Does anyone else here suffer from severe depression/anxiety?

[Target Practice]

Dude, I was the same way. I was having real trouble with my (now ex) girlfriend, i was pissed at everything, and was convinced that the whole god****** world was against me. My parents insisted that I go to a psychologist. I was like "**** that, I ain't crazy!" But then I went, and just talking about everything helped alot.

I don't have that much of a problem with depression, but I have a horrible problem with anxiety. With me it is really bad. I have lived in the same apartment complex in the heart of the SLO party scene since August. I can't bring myself to go to parties, because I am just...well, to damn scared of em. I don't know any of my neighbors, while my roomates know everybody in this place.

Anyhoo, whoever has read and Identified with the AOers in this thread, you are not alone!

[dwab3000]

i am very depressed and i have anxiety

dont feel yor alone, for a while i was depressed i didnt want to do anything, even paintball...

and please DB call a friend or someone (like a counsiler) if you are feeling like doing something drastic

i have been suffering from this since i was 7...its been 31 years now, and ive tried to kill myslef many times feeling like i was going to be crushed by the hate and expectations for me...

just i know people say stuff (well they used to before i was put on meds) like when the going gets tough gets going...its not true for depression...


so dont worry thinking your the only one herer with it, may people do these days...its a very serious disorder...

and mine got even worse...it mixed with my adhd, which just resulted in me not being able to talk to people and listen to them...

just remember your not alone, and im always there if you need help, even hough you may not know me or ever have heard of me, ive been through it all

[DiRTyBuNNy]

Dude, I was the same way. I was having real trouble with my (now ex) girlfriend, i was pissed at everything, and was convinced that the whole god****** world was against me. My parents insisted that I go to a psychologist. I was like "**** that, I ain't crazy!" But then I went, and just talking about everything helped alot.

I don't have that much of a problem with depression, but I have a horrible problem with anxiety. With me it is really bad. I have lived in the same apartment complex in the heart of the SLO party scene since August. I can't bring myself to go to parties, because I am just...well, to damn scared of em. I don't know any of my neighbors, while my roomates know everybody in this place.

Anyhoo, whoever has read and Identified with the AOers in this thread, you are not alone!

Story of my life, man....story of my life...i was like that in college...still am...I want to be the type of person that goes to party's and acts crazy and all of that...but when it comes to put up or shut up time I just pop in a DVD and watch a movie..

and as for me doing something drastic...not at all...I do feel like that from time to time...I've been depressed since I was probably 15-17...and I'm 27...I couldn't hurt myself...even if i wanted to....but I wanted to just put this thread up again so that others could express their feelings and anxiety and just get it out..

[Ephemeral]

Some people are born with chemcial imbalances that lead to depression, but I do not believe that I was. Watching old home videos of myself as a child I realize that I was happy-go-lucky and decades later I can feel that still in me sometimes if I search hard enough, and that might be what keeps me going at all. But for the most part I think that was beaten out of me, metaphorically and literally.

When you ask someone about their childhood you will often hear about birthdays, friends, bikes, and the great stuff you did with mom, dad, sisters, brothers.

If someone asked me about my childhood, I think my face would turn cold and I might make up something that I wish I had experienced and then be told "Well that sounds nice." Yes it does, doesn't it.

It is hard to answer that question truthfully in casual conversation when what I am really thinking about is all of the yelling, hitting, torment, confusion, anger, and frustration. I was never physically injured, but there were distinctive holes in the walls, and I remember bleeding from the head a bit one time. The rule was if I made a face, if I made a sound, if I cried, I would be hit more. But oddly I would have preferred that on a daily basis over the constant reminder that I was worthless, stupid, chronically wrong, can never do anything right, and nothing is ever good enough.

At some point when I was a teenager I had matured to the point where I realized what was going on. One day I had broken away from my obedience while being punished and grabbed the object I was being hit with. "I can hit myself harder than you can! Is this what you want! Does this make you feel better!" I made sure that I really was doing a more effective job, and the funny thing is I do not think I was hit again very often. Although my father was angry that I would do something like beat myself better than my mother could just to prove a point.

