The Complete Military History of France

[Patron God of Pirates]

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
>years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War. Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.


The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
--------------------

Credit: A friend of mine who is a food technologist for the military sent this to me. I had to share it.

[oldsoldier]

Hehehe...that was pretty good! I could send that in an email to a few (thousand) people I can think of...

[HoppysMag]

ya cphilip posted this in another thread but still good ...

[breg]

You forgot the primary rule of French Fighting Vehicle design: the fighing vehicles will always have one foreward gear and five reverse gears.

[FactsOfLife]

Latest design in French Warships...

[slateman]

Originally posted by Patron God of Pirates
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Not that I disagree with you about the French, but does this line refer to Joan of Arc? Cause she was French or at least she was born in France. That would make her a Frenchmen...er... Frenchwoman.

And just to prove to you that I don't like the French-

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by Patron God of Pirates
[B- Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
[/B]

ROFL!:D :D

[edweird]

Well i think we are all familiar with the true strength of the French military...


BEHOLD FRANCES MIGHTY NAVEL WARMACHINE

[Smoke]

He he he...

http://www.unclephilly.com/feb/Armorfrench.jpg

[Army]

Just so you know: that tank isn't white. It's in a particular desert color, invented by the Brits to better match the Saharan conditions.

That's the Aberdeen Proving Grounds museum. Behind it, you can see a Sherman in the same color.

[Smoke]

Originally posted by Army
Just so you know: that tank isn't white. It's in a particular desert color, invented by the Brits to better match the Saharan conditions.

That's the Aberdeen Proving Grounds museum. Behind it, you can see a Sherman in the same color.

Yeah, that was just a dumb pic that I found on some website. I noticed the Sherman too.

[HoppysMag]

know how at the end of the gulf war the iraqis were surrendering in the thousands to basicly anything that moved...

well there were some that surrendered to the french tv crew covering the war... im sure the french crew surrendered first and soon it was like a scene from M.A.S.H., the episode with "fred" where he surrenders to hawk eye, j, burns, radar, klinger and everyone he meets... " comon fred youv got a whole ward of people to surrender to"

[Trench]

Lol... France will be put to the test soon... Who knows... maybe when we win they will claim victory...

[breg]

hey, i got sent this today, I thought you might get a kick out of it:

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in
Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than
sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates
America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He's French!"
---Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of
France!"
---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris
under a German flag."
---David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

[Load SM5]

You forgot one....

"Bonjourrrrrrrrr ya chesse eating surrender monkeys!"
---Groundskeeper Willie

[Jonesie]

Originally posted by Load SM5
You forgot one....

"Bonjourrrrrrrrr ya chesse eating surrender monkeys!"
---Groundskeeper Willie

ROTFLMAO!!!! Good one, Jeff! :D

Jonesie

[Jonesie]

Here ya go...

French:
GroundsKeeper Willie (http://www.jonesie.com/audio/simpsons-bonjour.wav)

Germans:
Mr. Burns (http://www.jonesie.com/audio/simpsons-germans.wav)

Enjoy! ~ Jonesie

[Collegeboy]

Got to love propoganda.

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by Collegeboy
Got to love propoganda.

Or comedy?

You cheese eating surrender monkey!;) :p

[Greg98]

man the initial post has alot of inaccuracies.....but I would like to point out at least one incredible french military unit... The Foreign Legion! Those guys are bad ***, and not just a bunch of criminals like in the past. They are incredibly trained (every soldier specializes in jungle warfare, deep jungle patrolling and insertion, airborne, heliborne operations, desert, and countless other things) and you americans shouldn't forget they protected the left flank of the american armoured columns in desert storm, and did a hell of a job too! Norman Shwartzkov (sorry I can't spell his name) publicly commended them on a job well done, and accepted one of their highest medals, as well he became an honorary member. So yes france has had it tough, but let's not overgeneralize their military prowess (or lack thereof). just because alot of countries don't agree with you doesn't mean they are wrong! just thought i'd share about the FL, just read a book on them, and there was a great TV show on about them last night, they are seriously hardcore!

