Any poets in the house? I need your help.

[member#10,261]

before I write anything I want yall to know I can't spell worth poop, so just ignore it pleze.

I know this is a little low and a pritty jackazz move, but I really need some help. I told my girlfriend that I would write a poem about how much I miss her while she is away visiting family in Colorado (spelling?) She reterns on Sat. the 3 of July, and our "two month anavercery" is on the 5th. So I am going to read it to her on the 5th. I am 18 and she is 17, I don't "love" her but I do like her (a lot) and want to stay with her untill I leave for the Navy, Jan. So I was just hopeing some of you guys, and maby some of the girls of AO, could help me through critiques and stuff like that. ANY help is appriceated, but please no bashing and flaming.

You are the last thing I think of before I go to sleep.
In the scilent place, in the calm there you are.
A point in time I sit and wate, I wate for you.

I want to be close to you
I want to to see your face
I want to hear your voice
I want to touch you softly
I need to be with you

You are the first thing I think of when I wake up.


But now I don't know where to go with it. Is what I have any good? I just need a few extra brains to help me think this through. My family is out of town for a few months and all my friends are numb when it comes to this stuff. Thanks for any help.

[paintbattler]

I really hope it's not supposed to rhyme...

[bubbleman441]

No offense but so far this peom sound almost identical to some Christian song I've heard. Anyway from what you have written so far sounds like you love the girl. If you don't want to make the girl think you love her, you might want to change it a little. I hate when girls do the same to me and make it seem like there in love with me only to later find out they're just my "friend"

[member#10,261]

yeah thats one of my fave songs so I thought I would throw in some lyrics cuz she likes that sort of thing.

no its not soposed to rhyme

dose it really sound to lovey dovie? I don't want her to think I am absolutly in love or that I am some werdo that is obsesed with her, just that I missed her.


thanks for the polite comments

[Miscue]

Here I sit, all broken hearted...

[Kai]

Just finish it with this line:

Porn is the only thing that gets me through the day.

She'll be all over you.

[Trigger_Happy]

https://www.allpoetry.com

Don't steal anything, but that should give you some ideas.

You spoke of missing her in the silence of the night during her first verse, so you might continue that second verse by talking about missing her in the rush of daytime?

Also, since you're going to be reading this, you'll want it to flow really nicely. The best way to do this in to count syllables. For instance, you have two more syllable in the first line of the your first verse than in your first line of your second. Add "each day" at the end of that line, and you're golden.

Also, you did the 'comma-repeat' thing on your last line of the first verse, so try to mirror that in the second verse. Just some tips...

[The Action Figure]

hmm. your poem reminds me of a song we sing at church

I want to know you
I want to hear your voice
I want to love you more
I want to touch you
I want to see you face
I want to know you more

funny

[member#10,261]

like I said...
"yeah thats one of my fave songs so I thought I would throw in some lyrics cuz she likes that sort of thing."

thanks for the tips TH...I'll fix it up and re post if it is not too bad, or I'll just buy her a big stuffed animal and some flowers.