Computer humor..and more...

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  • Army
    Moderator of DOOOOOOOOMMM!

    • Oct 2000
    • 5785

    #1

    Computer humor..and more...

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
    compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
    stated: "If General Motors (GM) had kept up with the
    technology like the computer industry has, we would all
    be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like
    Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
    characteristics:

    l) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
    You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close
    all of the car windows,shut it off, restart it, and reopen
    the windows before you could continue.
    For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5) Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT",but then you would have to buy more seats.

    6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    7) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

    8) New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

    9) The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.

    10)occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    11)GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

    12)Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    13)You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
    Last edited by Army; 02-27-2002, 10:54 PM.
  • Army
    Moderator of DOOOOOOOOMMM!

    • Oct 2000
    • 5785

    #2
    'Nother one..

    REDNECK ETIQUETTE
    - Redneck Driving Etiquette -

    Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

    When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

    Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

    When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

    Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

    Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

    Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


    - Redneck Personal Hygiene -

    Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

    If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

    While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

    Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

    Note: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


    - Redneck Dining Out -

    Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobilehome costs just as much as yours.


    - Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -

    A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

    Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

    If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.


    - Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -

    Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

    Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

    If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, watertower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.


    - Redneck Theater Etiquette -

    Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

    Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


    - Redneck Wedding Etiquette -

    Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

    It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

    When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

    A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

    For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


    - Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -

    Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

    Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

    Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

    It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

    Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

    The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

    Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

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