[Sooky]

Yes, hasn't the French bashing gone on long enough??? People seem to be going overboard with this... Not just this thread, but several over the past month or so.

[Smoke]

Originally posted by Greg98
man the initial post has alot of inaccuracies.....but I would like to point out at least one incredible french military unit... The Foreign Legion! Those guys are bad ***, and not just a bunch of criminals like in the past. They are incredibly trained (every soldier specializes in jungle warfare, deep jungle patrolling and insertion, airborne, heliborne operations, desert, and countless other things) and you americans shouldn't forget they protected the left flank of the american armoured columns in desert storm, and did a hell of a job too! Norman Shwartzkov (sorry I can't spell his name) publicly commended them on a job well done, and accepted one of their highest medals, as well he became an honorary member. So yes france has had it tough, but let's not overgeneralize their military prowess (or lack thereof). just because alot of countries don't agree with you doesn't mean they are wrong! just thought i'd share about the FL, just read a book on them, and there was a great TV show on about them last night, they are seriously hardcore!

Point taken, but so are the S.E.A.L.S, or the Marines for that matter. I'd take one marine over any other kind of soldier in the world.

[Johnny_Reb]

^^^^^^^ Lets not forget Delta Force or the Green Berets:D By the way weren't the French Foreign Legion the unit that Napolean abadoned? I may be wrong but I'm pretty sure that was them.

[Smoke]

Originally posted by Johnny_Reb
^^^^^^^ Lets not forget Delta Force or the Green Berets:D By the way weren't the French Foreign Legion the unit that Napolean abadoned? I may be wrong but I'm pretty sure that was them.

^^^^But you forget, they're the ARMY!
;) :D :D

[1stdeadeye]

You are right, the French Special Forces sure are tough! They were able to sink the Rainbow Warrior without incurring a single casualty!:rolleyes:

The last naval engagement the French won was against Greenpeace! (I actually supported them on that one;) )

[Greg98]

Originally posted by automagfreek


Point taken, but so are the S.E.A.L.S, or the Marines for that matter. I'd take one marine over any other kind of soldier in the world.

I don't know about that....being Canadian, I'd be to tempted to take a JTF2 member (very, very little is known about them) but let's not forget other, less romanticized (sp?) special forces: The Russian Spetsnaz are very tough, the Israeli Special forces group (don't recall their name) have an indredible wealth of experience, the German GSG-9 are good, the Spanish have dealt with internal conflict for many years, and last but certainly not least the SAS. Those guys have been around since world war two and in many dirty conflicts after that. Their counter insurgency operations in Malaya rewrote the book on fighting in jungles, and their other operations are all over history books. I think it's a tad irrational for you to take a Marine over ANY other soldier. I'm assuming you want to be a marine or are a marine, because any reasonable person would take a special forces soldier over a regular force marine....but maybe I too am biased, my application to the army infantry is already in ;) go army :)

[Greg98]

Originally posted by 1stdeadeye
You are right, the French Special Forces sure are tough! They were able to sink the Rainbow Warrior without incurring a single casualty!:rolleyes:

The last naval engagement the French won was against Greenpeace! (I actually supported them on that one;) )

I know you are being sarcastic, but look up some info on the foreign legion, it really is an incredible unit. They've done some truly amazing things that noone seems to know about. Basically the French government sends them to any place they don't want Frenchmen to die in. Then if they succeed, the regular French army goes in and gets the "glory", but if they fail, it was just a bunch of foreigners!

ya gotta admit, thats pretty clever!

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by Greg98


I know you are being sarcastic, but look up some info on the foreign legion, it really is an incredible unit. They've done some truly amazing things that noone seems to know about. Basically the French government sends them to any place they don't want Frenchmen to die in. Then if they succeed, the regular French army goes in and gets the "glory", but if they fail, it was just a bunch of foreigners!

ya gotta admit, thats pretty clever!

