View Full Version : The Stupid Jokes Thread
Scope
03-01-2002, 11:36 PM
Stupid jokes make me laugh, so lets share.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A STICK!
Have you seen that new movie about pirates?
It's rated "ARRRR"
A Pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender leans over to him and says "Excuse me, did you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants zipper?" And the pirate replies, "Arrrr, and it's driving me nuts."
Cliffio
03-01-2002, 11:48 PM
grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "HEY i got a drink after you, grasshopper says "you have a drink named steve?"
Clare
03-02-2002, 02:30 AM
:rolleyes:
Guy walks into a bar with a slab of pavement under his arm. Says to the bartender " Hey, I'll have two drinks, one for now and one for the road" :D
ronron2112
03-02-2002, 04:26 PM
~~~~~~If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.
~~~~~~The truth is finally known! Barney seems innocent and sweet but in fact he is Satan. It's all very simple:
1) Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3) Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V
4) Convert into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5) Add all the numbers: 666
Thus, Barney is Satan.
Navy Seal
03-04-2002, 02:16 AM
never came to my mind.... Aw heck, im gonna kill him anyway!
Snappy
03-04-2002, 10:39 AM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. All of this made him a “super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.”
A newly hired bus driver went out to the lot and found his bus. It had a “Sesame Street on Ice” advertisement across the side, and was quite nice for a new employee. He went out on his route and made his first stop. There was a man and a woman waiting for the bus, both very fat. The driver said, “Hi, this is my first day on the job. My name is Bob and I’ll be your driver.” The man said, “My name is Patty, and this is my wife Patty.” They both took a seat in the back of the bus and the driver proceeded to the next stop. An athletic young man in his 20s was waiting there. As the driver opened the door he said, “Hi, this is my first day on the job. My name is Bob and I’ll be your driver.” The young man replied with, “My name’s Ross, bus since I’m such a good athlete my friends call me ‘Special Ross’.” Special Ross took a seat in the middle of the bus. At the next stop the driver opened the door to see a man who looked to be homeless. Being a nice person, the driver said, “Hi, this is my first day on the job. My name is Bob and I’ll be your driver.” The man looked up and said ”People ‘round ‘ere call me Lester C.” He came onto the bus and took off his tattered shoes and began to pick at the sores on his feet. The driver was quite mortified, but went on the drop off all the passengers. After he parked the bus his boss came out to ask how his day went and who he encountered. The driver said, “Nah, you don’t want to hear about it.” But the boss insisted, so Bob said, “I had 2 obese Patty’s, Special Ross, and Lester C. picking his bunions on a Sesame Street bus.”
A pun is the lowest form of humor...it's pun-ishment!
I warn you, I have run off many a person on a long car trip with jokes such as these...
Hasty8
03-04-2002, 12:17 PM
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
CoFFeY[NiTrO]
03-04-2002, 04:37 PM
Why can't you play hide and seek with a Pokemon?
B/c they Picachu!!!!
Thats the golden joke for this thread
Why can't the computer programmer take a shower?
The shampoo bottle directions say 'lather, rinse, repeat.
If you understand that, then your a geek. If you think to much about it, past the obvious, then you might go to RPI.
magdude25
03-05-2002, 03:19 PM
Me : Hey do you have a matter master ?
You: Whats a matter master ?
Me: nothing slave get back to work!!
LMFAO get it ??
~Backdraft~
03-06-2002, 08:33 PM
3 guys walk into a bar.... the third one ducks
hehe, that one always get me..i'm simple minded, i know!
Load SM5
03-07-2002, 05:59 PM
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, "Hey, hot enough in here for ya?".
The second muffin replies, "AAHHH, Jesus Christ, a talking muffin!!!!"
Well it makes me laugh.
hubadlatimmy
03-07-2002, 07:23 PM
why do blondes weare panties? To keep there ankles warm
boss_automager
03-07-2002, 08:06 PM
What's a mummys favorite type of music?
Wrap,get it?:D
Zumina
03-07-2002, 10:47 PM
How many Ted Kennedies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, one to hold the bulb in the socket, and another to drink until the room starts spinning!
