15 Things I Hate About the Holidays
15 Things I Hate About the Holidays...
1. Presents-
Oh sure, presents are what Christmas is all about, but you rarely get what you want. Socks, long underwear, a bra. All you get is clothes and gift cards for stores you don't intend on visting (ie: Toys R Us).
2. Snow-
It's white. It's fluffy. It's friggin' cold! C'mon, gloves just get wet when you touch snow with them, and your fingers will get frostbitten if you go bare handed. You lose both ways. Snowmen take all day and last half a week before it melts, gets run over with a snowmobile, or gets knocked over by some punk kid with a stick.
3. The cold-
You have to put on a sweater, parka, overalls, long johns, gloves, ear muffs, a beanie, boots, and a scarf just to get something out of the car. Thank man for global warming.
4. Attempting to return lousy gifts-
Of course she didn't keep the receipt, because she though you'd love the corkscrew she got you. And (of course) she's offended that you want to return the crappy gift.
5. Carolers-
"Get the hell off my ****ing porch before I call the **** cops!" If you step into my yard and start singing anything about Christmas, Hannukah, or that one that starts with a 'Q', you had better be expecting a swift kick in the ***.
6. Music-
All Christmas music sucks, unless it's funny, pestimistic (spelling?), or redone by a rock group. Then it's okay.
7. Christmas morning-
Everyone younger than you wakes you up at 7:00 a.m.; everyone older than you takes an hour and a half having coffee, going to the bathroom, and fiddling with a camera whilw you impatiently start opening presents alone.
8. Non-alcoholic Eggnog-
It tastes like crap! And, yeah, I'm a minor so if I want the good, hard stuff with brandy in it I have to steal it.
9. Homeless People-
Taking away all your Christmas cheer by either making you feel sorry enough to give away your stuff or by making you feel terrible for not helping. I guess it's not their fault but this is my list and I'm gonna make it to fifteen!!!
10. Christmas cards-
Ever see the table after your wife/mother is done making them? The stack is HUGE! It must take forever, and the only people who really enjoy receiving them are lonely seniors and people in the army.
11. Christmas specials-
When everything on the tube has to do with joy and good will towards man. That's just sick. Besides, it's man that polluted the earth and killed all the animals... ...???
12. Getting caught-
Aight - everyone's asleep. You slip down the stairs Bondishly. You grab the biggest damn package with your name on it and carefully unwrap it so it can easily be put back looking untouched. All of a sudden, you hear a creepy noise. You dart around to see what it is. 'SHH-RIPP!!'...."Uh-oh!" The lights flicker on and everyone's staring at you and already called the police assuming it was a burglar.
13. Dudes dressed up as Santa-
Any store you go to has them. They won't stop ringing those bloody bells and passing out cheap, miniature, bagged candy canes that break into 86 fragments in your pocket.
14. Leaving Santa milk-
What's the point? Nobody believes in him! And even if he was real, how do you know he likes milk and cookies? "Hey kids, want cooler gifts? Leave Santa spare ribs and a beer."
15. People calling me Grinch-
This is at the bottom of my list, actually, because that cartoon movie rules all the way up until he turns nice.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>
That's it, have a bum**** holiday!
1. Presents-
Oh sure, presents are what Christmas is all about, but you rarely get what you want. Socks, long underwear, a bra. All you get is clothes and gift cards for stores you don't intend on visting (ie: Toys R Us).
2. Snow-
It's white. It's fluffy. It's friggin' cold! C'mon, gloves just get wet when you touch snow with them, and your fingers will get frostbitten if you go bare handed. You lose both ways. Snowmen take all day and last half a week before it melts, gets run over with a snowmobile, or gets knocked over by some punk kid with a stick.
3. The cold-
You have to put on a sweater, parka, overalls, long johns, gloves, ear muffs, a beanie, boots, and a scarf just to get something out of the car. Thank man for global warming.
4. Attempting to return lousy gifts-
Of course she didn't keep the receipt, because she though you'd love the corkscrew she got you. And (of course) she's offended that you want to return the crappy gift.
5. Carolers-
"Get the hell off my ****ing porch before I call the **** cops!" If you step into my yard and start singing anything about Christmas, Hannukah, or that one that starts with a 'Q', you had better be expecting a swift kick in the ***.
6. Music-
All Christmas music sucks, unless it's funny, pestimistic (spelling?), or redone by a rock group. Then it's okay.
7. Christmas morning-
Everyone younger than you wakes you up at 7:00 a.m.; everyone older than you takes an hour and a half having coffee, going to the bathroom, and fiddling with a camera whilw you impatiently start opening presents alone.
8. Non-alcoholic Eggnog-
It tastes like crap! And, yeah, I'm a minor so if I want the good, hard stuff with brandy in it I have to steal it.
9. Homeless People-
Taking away all your Christmas cheer by either making you feel sorry enough to give away your stuff or by making you feel terrible for not helping. I guess it's not their fault but this is my list and I'm gonna make it to fifteen!!!
10. Christmas cards-
Ever see the table after your wife/mother is done making them? The stack is HUGE! It must take forever, and the only people who really enjoy receiving them are lonely seniors and people in the army.
11. Christmas specials-
When everything on the tube has to do with joy and good will towards man. That's just sick. Besides, it's man that polluted the earth and killed all the animals... ...???
12. Getting caught-
Aight - everyone's asleep. You slip down the stairs Bondishly. You grab the biggest damn package with your name on it and carefully unwrap it so it can easily be put back looking untouched. All of a sudden, you hear a creepy noise. You dart around to see what it is. 'SHH-RIPP!!'...."Uh-oh!" The lights flicker on and everyone's staring at you and already called the police assuming it was a burglar.
13. Dudes dressed up as Santa-
Any store you go to has them. They won't stop ringing those bloody bells and passing out cheap, miniature, bagged candy canes that break into 86 fragments in your pocket.
14. Leaving Santa milk-
What's the point? Nobody believes in him! And even if he was real, how do you know he likes milk and cookies? "Hey kids, want cooler gifts? Leave Santa spare ribs and a beer."
15. People calling me Grinch-
This is at the bottom of my list, actually, because that cartoon movie rules all the way up until he turns nice.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>
That's it, have a bum**** holiday!
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