High school sucked but I'm going to skip to college. It was initially refreshing, I could start on a fresh page and what happened in high school did not matter. But ultimately I started failing and just wanted to run away from my life. One day was just going by horribly and to top it off the subject of my grades came up at the dinner table and about how I am wasting my life. Normally they don't open my mail, but they did that day and saw my grade report. Lo and behold I had failed every class and threw away all of my tuition. In high school I had straight As once with one citizenship grade that was satisfactory instead of excellent which resulted in being yelled at for over an hour. "How can you be so stupid," etc. So one could imagine what a surprise all Fs would be. But I did not give them much of a chance to get started with me.

After a a round of being yelled at something in me snapped. And then went five minutes of my life that I have no recollection of. A mental breakdown. A psychotic episode. I threw everything in sight, breaking dishes, punching holes in walls, destroying stuff in the house. I was screaming like I was on fire, and tried to run through a wall as if it was not there. I turned a corner and tried to jump through a closed window but didn't have enough speed.

This is what they told me I did. I have absolutely no memory of it and it took me a couple of days to understand that I actually did do that. I did not want to believe it. All I remember is that I was eating and then I was in another room on the floor hyperventilating with my dad pinning me to the floor. I was messed up for a couple weeks. Reality, my brain, and my body did not meet for breakfast for a while. I was a walking nut case.

About a week later was my girlfriend's birthday. I gave her a hard bound book called, "The Man Who Talks To Horses," which is about a man who could train horses in a kind way without having to break them. I did not care if she had read the book, I just wanted her to have it. It was the most symbolic gift from me that I could think to give her. Soon after I found it missing from her shelf. She had given it away because she did not like it. Things went downhill from there and I was beginning to feel really good about myself and the world.

I do not want to kill myself and I never really did. It was just an attractive solution to problems at times. I hold a job, stay healthy, and do not do anything harmful to myself. But nothing makes me happy, nothing satisfies me, if I climbed Mount Everest I would not feel a sense of accomplishment. I have reached some goals and await for something to happen. I did something big. I am supposed to feel good now, why do I feel nothing? I beat everyone in the state, why is this meaningless to me? Why do I feel like a loser? Why do I still feel stupid?

When the reaper comes for me I will shake his hand, give him a hug, and ask him what took so long. I am just very tired.

[DiRTyBuNNy]

Some people are born with chemcial imbalances that lead to depression, but I do not believe that I was. Watching old home videos of myself as a child I realize that I was happy-go-lucky and decades later I can feel that still in me sometimes if I search hard enough, and that might be what keeps me going at all. But for the most part I think that was beaten out of me, metaphorically and literally.

When you ask someone about their childhood you will often hear about birthdays, friends, bikes, and the great stuff you did with mom, dad, sisters, brothers.

If someone asked me about my childhood, I think my face would turn cold and I might make up something that I wish I had experienced and then be told "Well that sounds nice." Yes it does, doesn't it.

It is hard to answer that question truthfully in casual conversation when what I am really thinking about is all of the yelling, hitting, torment, confusion, anger, and frustration. I was never physically injured, but there were distinctive holes in the walls, and I remember bleeding from the head a bit one time. The rule was if I made a face, if I made a sound, if I cried, I would be hit more. But oddly I would have preferred that on a daily basis over the constant reminder that I was worthless, stupid, chronically wrong, can never do anything right, and nothing is ever good enough.

At some point when I was a teenager I had matured to the point where I realized what was going on. One day I had broken away from my obedience while being punished and grabbed the object I was being hit with. "I can hit myself harder than you can! Is this what you want! Does this make you feel better!" I made sure that I really was doing a more effective job, and the funny thing is I do not think I was hit again very often. Although my father was angry that I would do something like beat myself better than my mother could just to prove a point.

High school sucked but I'm going to skip to college. It was initially refreshing, I could start on a fresh page and what happened in high school did not matter. But ultimately I started failing and just wanted to run away from my life. One day was just going by horribly and to top it off the subject of my grades came up at the dinner table and about how I am wasting my life. Normally they don't open my mail, but they did that day and saw my grade report. Lo and behold I had failed every class and threw away all of my tuition. In high school I had straight As once with one citizenship grade that was satisfactory instead of excellent which resulted in being yelled at for over an hour. "How can you be so stupid," etc. So one could imagine what a surprise all Fs would be. But I did not give them much of a chance to get started with me.