Mantis
03-08-2002, 01:41 AM
OK, this joke was originally told using people of a nationality that somehow got bad rep for the smarts department. I'm of that nationality so I guess I'd be allowed to use it anyway, but I'll be PC.
There were once two brothers, we'll just say they weren't the brightest. One day they went to the market and each bought a pig. When they brought the pigs home, they had a dilemma.
"How will we tell our pigs apart?," said the first brother. The second brother, being a bit smarter, replied, "I know! I'll cut the ear off my pig. That way we'll know that the pig with only one ear is mine."
So, they cut the ear off the second brother's pig. However, the two pigs did not get along too well and got in a fight, in which the second brother's pig bit one of the ears off the other pig.
"Now what will we do?" queried the first brother. "Well," responded the second, "I'll just cut the other ear off my pig, so we'll know that the pig with no ears is mine."
They proceeded to cut off the second brother's pig's other ear. But, wouldn't you know it, the pigs got into a fight again and the earless pig de-eared the other.
"NOW what will we do!?" exclaimed the first brother in distress. After thinking a moment, the second brother replied, "I suppose I'll have to cut the tail off my pig. So that we know that the pig with no tail is mine."
Those ill-tempered pigs though! Sure enough, they got into a third fight which left them both tailless.
"This is hopeless," said the first brother, "we can't cut one of their legs off, they'd be hobbling around..."
"You're right," the second brother said, "I guess... I guess I'll just have to take the white one, and you take the brown one.
Jonno06
03-09-2002, 05:09 PM
lol everyone..but here is thee best one.....
2 elephants are taking a shower.One says,"radio".
if you get that,please explain it to me.
a termite walks into a bar and says "hey whres the bar tender?"
GET IT? TENDER BAR OF WOOD AHAHAHAHAHHHAHA
no
Jonno06
03-09-2002, 07:44 PM
i dont get it B.C...lol..
ok,i hope this isnt that bad of a joke,no cursing or anything:
a lice walks into a bar shaking.The other lice asks him why he is shaking.He replies"because i had to sleep in a bikers beard all night".The other lice says"why dont you climb into a stewartess' pibics,and then you will be warm".The lice says its a good idea.So that night he goes in her pubics.The next day that same lice walks into the same bar shaking.The other lice says"why are you cold,didnt you go in her pubics?"he says "yes,but when i woke up,i was in the bikers beard again"....lol,again,i hope this isnt too offensive.
*EDIT* Not allowed
i again,hope these arent to pollitically incorrect???
AngelBoy
03-09-2002, 09:28 PM
Whats a fish say when he hits a concrete wall?
DAM!
Ok, here's my two absolute favorites:
A string goes into a bar and pulls up a seat. He asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry, but we don't serve strings in here" says the bartender. "Damn," replies the string. So he hops down and walks out the door. Once outside, he gets and idea and quickly ties himself and shakes his head. He goes back into the bar and takes a seat. "Gimme a beer" the strings demands. "Are you a string?" asks the bartender. "No, I'm a frayed knot." replies the string.
Ba-dum-bum...
A mushroom goes into a bar and starts drinking. He spies a beautiful blonde at the other end of the bar. He wants to be nice, so he sends her a drink. He watches, mystified, as the woman rejects his offer. He finishes his drink, slides down to the end of the bar, and asks the woman why she refused his drink. The woman replies "I'm sorry, but I don't accept drinks from mushrooms." The mushroom, obviously offended, exclaims, "Mushroom? I'm not a mushroom, I'm a fungi!"
As an added bonus:
A door-to-door salesman rings the bell at 101 Elm Street. The door is answered by an 8 year old boy wearing a fedora, smoking a Cuban cigar, and drinking a snifter of brandy. "Is your mom or dad home, young man?" asks the salesman. The kid replies, "Does it look like it?"
Don't applaud, just send money... :D
giblit
03-12-2002, 11:02 AM
omg these are all so corny
Zumina
03-12-2002, 04:38 PM
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for some grapes. The bar tender replies with "We don't serve grapes here." His question answered, the duck leaves.
