Best CLEAN joke?

[AFRaven]

A guy gets back from works to see his girlfriend packing her things.

"Where are you going?", inquires the man.

"I'm leaving because everyone says you are a pedophile", replies the girlfriend.

The man responds, "Well, that's a mighty big word for a ten-year-old."

[Python14]

Jim the Jealous husband is driving home from a long day of work at the salt mines. He gets to his driveway and sees a car he doesn't recognize. Not even thinking of giving his wife the benefit of the doubt, he decides to atlease give her some warning. He pulls around the corner, just out of view of his house and pulls out his cell phone. It's really dark outside and he is full of vengeful anger so he doesn't even think about dialing, he just does. The phone rings twice and a little girl picks up. Jim, sighing a bit of relief says "Hi honey, It's daddy. Could you tell me who is visiting?". She pauses for a second and you hear her running up some stairs. She comes back down and says "Uh...daddy, it's uncle Phil. He's in mommys room". Jim's vains are about to bust now. He puts himself together and tries his best to calmly ask what phil is doing. "Honey, could you go tell mommy and uncle Phil that I'm coming home now" The little girl puts down the phone and you can hear her running upstairs again. Then you hear her screaming and then a loud crash and glass breaking. She runs back downstairs and picks up the phone. Jim is a little worried because of all the comotion. He asks "What happened?". The little girl, obviously oblivious to the sex, says "Well, Uncle phil was naked and got up real quick, like he saw a ghost or something. While he was doing that, mommy fell on the ground. She was naked too. I tried to wake her up, but she must be tired." Jim, now very worried says "Honey, Then what was the glass breaking?" The little girl kinda makes a thinking noise and says "Well, when mommy fell, phil got the blankets wrapped around his legs. He tripped on mommys leg and fell out the window and into the pool"....Jim, is real worried now, He timidly says
"but hon, we don't have a pool"

[satin (not satan)]

a peace of string walks into a bar and the bar tender says sorry we don't serve your kind. so the string walk out and ties a knote in his head and frays (sp) the top of his head. after do that he walks back into the bar and the bar tender says arn't you the string i just kicked out the string replys no im afraid not

[El Fox!?]

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?


...dam...

Geh, never any drumroll...

[BobTheCow]

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

How do you fit 3 blondes on one bar stool?
Flip it over.

Why did the blonde have bruises all around her belly button?
'Cause blonde guys aren't that smart either.

Tee hee hee...

[langrage]

i cleaned this one up as best i could to make it non religous. Dang PC forums

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, (a deity) was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of (a deity), "Where have you been?"
(a deity) sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied (a deity), "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. (a deity) explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. (a deity) continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by (a deity)'s work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said (a deity). "That's TEXAS, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, pointing, the Hand of (a deity). There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.
The people from TEXAS are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout
the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed," What about balance, (a deity)?" "You said there would be balance!"
(a deity) replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around Them in New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas & Louisiana."

[Roofles]

3 men are in the bathroom taking a leak, They all finish up and walk over to wash their hands, the first guy takes a long time washing his hands well with lots of soap and water and takes a ton of paper towels.
He turns to the other 2 guys and says, "I'm from the University of Washington, where they taught us to be clean and healthy."
The second guy washes his hands with little water and soap and grabs one paper towel and wipes his hands clean, then he turns to the other two and says, "I'm from the University of California, where they taught us to be environmentally friendly."
The third guy walks straight for the door and turns to the other two and says (insert hic voice here), "I'm from the University of Wyomin', where they taught us not to pee on our hands!"

A blond a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desert island and they see another island full of people 20 miles away, so they all decided to swim to the island.
Well the brunette swam 5 miles, couldnt swim another stroke, and drown.
The redhead swam 10 miles, couldn't swim another stroke, and drown.
The blond swam 19 miles, got too tired to swim anymore, and turned around and swam all the way back.

... and I have soo many more packed up there in my head, too bad they are all racist and highly offensive. But o so funny!!!