You are making PGOP's point. For a real fight, the French bring in Foreigners! BTW, Frenchmen are now allowed to join the foreign legion. :p

[Greg98]

thats why it's called the "Foreign" legion! duh! ;) :p

[aaron_mag]

You take a human being and train them to be tough they are going to be pretty darn tough no matter what the nationality. Friend of mine flies helicopters for the army and seems to think the British Special Forces are really tough. Regardless they are probably all tougher than a middle aged (early 30s) office worker like myself!!!

But seriously we in the United States puff up our chest way too much. Do you know that the most efficient automotive plants in North America are in Canada? Is it because the Canadian workers work so much harder than in the United States? Nope. It is because the car manufacturers discovered that they could produce automobiles at lower costs in Canada and so they invested the technology in Canada.

I don't understand our need to wave our flag in front of everyones faces. We are a great nation. No one doubts that. We don't need to shove it in everyones face every chance we get. There are other great nations out there. Acknowedging that should not detract from pride in our own nation.

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by aaron_mag
But seriously we in the United States puff up our chest way too much. Do you know that the most efficient automotive plants in North America are in Canada? Is it because the Canadian workers work so much harder than in the United States? Nope. It is because the car manufacturers discovered that they could produce automobiles at lower costs in Canada and so they invested the technology in Canada.



That would be a great point if it were correct. For the most efficient and modern auto plants, you would actually have to travel to the south where Toyota, BMW and Mercedes built their new plants. The most modern of the American Owned plants is the New Chrysler plant right outside of Detroit! Canada has a lot of plants, but the majority are still south of the border (and mybe heading south of another border;) )

[Collegeboy]

Yes I can drive 10 minutes and see the buildings where all the Mercedes SUV are made. Or I can drive an hour and see the land where many Hyundai’s will be made. I wonder where they are making the new G class at. The building isn't complete and they are all over the place. Maybe they build it where the build the m classes right now.

But the reason they build in Alabama is hardly any property taxes and they get out of paying state taxes.

So they would be a fool not to build.

[aaron_mag]

I guess the NPR show I was listening to yesterday was incorrect;)

Hope you don't blame me if I believe their facts over yours. It doesn't matter anyway. These plants are US owned. My point is that we have this myth that we do EVERYTHING better. That is, however, not the case. We do not have these incredible genes that make us naturally superior (morally and otherwise) to all other nations. Heck we are a conglomeration of alot of different genes. There is ALOT in the US to be proud of but I am not proud of the way we are always thumping our chest.

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by aaron_mag
I guess the NPR show I was listening to yesterday was incorrect;)

Hope you don't blame me if I believe their facts over yours. It doesn't matter anyway. These plants are US owned. My point is that we have this myth that we do EVERYTHING better. That is, however, not the case. We do not have these incredible genes that make us naturally superior (morally and otherwise) to all other nations. Heck we are a conglomeration of alot of different genes. There is ALOT in the US to be proud of but I am not proud of the way we are always thumping our chest.

NPR-No Point Radio

It's not the genes, it's the Dockers Khakis!;) :p

I am on my way to buy more duct tape and plastic. It must be armegeddon. CollegeBoy and I are agreeing on something!:p ;)

P.S. The G-Class is made in Germany in a very limited number. They used to be called the Galendewagon or something like that.

[Collegeboy]

I am actually not agreeing with you deadeye :p , I am actually against you. The only reason they are building in the south is for the cheapness, no taxes (or hardly any)

The G Class will be made in Tuscaloosa, whenever they get that building done. But thanks for the info. I wondered where they were building them at.

A lot of places can produce to better efficiency then the US. Japan for example is great for production. But taxes are high. Mexico is poor for production, but total cost is low. Businesses go where they can build the most for the cheapest, not where they can build the best.

