cphilip
11-27-2001, 10:14 AM
I thought some of you would enjoy reading this. Very Humorous. Walt is actually Dr. Walter Ligon and he is the Club Advisor for the Clemson University Club. He is my Mentor and got me into PB and Mags. Note here he has not yet moved to a MAg but now is a exclusive Mag addict. This is somewhat dated as it was written over two years ago and needs updating. I did not ask permission to post it here but he will not mind as long as you respect the Authors rights and do not reprint or plagiarize it. I think you might get a kick out of it. Here it is verbatim...Enjoy!
Walt's Thoughts on Paintball
I'm relatively new to paintball - I've been playing for two years and seriously only for one. I haven't used as many markers or as many types of paint or as many bits of equipment as my teamates, so you'll have to look at their thoughts to get much info on that. This page is mostly for newbies trying to become, well ... NON-newbies. I hope you can learn something from this wisdom, or at least find it amusing. By the way, most of these lessons I actually had to learn the hard way - so even through this is tounge-in-cheek - it is not totally out to lunch.
Paint
Paint is very important, Paintball is alot less fun without paint. Paintball without paint is laser tag, and laser tag is lame unless you are 13 with red hair, freckles, and braces. Good paint breaks on your target and not in your gun. In order to break on your target it has to HIT your target, which usually means it needs to fly straight. Most of the problems I've seen with paint are that it doesn't fly straight, or that it hits and doesn't break. I don't have alot of trouble with paint breaking in my gun, but I have noticed that the more expensive a gun is, the more likely that paint will break in it, and the more that breakage will affect the performance of the gun. I've played with ProBall, and a variety of "cheap" paints. ProBall flies nicely but doesn't break very easily. This is a drawback for the shooter. The drawback for the shootee is that those tough little buggers hurt like hell. You might find yourself involuntarily calling yourself out on a bounce (very embarrasing).
This leads to Walt's first rule:
When hit with a paintball and you have the involuntary need to cry out, yell "PAINTCHECK!" Do NOT yell "I'm hit!" or "I'm out!." If after this you find the ball DID break, THEN call yourself out. In order to yell the correct words when you are hit without thinking about it, you have to condition yourself. Load your paintgun and stand clear of everyone else. Shoot yourself in the leg and yell "PAINTCHECK!" Do this 20-30 times, and you should be conditioned.
Guns
... or, uh, paintguns, ... no, wait, markers. Yeah, that's it, markers! Markers are very important. Paintball is less fun without markers. In the old days the pros used slingshots to fire paintballs at each other. You could tell the really hot teams because their slingshots were really tricked out with cool paintjobs, and lots of hoses running everywhere. A cool marker ALWAYS has external hoses. If yours doesn't, add one. The rec players
couldn't afford the fancy slingshots, so they had to run around throwing the paintballs at each other. This is the origin of the term "throwing paint" which means "shooting." Sometime after Nixon but before Clinton someone got the wild idea of making an airgun that shot paintballs. Rumour has it the first paintguns were pump action, but that has NOT been substantiated. All real paintguns are semi-automatic, so you can throw more paint in a limited amount of time. Sometime in the last few years, folks realized that many people had the mistaken impression that paintball was about running around in the woods shooting at each other, thus there has been a movement to stop calling paintguns "paintguns" and instead call them "markers." If you want to play with a "marker" try a MARKette - in your choice of colors (blue, black, and red). Me, I'm going to stick with my paintgun.
Anyway, I've played with a Stingray - I think I'd just as well run around throwing the paint by hand. It wasn't JUST that it didn't shoot straight or had less range than the other guys' paintguns, but it makes this stupid "ploop" sound whenever you shoot it. It just screams out "I've got a crappy gun, come and get me!" I've played with a Tippman and I am currently playing with an F2 Illustrator. These guns are very similar in that they are open bolt, very simple, and very reliable. These are clearly the best guns for a beginner, they are also the least expensive decent guns. I am just now switching to a Palmer/Bad-Boyz Typhoon. So far I think the Typhoon rocks, but give me a few weeks to really see. I've seen ALOT of "cockers." I'm totally afraid of a cocker. As far as I can tell a cocker is more of a project than a paintgun. As I understand it, they cost about $400, then you have to add a regulator, a new barrel, and a bottom line. Then you need a trigger job and the timing worked on. If you touch ANYTHING on the gun you need to redo the timing. For really decent gun you also need a new bolt, and an expensive hopper. You might also want a front grip or a stock. Then, if you are really good at tuning it, it will shoot absolutely wonderfully, for a game or two. On the up side they DO have lots of hoses on the outside of the gun. If you have alot of money to spend on paintball, get a cocker.
