resident evil apocalypse

[dyeguy65]

sick movie. jill valentine was hot, alice is hot, they are both hardasses. im seein it a couple more times, and buyin when it comes to DVD...too much hotness to pass up. not to mention the black guy was effin funny as hell. "GTA mutha f****! 10 points.."

10/10. dont hate guys. you know you liked it. nemesis was hardcore.

*spoiler follows...i guess*





[COUGH] make way for RE:3 [/COUGH]

-DG

[BeaverEater]

I think it was a decent movie, there was definately better that came out this past summer. Some of the stunts were a little cheesy but most action movies now are like that.

[BlackWeenie]

i just got back from this movie. i thought it was much better than the first. the special effects were fairly decent, it was a pretty cool movie. its not supposed to be an oscar winning movie, which is probably why you guys didnt enjoy it. your expectations were way too high. its just a mindless action movie, and those can be good too.

[Ironmag]

i just got back from this movie. i thought it was much better than the first. the special effects were fairly decent, it was a pretty cool movie. its not supposed to be an oscar winning movie, which is probably why you guys didnt enjoy it. your expectations were way too high. its just a mindless action movie, and those can be good too.

Amen. Well said.

[Wc Keep]

one thing i didnt like since it was already said was there is going to be another one. they are straying too far away from the game now. you gotta stay true to some degree.

[Caffiend]

LOL, Jackel411, you BOUGHT that movie, wow. I'm impressed. Bunkerhugger was the one that rented it....he's not allowed to pick out movies anymore We actually watched a couple of parts more than once, just to make fun of them.

[Warewolf50]

I saw it last night thought it was entertaining. I mean there were plenty of parts of the movie that werent realistic, but i mean u are seein a freaking zombie movie, if u want realistic go away. The one part that really really bugged me was all the zombies coming out of the grave. That makes no sense, casue the t virus isnt airborne and if it was it woulda infected the main characters, and i dont think the people in the grave had been bitten. That jsut made me mad, but it led into a really cool fight scene witht he two chicks.

Valentine was sooo hot. She alone mad the movie worth seenig.



And i was wiht my girlfriend so during the parts that did suck, i had other forms of entertainment.

[BlackWeenie]

[QUOTE=Warewolf50]...The one part that really really bugged me was all the zombies coming out of the grave. That makes no sense, casue the t virus isnt airborne...QUOTE]

maybe the zombies bit the worms and then the worms bit the dead guys :). no but it showed one of the guys who used to be in a grave having worms come out of his head. so i guess the worms couldve been infected, then started eating the dead bodies... but who knows

[Rather]

For all those whining... SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! its at least better than the first....

And if you hate all of the stupidness of htis movie then heres an alternative for you....


Shaun of the dead

[Wc Keep]

yo shaun of the dead looks funny as all hell.

[Kai]

You people... Liked the movie?

Saying that "I guess you have to be a gamer to enjoy it" is absolutely retarded. I played the games, I loved the games. If anything, that makes me hate the movie more. I know how much potential movies based off of the Resident Evil storyline have. Potential ruined by awful directing.

Also, I love a good zombie flick. A GOOD zombie flick. There's a difference between GOOD, and Resident Evil: Apocolypse.

I've always said it... AO, in general, has awful taste in movies.

[Vash02]

Preach on Brother!

[dyeguy65]

we have yet to see Kai agree with anyone on AO

i never played every game...so i wouldnt know if it was following or not. i only played Code Veronica. i agree with Kai that claiming "you have to be a gamer to like it" is rediculous. the reason i liked it probably was because i WASNT paying attention to how the storyline panned out. Alice and Jill had my attention the whole time...so i wasnt paying attention to much more.

again...dont be hatin...

-DG

[quik]

Are you people insane? This movie was SO bad, completely horrible. My friend wrote up a review for it, and I think he summed up how much it sucked fairly well. SPOILERS ARE BELOW, NOT BIG ONES, BUT ITS A SYNAPSIS* FOR THE ENTIRE FILM.

