my horror story

[ZAust]

well, i spent 6 hours working on this story today. i dont think its that great, but my mom says its good. so i was wondering what you guys think of it. its kinda long(6.5 pages), but if you guys could read and give me some constructive criticism, advice, any comments would be cool. thanks!

edit: the only way i could upload is to save it as a zip.

[MayAMonkeyBeYourPinata]

try to show and not tell, which you did a good job of.

In the ending don't just have them die so easily, i mean the dad doesnt even try to get his son out of the chair.

[-Carnifex-]

Post it. I'm clicking is hard for me.

[MayAMonkeyBeYourPinata]

[sps16]

aw, not going to read it, so can you read it to me?

[ZAust]

it is an excellent bed time story, if you like going to sleep with stories where the two main characters die from mass beatle bites. thatks for the thoughts monkey. i really wanted the ending to just be a culmination of everything tahts ever happened to him. losing his wife, all his emotional troubles, and seeing his son die was just the icing on the cake.

[dansim]

steves a pussy

[-=Squid=-]

Originally posted by dansim
steves a pussy

Dansim strikes again! Always saying what were all thinking...However, Im assuming steve is from the story, and im way to lazy to read that.

[dansim]

yeah hes the main character aside from the kid but he watches as his son is eaten alive and stands there as they eat him, i say f that try to save your kid, if it doesnt work burn down the house and pee on the ashes and scream "take that you evil dung beatle b***h!!!!"

step two, seek world dominance

[-=Squid=-]

Originally posted by dansim
yeah hes the main character aside from the kid but he watches as his son is eaten alive and stands there as they eat him, i say f that try to save your kid, if it doesnt work burn down the house and pee on the ashes and scream "take that you evil dung beatle b***h!!!!"

step two, seek world dominance

My teachers lookin at me funny cause I just laughed out loud.

[pputkowski]

Zaust, good story

Dansim, you rule

[HoppysMag]

kinda bad killer, bugs... eh you could do better
and by they way i saw the ivory thing as soon as you mentioned it. not very good plot twist. id say next time pick a killer or monster or what ever, keep it a ll mysterous so you can drag it out longer. i mean most of the story was about steve ( u called him stephen once) puking...

[beam]

I thought it was pretty well written, but predictable. It's hard to come up with a truly original plot and then masterfully reveal it in a manner that the reader can't predict.

Pretty good though.

[ZAust]

alright, thanks for the input guys. i made the mistake of putting a rough draft up, i made some changes to the final copy. it was supposed to involve some root fear of mine, and for some reason ive always been afraid of huge hordes of bugs, always had weird dreams about them. ill post when i get the grade.

[jr119us]

Eh...I give it a C...