"JOKE" Various "JOKE"

[Yogster]

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look," she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale...............


Funeral Services are pending.

thxs Yogster

[Yogster]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.


He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."


So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"


He never heard the shot.


Funeral on Friday


Yogster

[CKY_Alliance]

ba dut dut ting...yea i cant type drum noises....

[mcdkid]

lol nice

[RingOfScale]

that was pretty good :)

[hockeynoodles020]

Only you yogster...only you :p :rofl:

[RingOfScale]

OUCH !!!

good one :)

U might want to considering putting these all in the same thread tho, and just make a whole thread of your jokes (edit the post, or put em in a reply?). Otherwise someone might get mad at you for having some many threads that all basically have the same purpose.

[MoneyShot]

Lol good jokes

[ScatterPlot]

Two potatoes were sitting in an oven. One looks to the other and says Man, it's hot in here.

The other one looked back at him and said Oh Crap a talking potato!


:D:D:D:D
har-de-har-har :)

[RingOfScale]

scatterplot, u messed that one up. It always has been two MUFFINS not two potatos, where do you come up with this stuff ?!?!?

get it right next time :p

-ring

[BobTheCow]

Okay, so there's this guy, he absolutely LOVES pink...

[Automaggot68]

Okay, so there's this guy, he absolutely LOVES pink...

NO.

[bam wannabe]

Okay, so there's this guy, he absolutely LOVES pink...
:nono:

[slade]

Okay, so there's this guy, he absolutely LOVES pink...

NO.
and there is this picture, where...

:p

[Automaggot68]

and there is this picture, where...

:p


Where Slade is wearing women's clothing.

[tropical_fishy]

Where Slade is wearing women's clothing.

and it's the God-honest truth, I seen it!

[slade]

and it's the God-honest truth, I seen it!
:(!!! you bastard derek!

[Yogster]

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the
morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for
a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in
the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it
is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember, about three months ago when we
broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed
of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[SpitFire1299]

:clap: That swing one was Hilarious.

[Yogster]

A guys has taken the
time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...
these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become
null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the
Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,
just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example,
is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't
want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as
sports, golf, or monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape.
Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

[thecavemankevin]

i've read those rules before, and they are oh so true. now i just need to work up the corrage to give them to my wife :eek:

[trevorjk]

i've read those rules before, and they are oh so true. now i just need to work up the corrage to give them to my wife :eek:

whats her email... ill do it for you

[thecavemankevin]

whats her email... ill do it for you

actually, i never thought about emailing them to her. Thats not a bad idea!

[Yogster]

REDNECKS DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
=====================================
Last name: _____________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M _____F _____Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
[_] Grand Wizard/Dragon for the ensuing year.
Spouse's Name: ___________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ___________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: ___________________________
*Lover's Name: ___________________________
**2nd Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (check all that apply)
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4
Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194__

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No If no, please explain: ________
________________________________________


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you've been on Jerry Springer

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? __
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Copenhagen

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 2 miles
[_] 3 miles
[_] don't know



cracked me up the first time i saw it and it still does

[Yogster]

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won’t," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I’m not f**king going!"

[SpecialBlend2786]

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won’t," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I’m not f**king going!"

haha! thats great!

[Yogster]

Tickle Me Elmo



There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle
Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the personnel manager's
door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The
Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men
march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"

[Yogster]

One of my fav's...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[ScatterPlot]

where do pirates keep their hooks?



on the end of their arrrrrrrms :D

[Yogster]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, say ing, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money!

Enjoy
Yogster

[thecavemankevin]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[7Infamous7]

A man walks into a bar.........Ouch


Bst jk evr!!!11LOL!!11 :D :D

[-Tab]

A man walks into a bar.........Ouch


Bst jk evr!!!11LOL!!11 :D :D


Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.