*is synapsis a word?

Resident Evil: Apocalypse is arguably the single worst movie I have seen in the last year. Only the incongruously-named and utterly confusing Heath Ledger film from last year (The Order, which had absolutely nothing to do with either the words 'the' or 'order') can really rival the awfulness that is RE:A. I'm actually at something of a loss here, as I am seriously having trouble articulating my thoughts about the movie. It was both terrible and hilarious at the same time. The latter because of the former in most cases. As such, this review could well appear jumbled and unorganized. Well, let me assure you; so was Apocalypse. Except I paid money to witness that bout of confusion.

Almost every aspect of the movie after about ten minutes was jaw-droppingly bad. As a blanket statement, I never saw a firearm function correctly in the entirey of the movie's duration, Jill Valentine only demonstrated a modicum of firearms safety once in the whole film (for a grand total of four seconds, after which her finger went smartly back to the trigger of her Smith & Wesson--just in time for her to then hug a small child), and virtually all trained personnel aquit themselves like complete ametures and die, while useless people go on to survive against all odds. With that out of the way, I think I'll try for a synopsis of the movie.

The movie starts. We are then treated to a spinning computer image that undoubtedly costs a million and a half dollars with Alice's face on it. Alice then spends about six minutes summarizing the entirety of Resident Evil. It was as if the writers and director shoved what miniscule seconds of movie existed off the screen and leaned forward to scream how the current situation came to be.

After being beaten about the head and neck with a summation of RE, the movie cuts to a meteorologist doing the morning news. Scenes of people mowing lawns at six in the morning. Yes, that's normal. The camera pans down throught the earth (what appears to be about four feet), and witness the shockingly inept Umbrella employees re-open the terribly implausible Hive from the first movie. An 'infection meter' held by one of the hazmat-suit-clad fellows reveals that 'T-Virus Levels' were 'Increasing'. Everybody then dies, after the only armed members of the team wander blindly into the dark without using any flashlights (which appear routinely later in the film, I might add). Essentially, a horde of plot zombies that just so happened to be jelling right at the entrance to the Hive run amok, and presumably start spreading the virus throughout Raccoon City.

Cut to a series of fairly decent shots of Umbrella Inc. black Chevy Suburbans evacuating a number of important researchers from Raccoon. Apparently, these researchers are so important to Umbrella, that each and every one of them wasn't doing any research in the Hive when it turned into undead-central in the previous movie. Long story short, one of the scientists has a daughter and won't leave until she leaves. The Umbrella types assure him that 'it's been taken care of' as the camera cuts to scenes of suited Umbrella agents escorting the daughter into one of the black suburbans. After driving away from the school (this is important later), the Chevy gets t-boned by a cement truck. Apparently, the impact killed the two agent characters, but a twitching hand clues us in to the fact that the girl lived.

Cut to Jill Valentine, the best thing about the movie. She's aparently mad because she got dropped from the STARS team, but is still a police officer. Which is apparnelty supposed to justify the following scene. Jill walks matter-of-factly into Raccon City Police Department, and starts shooting people. Remember that the RPD have no idea that these are zombies. That said, the most I can remember any of the cops doing was ducking slightly as Jill pumped round after round into suspects awaiting questioning. To top all of this off, she then shoots at another suspect several times. You know, to take his handcuffs off. She them proclaims that "you need to shoot them in the head" and decides to leave town.

We're then treated to a computer graphic of a wall materializing around the city, and it seems that Umbrella has managed to wall off a city of over 100,000 people completely in the space of about eight hours. Umbrella is screening to let people out of the city, some guy dies near the gate, which prompts the Umbrella head-honcho to close off the place completely and then kill a bunch of people.

There's then a minute of Alice wandering around with a shotgun, finding a 'surpluss' store, dressing, and arming herself. Apparently, nickel-plated MP5K submachineguns are commonplace in such shops in the mountainous, forest-laiden, waterfall-o-rific American midwest.