The next day same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some grapes. Once again, the bar tender replies "I already told you, we don't serve grapes here." Again, the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and once again asks the bar tender for some grapes. Enraged, the bar tender says "Look, you've come in here twice asking for grapes, and I've told you TWICE that we do not serve grapes. Should you ask for grapes one more time, I'm going to nail you to the wall!" The Duck steps back and thinks about what the bar tender has just said, then he asks "Bar tender, got any nails?" the bar tender quickly answers "No". "Good" replied the duck, "got any grapes?"
ramsee1
03-13-2002, 12:45 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive.
:eek:
What did the John Deere say to the farmer's wife?
"I'm a tractor to you..."
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.
What do you call a cow that has an abortion?
de-calfinated.
ramsee1
03-13-2002, 04:01 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a guy who cuts himself shaving?
Nick
What do you call a guy hanging on a wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel
What do you call the same guy in a hole?
Phil
(don't forget his bro Doug)
What do you call the same guy in your wallet?
Bill
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in the court room?
Sue
ramsee1
03-13-2002, 04:36 PM
What do you call a bus load of politicians driving off a cliff?
A good start.
The county sheriff responds to the scene of an accident and finds his deputy has already arrived. "What happened?" said the sheriff. The deputy replied, "A bus load of politicians went over this cliff."
"Oh my God! Did you check to see if there are any survivors?" the sheriff demanded. The deputy confessed, "Well, I called out to see if anyone was still alive, and a couple of them shouted back up and said that they were, but you know how them politicians lie!"
hahahahahahahahahahaha!
:D
MikeCouves
03-14-2002, 07:44 PM
Everyone always wonders how god was created...
3 guys walk into a bar.
3 guys walk out of a bar drunk.
1 of the guys looks at a dog outside and says, "Look, god."
And it blasted off from there...
No offence to you god...lol.
MagMan5446
03-14-2002, 09:12 PM
You canucks aren't very funny...
You canucks aren't very funny...
:D :D :D No, but that was! :D :D :D
Panzerr
03-15-2002, 07:18 PM
What's the difference between an orange?
A telephone pole, becuase motorcycles don't have doors.
StuDawggie
03-15-2002, 07:46 PM
Originally posted by giblit
omg these are all so corny
If you thought those were bad here's one that's even worse....
2 blondes walk into a building. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
Think about it....
*I hear the room filling with groans now*
Okay now here's one that's even worse than that....
Christmas was going to be canceled last year due to an Rudolph being sick. But luckily at the last minute Olive the other reindeer came to the rescue. (Say it out loud and it will make sense)
Exodus
03-15-2002, 09:26 PM
i shouldent tell this because my aunt and uncle are lawers.
Whats the difference between a lawer and a catfish?
Ones a yellow-belley scum sucking bottom feeder and the others a fish. :D
StuDawggie
03-16-2002, 06:48 PM
:D :D :D :D LMFAO:D :D :D :D That was great...
giblit
03-18-2002, 10:39 AM
Originally posted by StuDawggie
Christmas was going to be canceled last year due to an Rudolph being sick. But luckily at the last minute Olive the other reindeer came to the rescue. (Say it out loud and it will make sense) [/B]
i dont get it:confused: :confused:
sbikeclix
03-18-2002, 12:19 PM
olive sounds like "all of"- yknow, they made a story about olive, the other reindeer(who was actually a dog)- i wonder if the book was based off of that joke...
dave_p
03-18-2002, 06:08 PM
horse walks into a bar
the bartender turns looks at the horse and says
so, why the long face
a zen buddhist approaches a hot dog cart
and says to the vendor
make me one with everything
Zumina
03-19-2002, 08:10 PM
from Femmes:
A young man, hired by a paintball proshop, reported for his first day of work. The owner greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a pro player!" the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
A woman, a poor man, and a paintballer went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The woman pushed her drink away in disgust. 'I can't drink something so gross!' The poor man shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The paintballer was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, 'Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!'
ramirezdad
03-19-2002, 09:32 PM
What's the difference between a waitress and a 57 chevy?
Not everyone's had a 57 chevy.
Zumina
03-20-2002, 07:10 PM
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Now that's just low
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