[jd1185]

a skeliton walks in to a bar and the bartender says what can i get u and the skeliton says a beer .................................................. .................................................. .....and a mop

[thecavemankevin]

a mushroom walking into a bar and the bartender says "hey, we dont serve your kind here." The mushroom replys, "why not, i'm a fun-gi"

[anomoly40]

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged ! couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.! He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwa! rtz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?"! the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the! barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. "He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

[MarkM]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After
they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God." The woman continues, "And look at this, here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[Yogster]

Altimus "NICE " LOL

Here's another :

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.



"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.



"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"



You're gonna LOVE me for this....



The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[91Foxtrot]

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring into his drink and looking miserable. One of Joe's buddies sees him, grabs Joe's glass and drinks it, and slaps Joe on the back with a cheery "Hey Joe!" Joe immediately bursts into tears. Joe's buddy says, "Don't worry about it, I'll get you another drink."

Joe wails, "You don't understand! I woke up late this morning. I couldn't find the keys to my car. I spilled hot coffee in my lap. I got to work late and my boss fired me. As I carried the contents of my office out to my car it started to rain and the cardboard box fell apart. When I got out to the car I found the keys locked inside. I walked the 10 miles home in the rain only to find my wife in bed with my best friend. I stumbled over to this bar, and as soon as I get the courage to end it all... you come in and drink my poison."

[Cow hunter]

hmmm whats a good joke.....


A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're BS'n me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

[Yogster]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[thecavemankevin]

"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

we really need a barfing emoticon

[professor_chaos]

Man this should be a sticky...

[Altimas]

wow....that one was tough...but I see a lot of that in Alabama...and its on purpose.

[trevorjk]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

[bleachit]

"Make 'em all ugly again".


that guy....... is a genius.


I wonder if God sent him to hell after that.

[Glickman]

A gift to those who dont expecially like their in-laws ;)


Joe, not enjoying the company of his in-laws, goes out to the backyard to escape for a little while. While he was pacing around, he saw something shining in the dirt, it was a lamp.

Curious, Joe rubbed it, and of course; out pops a genie.

"You have three wishes, but i must warn you, anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will recieve double"

Joe shivered at the idea of his mother-in-law being twice as happy as him but he figured he would give it a whirl anyway.

"I want 10 million dollars" said Joe.

As he saw the pile of money drop at his feet, 20 million dropped at his mother-in-laws feet.

"Now i want a huge mansion with 1,00,000 sq. feet" said Joe

Just as he asked, a huge 1,000,000 sq. foot mansion replaced his house, as did a 2,000,000 sq. foot mansion replaced his mother-in-law's.

"Now" he said to the genie.

"I want you to choke me half to death"

:rofl:

[slade]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
three guys are the sole survivors of a plane crash in the desert. they walk around for days, and eventually stumble upon a lamp half buried in the sand. the first guy picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. the genie says to them "normally i give anyone who finds this lamp three wishes, but since there are three of you i will grant each of you one wish. choose wisely." the first guy thinks for a moment and says "i wish i could be back in my hometown, in a bar with my girlfriend" *poof*! hes gone. the second guy immediately says, "and i wish i could be back in my bed with my wife!" *poof*! he disappears. the third guy thinks. and thinks. and thinks. he just doesnt know what to wish for. then he idly says to the genie, "gee, i wish i had those other two guys back here to help me think of what i should wish"

[grEnAlEins]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts" :rofl:

[Team VeNoM]

An Irishman walks out of a bar!....
Lame yes i know but its better than class right

[Z-man]

So this baby seal walks into a club...



all time favorite.

[Yogster]

Since I have'nt posted for awhile thought I would up this

So here's another

A new field opened up, with a unique operating system. It was billed as "pay as you play", where the players didn't have to pay until they were finished for the day and they only payed for as long as they were playing. One player decided that this was a good way to get a free day of paintball. When he was done for the day, he told the field owner that he had forgotten his wallet at home and that he would pay the field owner, next time out.
"Sure," the field owner remarked, "I trust you, but to make sure I don't forget, I write your name on a board we've got in front of the sign in shack. I'll erase it when you've paid me"
"Everyone will see it," the player remarked, "and they'll think I'm a dead beat."
"Don't worry," the owner remarked, "once the staff hangs all your equipment on it, no one will see your name."

