A Second Chance?

[Target Practice]

I don't expect her to change on a dime. I expect her to change with my help. Rehabilitation, if you will. Call it...tough love. I know that trust has been breached, that was my whole reason for ending it (or in this case, it would be an extreme hiatus). We could work to restore trust. The worst thing that could happen is that I could end up right back where I am now, with a lesson learned.

[magking1971]

If she did it one time she will do it again, just kick her in the arse and send her on her way!
NO second chances on cheating!!!!!!!
Trust us on this advice.

[1stdeadeye]

If she broke your trust, how are you ever going to trust her again?

[Thordic]

As far as Im concerned, once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe she won't cheat again, but every time she is late to meet you, or you can't get in touch with her, etc, you'll be wondering if shes out with some other guy.

Not worth it.

Find someone who isn't a cheater.

[Miscue]

I don't expect her to change on a dime. I expect her to change with my help. Rehabilitation, if you will. Call it...tough love. I know that trust has been breached, that was my whole reason for ending it (or in this case, it would be an extreme hiatus). We could work to restore trust. The worst thing that could happen is that I could end up right back where I am now, with a lesson learned.

Excuse me for one moment...

HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

How long you've been on planet Earth, eh? You really are wasting your time with that situation.

<font color="white">What an idiot would think: But you don't know her like I do. You don't understand the situation. You're not here. It could happen. Blah blah blah.</font>

[Lohman446]

I was married for five years - and I can answer this easily. First off I never cheated on my ex, I know of at least three different people she cheated with. Thats background, the story goes more like this

When I was dating her she was married - this should have been my first clue that she didn't take marriage seriously. BTW - I also have to take some (though not an even share) of the blame for what happened beyond this, as I also at that point obviously held a poor view of marriage vows.

The first time she cheated on me was with someone she knew for some time, from out of state. He came up here and obvious results. She then announced she wanted a divorce and was going to live with him. I should have seen her reasoning better, but she suddenly wanted to come back after she saw what she would get in a divorce.

Six months later she moved out of state to be with someone else, I let her come back (we have kids and I thought it the best thing). But this was the fall of our relationship. At this point she came back.

From this point on I never fully trusted her again. I looked at everything she did in a different light, I considered each person she talked to differently. There was no trust in our relationship at this point.

Recently, in the past year, I finalized our divorce when she moved in with someone else - she has since asked to come back and I have finally been smart enough to say no.

Ok, whats the point to all this?

Cheating on someone is not often a "spur of the moment" thing. The girl was looking at this other guy for some time, and had likely made moves to cheat. Spur of the moment things are mistakes (if you forgive them or not is your choice). Cheating is normally a long term consideration and conscious choice - even when done in a single night. Don't let "I was drunk" be an excuse, going to a bar, letting someone buy you a drink/buying someone else a drink and drinking and flirting with them is a conscous choice, a choice to make a step down a path towards cheating - yes the final act may have been of impaired judgement, but the trip down that road was not. The question is, can you trust her fully again? If you can, then consider trying - though don't for a moment think you have an obligation to. There are stages to a relationship and its ending - and the first is denial. Your not denying that she cheated, you are denying what it truly means. The best advice I can give you, is tell her you want six months to a year (or whatever, but no less than six months) of not discussing a relationship, of both of you being single. That gives you both time to think about if this relationship is what you want - and to build your life outside of that relationship. When that is all done, then consider it - again with no committment to having to have it. The fact of the matter is relationships are like life, you get comfortable in a pattern, with a person, and changing it (even when it needs done) is sometimes not worth the effort. Break that comfort, get life around not having that relationship, adn then see if it is what you want or not.

[Target Practice]

Here ya' go. I forgot about this. I wrote it a couple of days afterr the whole thing went down.

You know, maybe I just have a little more faith in people, or maybe I'm just a little less cynical than the rest of you. I was talking this over with my roomate, and he said that if he had cheated, he would want a second chance.