After a a round of being yelled at something in me snapped. And then went five minutes of my life that I have no recollection of. A mental breakdown. A psychotic episode. I threw everything in sight, breaking dishes, punching holes in walls, destroying stuff in the house. I was screaming like I was on fire, and tried to run through a wall as if it was not there. I turned a corner and tried to jump through a closed window but didn't have enough speed.

This is what they told me I did. I have absolutely no memory of it and it took me a couple of days to understand that I actually did do that. I did not want to believe it. All I remember is that I was eating and then I was in another room on the floor hyperventilating with my dad pinning me to the floor. I was messed up for a couple weeks. Reality, my brain, and my body did not meet for breakfast for a while. I was a walking nut case.

About a week later was my girlfriend's birthday. I gave her a hard bound book called, "The Man Who Talks To Horses," which is about a man who could train horses in a kind way without having to break them. I did not care if she had read the book, I just wanted her to have it. It was the most symbolic gift from me that I could think to give her. Soon after I found it missing from her shelf. She had given it away because she did not like it. Things went downhill from there and I was beginning to feel really good about myself and the world.

I do not want to kill myself and I never really did. It was just an attractive solution to problems at times. I hold a job, stay healthy, and do not do anything harmful to myself. But nothing makes me happy, nothing satisfies me, if I climbed Mount Everest I would not feel a sense of accomplishment. I have reached some goals and await for something to happen. I did something big. I am supposed to feel good now, why do I feel nothing? I beat everyone in the state, why is this meaningless to me? Why do I feel like a loser? Why do I still feel stupid?

When the reaper comes for me I will shake his hand, give him a hug, and ask him what took so long. I am just very tired.

Wow..that is the most honest and open thing I've ever read from anyone here online...and I have to tell you...more than probably anyone else can (who hasn't gone through it)...that on a daily basis I feel exactly like you...I knew I wasn't alone...but I'd never read anything that put that so succinctly and in perspective...that was awesome...

[Target Practice]

Wow..that is the most honest and open thing I've ever read from anyone here online...and I have to tell you...more than probably anyone else can (who hasn't gone through it)...that on a daily basis I feel exactly like you...I knew I wasn't alone...but I'd never read anything that put that so succinctly and in perspective...that was awesome...

Major Ditto. Welcome to AO, Bro.

[ramennoodles]

i reall identify with that, ephemeral. i suffer from clinical depression, when my parents ask me whats wrong i convince myself that its an obvious problem like problems with dating, or problems in school, but its not, those are just easy axcuses for me to think of. i'm always down, i put on a good face to people at school, so when i as much as frown people freak out, if only they could see me when i'm at home by myself. i don't know, its hard to identify with people. i will sob my eyes out and then try to explain why to someone. once this happened and the person replied to me..."suck it up, you don't know real pain, my grandfather died, how do you think i felt" "i suffer from depression, i have no idea what makes me this way, i do know real pain, i do know real torment...i just wish you could understand" i said. they never talked to me again. its bad enough that i'm depressed the majority of the time but it also drives other people away from me. its just an all around bad deal.

[Ephemeral]

Wow..that is the most honest and open thing I've ever read from anyone here online...and I have to tell you...more than probably anyone else can (who hasn't gone through it)...that on a daily basis I feel exactly like you...I knew I wasn't alone...but I'd never read anything that put that so succinctly and in perspective...that was awesome...

Well it is easy to be open and honest with the anonymity of the Internet, which I think is a very good tool in helping people learn and deal with it.

An interesting thing to me about people with depression is that they wear many different masks. I think publicly we spend a lot of time hiding behind them, and there is another person in there that nobody knows is even there and they do not get to know. With me I can be cold, jaded, emotionless, arrogant. A jagged stone that isn't all that likable. But that's not really me. It's what that 5 year old kid learned how to do to protect himself over the years and now does not know how to live without that. It is like you have never known how to live normally, and now that you realize that there are alternatives, you find that trying to turn to them is as difficult as learning a new language when you've only known one way of doing it your entire life. You'll just never get the accent right.