Anyway, its time for another one of Walts's rules:
When your paintgun breaks, or runs out of air, or runs out of paint, resist the temptation to yell out that your gun is hosed. That is really an invitation to getting shot. Remember that you are still a value to your team if the enemy *thinks* you have a working marker. Also you can create a diversion when your teamates decide to charge.
You run out ahead of your teamates and take all the fire while they move up. In a pinch you can act as a human shield. Again you need training to do this correctly and without calling yourself out. Repeat the exercise above, but this time have your entire team set up and shoot at you as you run a 40 yard dash straight at them. Do this 20-30 times and you should be ready.
Clothes
My advice is to wear old clothes that you don't mind getting dirty or somewhat painted. The paintball field is no place for a sport coat. You'll find most folks wear cammo shirts, pants, etc. The really cool guys ware actual paintball clothing made by JT and such. I wear cammo, I'm not cool enough for JT. You will find that there are many types of cammo, and most of the cooler (and more expensive) patterns are widely available on shirts, coats, pants, hats, gloves, tank covers, and hopper covers. I find this so interesting. I make it a rule to own no more than one item with the same cammo pattern on it. This way I become a walking cammo sample board. It also makes it look like four or five guys are hiding in that bunker instead of just one (of course, that might not have anything to do with the cammo). Also there's foot wear. I started out wearing boots but switched to tennis shoes. They don't make cleats that fit my feet, but I rarely slip.
Walt's rule number 3:
If you get shot in the 'nads and you aren't wearing a cup, be sure to hold your gun over your head while you writhe in pain on the ground. This lets the players on the other team know you are OUT and not attempting to create an invisble force field to hide behind in the middle of the field. Once again doing this correctly requires training. As before, standing clear of bystanders, shoot yourself in the nuts with your marker, then hold your gun over your head, stand on one foot and recite the preamble to the Constitution. Do this 20-30 times and you should be ready.
Tactics
Paintball is all about shooting at people and being shot at by people. If you aren't shooting at someone or being shot at by someone, you are doing something wrong. Go find someone to shoot at. They will usually shoot back. You will make more friends if the person you pick is NOT on your team, but shooting at *someone* is better than nothing. Paintball also depends alot on running. I'm too fat to run much, so I don't know much about that. Go ask one of the skinny guys on the team. Paintball is all about position. You have to get into key positions and keep your enemy out of key positions. Of course he's doing the same thing to you at the same time. Maybe if you let him get to his position he'll let you get to yours. Yeah, right. Then you can just shoot yourselves in the nuts and both go out too. Paintball is all about communication. You need to let your teamates know where you are and what is going on all through the game. It helps to yell alot just to keep the chatter going. If you don't have anything useful to say, just yell at your enemy. Yell things like "Get some of this," "Go ahead, make my day," or "Tastes great! (Less filling!)" DO NOT constantly yell "ref, check that
man," or "you're out, you're out." If you think you got a hit, call for the ref, otherwise you just being a dweeb.
Walt's rule number 4:
If you think of something REALLY cool to do while playing paintball, it probably isn't. The first step towards becomming a non-newbie is learning to resist these temptations. Other pages at this site have an extensive list of such "negative" thoughts that should be avoided. Please note that this is NOT an exhaustive list. If you find you have trouble purging these thoughts from your mind, you may need additional training. The next time you have such a thought, stick the barrel of your paintgun under your chin and fire. 20 or 30 of these and you won't
think of such stupid things any more (decorum dictates that I warn you that paintgun manufacturers recommend you do NOT use this procedure as it may cause SERIOUS BODILY HARM, but what the hell do they know).
