as the gentle robin loves the coming of spring. It taketh my heart and soul and causeth them to soar on high. The quality of paintball is not strained. It falleth like the gentle paintball from the loader into the marker below. "Forsooth (and FIVE- sooth, even), I have spent many a coin that rightly should provide my family with warmth and nourishments. My obsession is deep and not easily comprehended by those non-afflicted. I am a man possed. Paintballs where are they sting? I cannot helpeth but to purchase paraphernalia that I do not require! My visions are of paintball trapping.

[He begins to hallucinate.]

"Is this a marker I see before me? Hand grip towards my hand? Come, let me clutch the. I see the, yet I have the not. Are thee a marker of the mind? Come to torment me in my hour of deepest woe? Get the behind me, foul apparition! What light from yon window breaks, It is paintball and Ophelia is the moon. Both are the lights of my exitance. "Obsession, thy name is paintball. But what an obsession, for is not paintball a reflection of the Daily Turmoil we but call life?

"All the world’s a paintball field, and we merely players in it.”

[JoshK]

A scene from:
"Much Ado About Paintball”
Act 3, Scene 4

The play so far: Horatio, the captain of Team Hamlet, has had yet another argument with his wife, the fair Ophelia. As in Act 2, Scene 1, Ophelia has been complaining that Horatio is spending more time with his team mates than his children, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. She argues with him and delivers an ultimatum, choose between the family and the team. Left alone in the basement, with all his paintball stuff, Horatio delivers this poignant soliloquy
"To play or not to play. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of my outraged partner in life, or by not playing, end them. For in fair Ophelia’s eyes it is a foolish endeavour. She understandeth not my love for the Noble Game.

"How do I love paintball? Let me count the ways: I love it as the gentle robin loves the coming of spring. It taketh my heart and soul and causeth them to soar on high. The quality of paintball is not strained. It falleth like the gentle paintball from the loader into the marker below. "Forsooth (and FIVE- sooth, even), I have spent many a coin that rightly should provide my family with warmth and nourishments. My obsession is deep and not easily comprehended by those non-afflicted. I am a man possed. Paintballs where are they sting? I cannot helpeth but to purchase paraphernalia that I do not require! My visions are of paintball trapping.

[He begins to hallucinate.]

"Is this a marker I see before me? Hand grip towards my hand? Come, let me clutch the. I see the, yet I have the not. Are thee a marker of the mind? Come to torment me in my hour of deepest woe? Get the behind me, foul apparition! What light from yon window breaks, It is paintball and Ophelia is the moon. Both are the lights of my exitance. "Obsession, thy name is paintball. But what an obsession, for is not paintball a reflection of the Daily Turmoil we but call life?

"All the world’s a paintball field, and we merely players in it.”

Haha...thats amazing.

[CoolHand]

Bravo!

:hail:

[nato]

Well done. :cheers:
N.A.T.O.