[Pyrate Jim]

Jeeves was a butler who worked far a very rich, but very old man who had a beautiful young wife.
One day, the old man says "Jeeves-my wife and I are going out for the night and won't be home untill late" and they get in the limo and leave.
A short time later the limo returns with only the beautiful young wife. She enters the house and says "Jeeves, come with me" She leads him to her bedroom and says "Jeeves, take off my dress" So he takes her dress off. Then she says "Jeeves, take off my stockings" and he does. Then she says "Jeeves, take off my bra and panties" Trembling now, Jeeves does as she asks.
Then the wife says "Next time I find you wearing my clothes-you're fired!"

[mR.HaAPPY]

two peanuts/pretzels (whatever your prefered snacking item may be) were walking down the street .... one was assaulted.


s a cold day out, so this guy goes to his local diner to get some chili. when he gets to the place and sits down on a stool, he orders some coffee and a bowl of chili. the cook lady goes "sorry hun, the guy next to you got the last bowl." "poo" says the guy. after a while, the guy sees his neighbor getting ready to leaver, WITHOUT finishing the chili ... so he asked him if he can have it. the neighbor guy says fine. the man tears into that chili, eating it up like crazy.... about halfway into the bowl, he sees a dead mouse, and pukes the chili back into the bowl. the neighbor guy neighbor guy goes "myeah, that's about as far as i got too"

[ProjectMag]

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left side?






He's alrigt now.

[sneakyhacker420]

Originally posted by joey d
jim was a gynocologist for 20 years of his life. one day, he decided to change his profession to auto mechanic.

jim takes the schooling, training and eveything he needs to become a mechanic.

final day of class comes, along with a test.

students must disassemle a full engine and then re-assemble it.

jim does so.

at the end of class, he goes to the teacher for his grade. the teacher marks him at 150%

confused, jim says to the teacher, how did I get 150%?

teacher says:

well jim. you took the engine apart correctly, thats 50%

you put it back together correctly, thats 50%

having done it all through the exhaust piping, theres your final 50%

now theres one worth reading... that pink one was just f'ing STUPID

[LIGHTEMUP]

jack be nimble jack be quick jack sat on a candle stick and burned his................quarteroys

bumperstickers

Speed kills, drive slow, get a Honda.

0 to 60... in 15 minutes.

Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal

Caution I swerve and hit people at random

So many pedestrians, so little time

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

enjoy Beer - It's not just for breakfast anymore

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Rehab Is for Quitters

Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

[cris8762]

There once was a man from Nantucket

[Hasty8]

I heard this joke a while back and while is deals with Canadians and Montreal-ians (sp) you can substitue just about any two groups that hate each other.

Two men are walking through the desert. One is from Bitish Cloumbia and the other is from Montreal. They have no water and are dying of thrist when they come across a lamr. They both grab for it and in doing do they awaken the genie that lives with the lamp. The genie tells them that the one who awoke and freed him will get two wishes but they both fight as to who actually got the lamp first.

After a few hours of fighting the genie suggests that each person take one wish, thereby fulfilling his requirement and the two men agree. The guy from Montreal goes first and says "Genie, I want you to build a wall 200 feet high and 50 feet think around my beautiful home of Montreal so to keep out the other "Canadian" scum and keep my beautiful Montreal pure from their contamination."

The genie does a wiggle, a giggle and a wink and shouts "IT IS DONE!", then turns to the other guy and asks him what his wish is. The other guy barely even thinks a second and says "You know that wall you just made around Montreal?" "Yeah", says the Genie.

"Fill it to the top with water." says the guy from BC.

[MiniMag84]

Originally posted by langrage
i cleaned this one up as best i could to make it non religous. Dang PC forums

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, (a deity) was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of (a deity), "Where have you been?"
(a deity) sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied (a deity), "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. (a deity) explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. (a deity) continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by (a deity)'s work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said (a deity). "That's TEXAS, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, pointing, the Hand of (a deity). There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.
The people from TEXAS are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout
the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed," What about balance, (a deity)?" "You said there would be balance!"
(a deity) replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around Them in New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas & Louisiana."

Diplomats and Peace carriers? Bush is from Texas, isn't he?