There is my collected knowledge so far. If these tips and training methods work for you, you are really sick so please don't tell anyone where you heard about them. Hope to see you on the paintball field.
Walt
Walt's Thoughts on Paintball
I'm relatively new to paintball - I've been playing for two years and seriously only for one. I haven't used as many markers or as many types of paint or as many bits of equipment as my teamates, so you'll have to look at their thoughts to get much info on that. This page is mostly for newbies trying to become, well ... NON-newbies. I hope you can learn something from this wisdom, or at least find it amusing. By the way, most of these lessons I actually had to learn the hard way - so even through this is tounge-in-cheek - it is not totally out to lunch.
Paint
Paint is very important, Paintball is alot less fun without paint. Paintball without paint is laser tag, and laser tag is lame unless you are 13 with red hair, freckles, and braces. Good paint breaks on your target and not in your gun. In order to break on your target it has to HIT your target, which usually means it needs to fly straight. Most of the problems I've seen with paint are that it doesn't fly straight, or that it hits and doesn't break. I don't have alot of trouble with paint breaking in my gun, but I have noticed that the more expensive a gun is, the more likely that paint will break in it, and the more that breakage will affect the performance of the gun. I've played with ProBall, and a variety of "cheap" paints. ProBall flies nicely but doesn't break very easily. This is a drawback for the shooter. The drawback for the shootee is that those tough little buggers hurt like hell. You might find yourself involuntarily calling yourself out on a bounce (very embarrasing).
This leads to Walt's first rule:
When hit with a paintball and you have the involuntary need to cry out, yell "PAINTCHECK!" Do NOT yell "I'm hit!" or "I'm out!." If after this you find the ball DID break, THEN call yourself out. In order to yell the correct words when you are hit without thinking about it, you have to condition yourself. Load your paintgun and stand clear of everyone else. Shoot yourself in the leg and yell "PAINTCHECK!" Do this 20-30 times, and you should be conditioned.
Guns
... or, uh, paintguns, ... no, wait, markers. Yeah, that's it, markers! Markers are very important. Paintball is less fun without markers. In the old days the pros used slingshots to fire paintballs at each other. You could tell the really hot teams because their slingshots were really tricked out with cool paintjobs, and lots of hoses running everywhere. A cool marker ALWAYS has external hoses. If yours doesn't, add one. The rec players
couldn't afford the fancy slingshots, so they had to run around throwing the paintballs at each other. This is the origin of the term "throwing paint" which means "shooting." Sometime after Nixon but before Clinton someone got the wild idea of making an airgun that shot paintballs. Rumour has it the first paintguns were pump action, but that has NOT been substantiated. All real paintguns are semi-automatic, so you can throw more paint in a limited amount of time. Sometime in the last few years, folks realized that many people had the mistaken impression that paintball was about running around in the woods shooting at each other, thus there has been a movement to stop calling paintguns "paintguns" and instead call them "markers." If you want to play with a "marker" try a MARKette - in your choice of colors (blue, black, and red). Me, I'm going to stick with my paintgun.
Anyway, I've played with a Stingray - I think I'd just as well run around throwing the paint by hand. It wasn't JUST that it didn't shoot straight or had less range than the other guys' paintguns, but it makes this stupid "ploop" sound whenever you shoot it. It just screams out "I've got a crappy gun, come and get me!" I've played with a Tippman and I am currently playing with an F2 Illustrator. These guns are very similar in that they are open bolt, very simple, and very reliable. These are clearly the best guns for a beginner, they are also the least expensive decent guns. I am just now switching to a Palmer/Bad-Boyz Typhoon. So far I think the Typhoon rocks, but give me a few weeks to really see. I've seen ALOT of "cockers." I'm totally afraid of a cocker. As far as I can tell a cocker is more of a project than a paintgun. As I understand it, they cost about $400, then you have to add a regulator, a new barrel, and a bottom line. Then you need a trigger job and the timing worked on. If you touch ANYTHING on the gun you need to redo the timing. For really decent gun you also need a new bolt, and an expensive hopper. You might also want a front grip or a stock. Then, if you are really good at tuning it, it will shoot absolutely wonderfully, for a game or two. On the up side they DO have lots of hoses on the outside of the gun. If you have alot of money to spend on paintball, get a cocker.