[Pneumagger]

So this baby seal walks into a club...


all time favorite.

:spit_take

[grEnAlEins]

What do old people smell like?














Depends :spit_take :rofl:

[91Foxtrot]

A serviceman is stationed in the Far East. After taking advantage of certain "services" offered by some local ladies, he finds himself afflicted with a particularly nasty STD. He goes to sick call and asks the doctor about it. The doctor examines his equipment and says says, "Sorry, there is nothing we can do, we are going to have to cut it off." This is obviously not what the serviceman wants to hear, so he goes to every doctor, nurse, medic and corpsman that he can find on post only to hear the same prognosis.

The next day, the serviceman wakes up and thinks, "Hold on a minute, this is an Asian STD, maybe the local doctors have a solution!" So he visits the most reputable doctor he can find and drops his drawers for him.

"You're not going to have to cut it off, are you Doc? All the Western doctors say they have to cut it off."

"Oh, those Western doctors! All they want to do is cut, cut, cut... Wait two weeks, it will fall off by itself."

[KKPASA]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in
Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

__________________________________________________ __________________

A father and his son are walking in the park when they see two dogs humping. The son asked his dad, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The dad, not wanting to have THE TALK yet said, "They're making puppies."
To the relief of the father the little boy seemed to accept the answer and didn't ask any more questions.
Later that evening the father and his wife are making love when the son enters the room and says,"Daddy what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad says,"We're making babies."
The son says,"Well roll mommy over I want a puppy."

[thecavemankevin]

old but good:

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Dark Side]

A father and his son are walking in the park when they see two dogs humping. The son asked his dad, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The dad, not wanting to have THE TALK yet said, "They're making puppies."
To the relief of the father the little boy seemed to accept the answer and didn't ask any more questions.
Later that evening the father and his wife are making love when the son enters the room and says,"Daddy what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad says,"We're making babies."
The son says,"Well roll mommy over I want a puppy."


:headbang:

[zipity_Bop]

man i don't really remember how this goes so I'll wing it

There are three guy's sitting at a bar. instead of waiting for a waitress to refill their pitcher one of the guy's volunteer's to get it filled at the bar... While the bartender is filling their pitcher they get to talking. And the guy asks the bartender what his day job is. The bartender says that he is a professor of deductive reasoning... The man looking extremely confused asked him what deductive reasoning was. The bartender says he will give him an example:

Bartender: You have an aquarium right
Guy: Yep
Bartender: So by using deductive reasoning I assume you like Fish..
Guy: Well, Yeah
Bartender: Alright if you like fish... you must like the beach
Guy: Yeah!!!! I love the beach
Bartender: Nice, well since you like the beach. I can deduce you like Girl's in bikini's...
Guy: I love *****es in Bikinis..... That's Amazing
Bartender: That's deductive reasoning

The guy walks back to his friends, Amazed from the example the Bartender just showed him. He tells his friends he just met the coolest guy..... And tells his friends about the bartender and his day job.. one of his friends ask "whats deductive reasoning?" and of course the guy's says I'll give you an example...

Guy: You have an aquarium right?
Friend: No.....?
Guy: ***

[zipity_Bop]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in
Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

__________________________________________________ __________________

A father and his son are walking in the park when they see two dogs humping. The son asked his dad, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The dad, not wanting to have THE TALK yet said, "They're making puppies."
To the relief of the father the little boy seemed to accept the answer and didn't ask any more questions.
Later that evening the father and his wife are making love when the son enters the room and says,"Daddy what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad says,"We're making babies."
The son says,"Well roll mommy over I want a puppy."
There's nude beaches in Tampa????

forget Clearwater

[thecavemankevin]

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. "What's this!?" demands the grandfather.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

[Altimas]

The husband leans over and asks his wife: "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to
himself, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.'

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking
sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady
lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man
moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has
learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet
and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is
truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had
a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"