In the tradition of the Tolkster himself we will give our Pirate a name with to many vowels. He is Captain Juioan son of Buioan.
We first encounter Juioan as the first of the white ships departs Rivendale. Waiting in the fog beyond the reef is the menacing Corsair ship, the Grimtooth. Juioans pirates attack the white fleet.
In short order they have scuttled all of the elven ships, killed the elven men, and taken the elven women hostage.
Unknown to Juioan, Legolas' cousin Shinobi is among those thought to be female. He maintains a low profile until one of the surly pirates tries to grab his junk. At that point Shinobi flips out and kills the hell out of all of the Pirate crew. Then all alone with a personal harem of Elven nublies he sails the Grimtooth for the undying lands.
In the commotion Juiaon escapes in a long boat. He reachers the shores of Middle Earth alone, his timbers shivering, his gib cut poorly. Soon he encounters a marauding band of orcs. They attack him and he pounds they hell out of them and crowns himself king of Orc beach.
Then we cut away to all the other junk that is going on.
At this point the Rohan are celebrating their victory at Helms Deep. Juioan shows up and parties hard. In fact, he is in the background of every single shot.
Then he starts hitting on what's her name with the hey for hair. Aragorn comes to her defense.
Aragorn: "You'll be taking your hands off the lady"
Juioan: "Lad! Have you any idea who you are talking to? I be Cap'n Juioan, King of Orc Beech"
Aragorn: "And I'm Aragorn, and I have little patience for Pirates"
Juioan: "Aye! It seems you don't"
Juioan then stabs Aragorn in the face, grabs hold of a rope and somehow swings upward out a window.
Next time we see Juioan is on the steps to Mordor. The Fat Hobbit is alone and crying and we see Juions Jack Boot step into the scene behind him.
Juioan: "What be the problem halfling?"
The Fat Hobbit: "Blubber, blubber, cry, sob, weep"
Juioan: "That be all? I can solve that fer ya"
At that point Juioan kicks the helpless Samwise off the cliff.
(Note that if Juioan did nothing else he will have improved the movie by between 6000 and 7000 percent)
Next Juioan happens upon a giant spider spinning Frodo into a cocoon.
Juioan: "Avast spider! That be my prize! I'll have you be puttin it down!"
Terrified, the spider flees. Juioan is then captivated by the call of the one ring. So he takes it. Then he strolls to the Orc fort and beats up some orcs for sport.
When Frodo comes to his senses he realizes he no longer has the ring and heads for the tower to try to reclaim it. There he finds Juioan standing on a pile of dead Orcs and Uruk. He sees the ring around the great pirates neck. He explains to the pirate what must be done with the ring.
Juioan: "Nonsense! You be lettin me take care of the dark lord"
With that, Juioan strolls into Mordor. Stealth fully avoiding some Orcs, killing others. He then climbs to the top of Suarons tower.
Suaron: "Yes my servant! You have brought me the ring of power!"
Juioan: "Captain Juioan serves no man.. Or big flaming eye"
At this point Juioan drops trow and pees on the flaming eye.... For three hours. Until the last of the flaming eye had been extinguished.
The End-
That's it. One fade and the credits roll. Not four thousand post scripts where Hobbits cry, or jump around in bed together.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What can I say, I'm in rare form.
We first encounter Juioan as the first of the white ships departs Rivendale. Waiting in the fog beyond the reef is the menacing Corsair ship, the Grimtooth. Juioans pirates attack the white fleet.
In short order they have scuttled all of the elven ships, killed the elven men, and taken the elven women hostage.
Unknown to Juioan, Legolas' cousin Shinobi is among those thought to be female. He maintains a low profile until one of the surly pirates tries to grab his junk. At that point Shinobi flips out and kills the hell out of all of the Pirate crew. Then all alone with a personal harem of Elven nublies he sails the Grimtooth for the undying lands.
In the commotion Juiaon escapes in a long boat. He reachers the shores of Middle Earth alone, his timbers shivering, his gib cut poorly. Soon he encounters a marauding band of orcs. They attack him and he pounds they hell out of them and crowns himself king of Orc beach.
Then we cut away to all the other junk that is going on.
At this point the Rohan are celebrating their victory at Helms Deep. Juioan shows up and parties hard. In fact, he is in the background of every single shot.
Then he starts hitting on what's her name with the hey for hair. Aragorn comes to her defense.
Aragorn: "You'll be taking your hands off the lady"
Juioan: "Lad! Have you any idea who you are talking to? I be Cap'n Juioan, King of Orc Beech"
Aragorn: "And I'm Aragorn, and I have little patience for Pirates"
Juioan: "Aye! It seems you don't"
Juioan then stabs Aragorn in the face, grabs hold of a rope and somehow swings upward out a window.
Next time we see Juioan is on the steps to Mordor. The Fat Hobbit is alone and crying and we see Juions Jack Boot step into the scene behind him.
Juioan: "What be the problem halfling?"
The Fat Hobbit: "Blubber, blubber, cry, sob, weep"
Juioan: "That be all? I can solve that fer ya"
At that point Juioan kicks the helpless Samwise off the cliff.
(Note that if Juioan did nothing else he will have improved the movie by between 6000 and 7000 percent)
Next Juioan happens upon a giant spider spinning Frodo into a cocoon.
Juioan: "Avast spider! That be my prize! I'll have you be puttin it down!"
Terrified, the spider flees. Juioan is then captivated by the call of the one ring. So he takes it. Then he strolls to the Orc fort and beats up some orcs for sport.
When Frodo comes to his senses he realizes he no longer has the ring and heads for the tower to try to reclaim it. There he finds Juioan standing on a pile of dead Orcs and Uruk. He sees the ring around the great pirates neck. He explains to the pirate what must be done with the ring.
Juioan: "Nonsense! You be lettin me take care of the dark lord"
With that, Juioan strolls into Mordor. Stealth fully avoiding some Orcs, killing others. He then climbs to the top of Suarons tower.
Suaron: "Yes my servant! You have brought me the ring of power!"
Juioan: "Captain Juioan serves no man.. Or big flaming eye"
At this point Juioan drops trow and pees on the flaming eye.... For three hours. Until the last of the flaming eye had been extinguished.
The End-
That's it. One fade and the credits roll. Not four thousand post scripts where Hobbits cry, or jump around in bed together.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What can I say, I'm in rare form.
but funny. Done in good form though.
frodo... nooo...
member# 13650
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