Lohman446
09-10-2004, 11:11 AM
You should all be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refesher course continue reading. We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to turn on the T.V. and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all get killed.
Basedon our insurance industry experiences, we recomend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies in your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there till Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with on of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance bussiness in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS
Advantage: They're cheap because you make them yourself.
Disadvantage: They don't do a damn bit of good.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS
Advantage: These work well once you get them up.
Disadvantage: Your hands will be useless bleeding stumps from the sharp edges, and it will be December.
ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS
Advantage: Very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.
Disadvantage: You will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE PROOF WINDOWS
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool, as they will end up there anyway. If you do not have a swimming pool you should have one built immediately. Otherwise the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missles and Georgia is tired of cleaning up your stuff.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine if you live in a low-lying area, look at your drivers license; if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other evacuees. So as a bonus you will not die alone.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you do not evacuate, you will need a ton of supplies. DO NOT BUY THEM NOW! Florida tradition requires that you wait untill the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
167 dollars worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach: I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some.
A large hunting knife: So you can strap it to your leg. This item is useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.
46 LBS. of raw chicken: To placate the the alligators. Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane there WILL be irate alligators.
35,000 dollars in cash or diamonds: So that after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernable teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurrican draws near everything you ever learned about what to do in a hurricane goes right out the window. It is however vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your T.V. and watching news reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean telling you over and over how important it is for everyone to stay as far away from the ocean as possible.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all get killed.
Basedon our insurance industry experiences, we recomend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies in your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there till Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with on of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance bussiness in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS
Advantage: They're cheap because you make them yourself.
Disadvantage: They don't do a damn bit of good.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS
Advantage: These work well once you get them up.
Disadvantage: Your hands will be useless bleeding stumps from the sharp edges, and it will be December.
ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS
Advantage: Very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.
Disadvantage: You will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE PROOF WINDOWS
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool, as they will end up there anyway. If you do not have a swimming pool you should have one built immediately. Otherwise the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missles and Georgia is tired of cleaning up your stuff.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine if you live in a low-lying area, look at your drivers license; if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other evacuees. So as a bonus you will not die alone.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you do not evacuate, you will need a ton of supplies. DO NOT BUY THEM NOW! Florida tradition requires that you wait untill the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
167 dollars worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach: I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some.
A large hunting knife: So you can strap it to your leg. This item is useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.
46 LBS. of raw chicken: To placate the the alligators. Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane there WILL be irate alligators.
35,000 dollars in cash or diamonds: So that after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernable teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurrican draws near everything you ever learned about what to do in a hurricane goes right out the window. It is however vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your T.V. and watching news reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean telling you over and over how important it is for everyone to stay as far away from the ocean as possible.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!