[Lohman446]

Quoted from the link you have Well, it turns out that the "Unexpected Event" happend twice. She had unprotected sex with Jeff,

This had crossed my mind, and I had forgot to mention it in the above reply. There is a health concern with being with someone who is cheating on you. Lets put it this way, when in a committed relationship steps can be taken to assure "I have nothing, you have nothing its all good". Remember, no protection is 100% safe. When you have someone in one of these relationships who cheat, you run the distinct risk of introducing something into it. Remember, those that come into a committed relationship as a third party are generally not the monogamous(sp) type themselves. There is a distinct and present risk to being with someone not in a committed relationship wtih you.

Now.. before I get flamed on this - I have no problem with sex outside of a relationship - whatever you want to do is fine. But when making choices in such matters don't fool yourself. "Being smart" and using protection can help, but it is not 100% gaurentee. Make choices, but don't lie to yourself about the facts in making them.

As for forgiveness - ideally yes. However, there are deeper issues here, and I hope you are not reentering a relationship just because it is comfortable or convenient. I don't mean that to sound as rude as it does, and understand that I was there and I did that once. I reiterate that, if you want to reenter this relationship, one of the best things for you, for her, adn for that relationship you can do is be single again for awhile. It sounds like something you had discussed and not committed to (being single) before this happened. There are risks to it, both healthwise and emotionally, but it does build a stronger relationship in the end.

[Target Practice]

Quoted from the link you have Well, it turns out that the "Unexpected Event" happend twice. She had unprotected sex with Jeff,

This had crossed my mind, and I had forgot to mention it in the above reply. There is a health concern with being with someone who is cheating on you. Lets put it this way, when in a committed relationship steps can be taken to assure "I have nothing, you have nothing its all good". Remember, no protection is 100% safe. When you have someone in one of these relationships who cheat, you run the distinct risk of introducing something into it. Remember, those that come into a committed relationship as a third party are generally not the monogamous(sp) type themselves. There is a distinct and present risk to being with someone not in a committed relationship wtih you.

Now.. before I get flamed on this - I have no problem with sex outside of a relationship - whatever you want to do is fine. But when making choices in such matters don't fool yourself. "Being smart" and using protection can help, but it is not 100% gaurentee. Make choices, but don't lie to yourself about the facts in making them.

As for forgiveness - ideally yes. However, there are deeper issues here, and I hope you are not reentering a relationship just because it is comfortable or convenient. I don't mean that to sound as rude as it does, and understand that I was there and I did that once. I reiterate that, if you want to reenter this relationship, one of the best things for you, for her, adn for that relationship you can do is be single again for awhile. It sounds like something you had discussed and not committed to (being single) before this happened. There are risks to it, both healthwise and emotionally, but it does build a stronger relationship in the end.

As for the first thing, it has already been addressed and taken care of. She has a clean bill of health, just 'cause she got damn lucky.

As for the second thing, I'm a little at odds about. Haven't quite made up my mind totally. Pope says no, though, so that about settles it.

Finally, when you get right down to it, I don't want to do this for me. I want to do this for her. I take crap like this pretty well, but it completely screwed her up. I have already punished her once, and it was like a kick in the teeth for her. I ask again, what's the worst that could happen? I end up right back here, which would bother me hardly at all.

[Lohman446]

I take crap like this pretty well, but it completely screwed her up. I have already punished her once, and it was like a kick in the teeth for her. I ask again, what's the worst that could happen? I end up right back here, which would bother me hardly at all.

First let me open this by saying you show more thought on this situation than most people do. Most people make these decisions as snap decisions and don't fully consider them.

I worry about any relationship that one person does not really care about. You care for her I understand.. but you don't care about the relationship. I'm there - I care about my ex, I care that she has a decent life - but I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP with her (beyond co-parenting/friends). You can care about someone, you can help someone, and you can be there without entering a relationship.

As for whats the worst that could happen - your answer, well the same answer I gave, is shortsighted. Consider this a moment: Your relationship goes well, you get married, you have kids. Five, ten, the appropriate number of years from now she does this again. You are in a much worse position than you are now. Am I telling you don't do it, not at all. I am telling you to consider things in a painfully truthful way. Sometimes its not easy... but you will make a decision you are much better off with, whichever way you decide.