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by Collegeboy
I am actually not agreeing with you deadeye :p , I am actually against you. The only reason they are building in the south is for the cheapness, no taxes (or hardly any)

The G Class will be made in Tuscaloosa, whenever they get that building done. But thanks for the info. I wondered where they were building them at.

A lot of places can produce to better efficiency then the US. Japan for example is great for production. But taxes are high. Mexico is poor for production, but total cost is low. Businesses go where they can build the most for the cheapest, not where they can build the best.

Oh no, not twice in the same thread. Those plants were put up to take advantage of the areas. Don't forget one of the biggest reasons: No unionized labor force and relatively low labor costs (compared to Detroit, Germany, and Japan).

I am getting batteries and ammo now too!:eek:

[aaron_mag]

Originally posted by 1stdeadeye

NPR-No Point Radio


Figures you would feel that way:D

According to NPR they are a news source and provide a balanced view of the news. Even I don't believe that...

Still they are the best news radio station. Please don't tell me you listen to those wacked out conservatives who just repeat the same trash over and over in louder and louder volume...

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by aaron_mag


Figures you would feel that way:D

According to NPR they are a news source and provide a balanced view of the news. Even I don't believe that...although I really do cause I am a liberal pinko! :p

Still they are the best news radio station. Please don't tell me you listen to those wacked out conservatives who just repeat the same trash over and over in louder and louder volume...

I listen to KYW NewsRadio 1060 for my news. It is all news all the time. No commentary, no interpretations, just news. I thinks news channels are the best source for news. Leave the opinions out of it. I'll make my own decisions thank you. Usually though, I just listen to CDs in my Jeep. I especially love REM's "end of the world" (fits this thread).

No Point Radio is just as bad as the whacked out conservatives you don't like. NPR is as liberal as Rush Limbaugh is conservative.

[aaron_mag]

I would argue that every news station has a slant...

Looks like the N. Korea thread was closed or something. Trust aaron_mag, 1stdeadeye, Collegeboy, and Shartley to get any thread closed once we start debating LOL :)

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by aaron_mag
I would argue that every news station has a slant...

Looks like the N. Korea thread was closed or something. Trust aaron_mag, 1stdeadeye, Collegeboy, and Shartley to get any thread closed once we start debating LOL :) I am a big goof! :p

It's all about having fun. I enjoy sparring verbally with Collegeboy and others.

As for a slant, check out KYW's website: www.kyw1060.com They are as bland and vanilla as you want, a CNN Headline news for the radio, no time for commentary or spin, just the same format every 1/2 hour with updates. It is quite boring but informative. You just can't listen to it for long. On a slow news day they will repeat the same news for hours on end only changing Time, weather, and traffic.

Aaron Mag, you are missing my little jokes!

[aaron_mag]

I see them now!!! I skip over my own quotations but now I have gone back and reread them.

Just so you know I am not a pinko or anything of that nature. I am 100% pure red blooded american male. Now if you will excuse me I have to go and exercise to one of my wife's Pilates tapes:D

[1stdeadeye]

Originally posted by aaron_mag
I see them now!!! I skip over my own quotations but now I have gone back and reread them.

Just so you know I am not a pinko or anything of that nature. I am 100% pure red blooded american male. Now if you will excuse me I have to go and exercise to one of my wife's Pilates tapes:D

LOL:D

[Hexis]

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.* By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.* This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake.* "Actually, my story is much the same as yours.* I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.* So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.* The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smoothand slippery and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls.

I'd say you must be French."

[1stdeadeye]

Hexis,
Now that is funny! LOL:D

[Snappy]

hehehe...heliborne...we call that "Air Assault." And I'd take a PJ over any other. A marine could cover your back, but a PJ could do that and patch you up if you get shot. They are the "Jack of all Trades". Furthermore, they're Air Force, so they must be superior. :p