Anyway, its time for another one of Walts's rules:
When your paintgun breaks, or runs out of air, or runs out of paint, resist the temptation to yell out that your gun is hosed. That is really an invitation to getting shot. Remember that you are still a value to your team if the enemy *thinks* you have a working marker. Also you can create a diversion when your teamates decide to charge.
You run out ahead of your teamates and take all the fire while they move up. In a pinch you can act as a human shield. Again you need training to do this correctly and without calling yourself out. Repeat the exercise above, but this time have your entire team set up and shoot at you as you run a 40 yard dash straight at them. Do this 20-30 times and you should be ready.
Clothes
My advice is to wear old clothes that you don't mind getting dirty or somewhat painted. The paintball field is no place for a sport coat. You'll find most folks wear cammo shirts, pants, etc. The really cool guys ware actual paintball clothing made by JT and such. I wear cammo, I'm not cool enough for JT. You will find that there are many types of cammo, and most of the cooler (and more expensive) patterns are widely available on shirts, coats, pants, hats, gloves, tank covers, and hopper covers. I find this so interesting. I make it a rule to own no more than one item with the same cammo pattern on it. This way I become a walking cammo sample board. It also makes it look like four or five guys are hiding in that bunker instead of just one (of course, that might not have anything to do with the cammo). Also there's foot wear. I started out wearing boots but switched to tennis shoes. They don't make cleats that fit my feet, but I rarely slip.
Walt's rule number 3:
If you get shot in the 'nads and you aren't wearing a cup, be sure to hold your gun over your head while you writhe in pain on the ground. This lets the players on the other team know you are OUT and not attempting to create an invisble force field to hide behind in the middle of the field. Once again doing this correctly requires training. As before, standing clear of bystanders, shoot yourself in the nuts with your marker, then hold your gun over your head, stand on one foot and recite the preamble to the Constitution. Do this 20-30 times and you should be ready.
Tactics
Paintball is all about shooting at people and being shot at by people. If you aren't shooting at someone or being shot at by someone, you are doing something wrong. Go find someone to shoot at. They will usually shoot back. You will make more friends if the person you pick is NOT on your team, but shooting at *someone* is better than nothing. Paintball also depends alot on running. I'm too fat to run much, so I don't know much about that. Go ask one of the skinny guys on the team. Paintball is all about position. You have to get into key positions and keep your enemy out of key positions. Of course he's doing the same thing to you at the same time. Maybe if you let him get to his position he'll let you get to yours. Yeah, right. Then you can just shoot yourselves in the nuts and both go out too. Paintball is all about communication. You need to let your teamates know where you are and what is going on all through the game. It helps to yell alot just to keep the chatter going. If you don't have anything useful to say, just yell at your enemy. Yell things like "Get some of this," "Go ahead, make my day," or "Tastes great! (Less filling!)" DO NOT constantly yell "ref, check that
man," or "you're out, you're out." If you think you got a hit, call for the ref, otherwise you just being a dweeb.
Walt's rule number 4:
If you think of something REALLY cool to do while playing paintball, it probably isn't. The first step towards becomming a non-newbie is learning to resist these temptations. Other pages at this site have an extensive list of such "negative" thoughts that should be avoided. Please note that this is NOT an exhaustive list. If you find you have trouble purging these thoughts from your mind, you may need additional training. The next time you have such a thought, stick the barrel of your paintgun under your chin and fire. 20 or 30 of these and you won't
think of such stupid things any more (decorum dictates that I warn you that paintgun manufacturers recommend you do NOT use this procedure as it may cause SERIOUS BODILY HARM, but what the hell do they know).
There is my collected knowledge so far. If these tips and training methods work for you, you are really sick so please don't tell anyone where you heard about them. Hope to see you on the paintball field.
Walt