[Digits]

rap makes me happy.. Or else angry or w/e so I listen to that and i'm fine :P

[SpecialBlend2786]

I have actually been counciling a friend of mine who sufferes from extreme depression. It has become a battle every night to prevent her from cutting herself. Everytime I believe that she is improving, she relapses and we go back to square one. She is at a point where she REFUSES help, and it is a constant struggle to try and prevent her from doing something that she will regret.

When I was younger, I used to suffer from depression and had many anger managment problems. However, after I began to talk to people about them, I got much better, and now I believe I am at a point where I can help others, which really does feel special

[Digits]

I have actually been counciling a friend of mine who sufferes from extreme depression. It has become a battle every night to prevent her from cutting herself. Everytime I believe that she is improving, she relapses and we go back to square one. She is at a point where she REFUSES help, and it is a constant struggle to try and prevent her from doing something that she will regret.

When I was younger, I used to suffer from depression and had many anger managment problems. However, after I began to talk to people about them, I got much better, and now I believe I am at a point where I can help others, which really does feel special

If you really fear for her life you should probablly try and get her to profesional help..

Personally I would never want to get involved with someone in the middle of depression.. What if they do happen to take there life? I can almost guerentee you that you will feel guilt when you shouldnt.. I would try to get her as much help as you can before she does something stupid

[TraXeR]

I used to have chronic depression when I was younger, but I outgrew it slowly. I still have a minor version of it but it isn't as severe. My therapist said it was childhood trauma from my parents divorce. I don't take medication for it, I hate medication.

[darwin]

I told my doctor about it recently when i went for a checkup.

He told me to see a psychologist that they would better fit my needs and recomended one.

I am tired of it. Tired of being tired of life. Something i seem to used to not be able to get enough of now it seems like its something i am just waiting to get done with cause i am tired of it

Theres a bit of social axiety that i deal with as well and that makes things worse. It seems ilke that aids in the sadness, being around people i dont know makes my heart race i don't know when all this creeped up but it just did

I am tired of trying to fix it myself. They don't seem to make fix a flat for your soul. if they do I can't seem to find anywhere that sells it

[Slimm Jimm]

Lets bring this attitude up a bit.

It scares me how much some of your posts resemble me, almost like we are all sharing the same mind. I have a serious problem with the school psychology department. I was doing horribly in school and was tested for emotional problems. The couselor who tested me decided it was behavioral, and I suffered academecly and emotionally because of it. It wasn't until i was about to fail 8th grade and my parents recieved a call to come in and sign paperwork to have me retained that they talked to friend with a child that has ADD. This friend recommended a neurologist and i was tested within 2 weeks. I was ADD, and several weeks later was diagosed with Clinical Depression, the same time as my father. I grew up with my dad mostly as a vegetable in front of the TV. After he was diagnosed and on medication he has vastly improved. I was on medication for both my ADD and Depression but took myself off of them because I'm not too fond of feeling like I'm even lower after the medication wears off than if I'm not on them period. I've learned to cope with the Depression and ADD with paintball and useing my talents. The problem is that what is normally a little deal for most people can be a big setback if your clinically depressed and not on medications. I'm currently in one of those states right now, but I think I may have a way to bounce back from it. I've learned that if you find something that makes you feel up and figure out a way to get to it most of the time (no chemicals), you can make your life better.

Have I considered suicide, yes, some rather creative ways to die, I like to think. My depression has contributed to my "Columbine Profile" as I like to call it on the school records. Sorry, I'm rambling right now. My best advice is to get a real friend, and to not take that friend for granted, because not all of us are so fortunate.

[DiRTyBuNNy]

Have I considered suicide, yes, some rather creative ways to die, I like to think. My depression has contributed to my "Columbine Profile" as I like to call it on the school records. Sorry, I'm rambling right now. My best advice is to get a real friend, and to not take that friend for granted, because not all of us are so fortunate.

Columbine was the actual reason I first went to see someone for my problem. I'm not on meds right now...I do want to be though...at least for this stretch...like others have said...I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired...I've been this way for over 10 years...probably close to 15...it just sucks...