At this point, Jill, Soon-to-Die-Cop, and Implausibly Alive Reporter have made their way to a church. They go inside. Dude With No Name pulls a revolver on them. They talk him down. Then, some indistinct sounds force the party to break up, as Dude With No Name runs off to get killed by lickers, and Jill scurries about the back rooms of the church. There, she finds a person sitting suspiciously in a chair, facing away from her. Jill Valentine then proceeds to walk up to this very obviously zombified person. A priest shows up, he seems to have been feeding this zombie--his sister--human body parts. That he was getting...from...somewhere... Jill kills him and the zombie sister after the zombie sister breaks free from her restrains.

Then, she wanders back into the church in search of her compatriots. They grab her from behind, startling the audience. Ah. Lickers attack. Shooting them is a combination of impossible, as they seem to move at the speed of sound, and ineffective, as they soak up bullets with no ill effects visible. As Soon-to-Die-Cop and Jill proclaim that they're out of ammunition (despite the fact that neither of their weapons are locked open!), it appears that only the intervention of a plot device can save the unlikely trio.

Huzzah! A plot device arrives! Alice, riding a motorcycle, crashes through the stained-glass window of the church. Which is about sixty feet off the ground. No explanation as to why Alice is driving into the church is forthcoming. No explanation as to how she got the bike that high off the ground is forthcoming.

A fight ensues. The lickers stop moving around like hummingbirds, allowing Alice to kill them with relative ease. Matrix-esque bullet time effects abound, and Alice's bullets are apparently better than Jill's and Soon-to-Die-Cop's. Jill succinctly asks Alice the question we've all been wanting an answer to: "How'd you know we were in grave danger?" Oh wait, no she didn't. It was "how'd you get sixty feet in the air?" Crap, wrong again! Instead, we're treated to "just who the **** are you?" Because that's the big question in my mind. Who is the main character of this movie, that's explained to us the plot of the prequel, and featured in a handful of scenes in this one, too?

Anyway, the camera cuts to the pimp that Jill "freed" (with bullets) earlier in the movie. He runs over a cop, yelling "GTA, mother****er!" Best. Scene. Ever. He then gets distracted by zombie strippers, in the most mixed signal in recent memory. On the one hand, they're really hot and mostly nude. On the other, they're zombies. At any rate, the pimp then crashes his truck.

As an aside, the pimp is the token black man. He serves as comic releif rather admirably, but by all rights should have died. A lot. It is painfully obvious that the only reason he survives is because there is only one other surviving ethnic minority in the movie.

Anyway, we're then introduced to a STARs sniper in a cowboy hat blasting zombies from the roof of a motel. This guy was probably more likable and enjoyable than all of the other characters put together save for Jill, who rocked for hotness reasons. As he blasts zombie after zombie, Token Black Man shows up on the scene. After saving Token Black Man from the stealthiest zombie ever (seriously, ninjas should be so quiet), Token Black Man is taken in by a dozen surviving STARS members.

Cut to Carlos Oliv(i)era, whose name was not spelled correctly in this movie at any point. In addition, his accent was more assumed than actually used. He and a pair of Umbrella mercenaries (UBCS members in Resident Evil 3: Nemesis) try to get an Umbrella chopper to rescue them. It drops off some big boxes instead. Carlos & Co. go to investigate the boxes, but one of their member predictably turns into a zombie, bites Carlos, and gets shot to death.

Cut back to Token Black Man with STARS members. The Nemesis shows up, walking slowly toward the STARS hideout and looking around with video game-esque HUD, which preposterously displays his ammunition, mission objectives, health, et cetera. STARS Sniper Cowboy tries to kill Nemesis by shooting him over and over again with a high-powered Accuracy International sniper rifle. Nemesis doesn't react at all. The Umbrella analysts controlling Nemesis describe the STARS as 'the best of the best'. They then watch as Nemesis blows up the sniper with a rocket launcher. They then watch as he walks ponderously toward their position. They then watch as he roars and hefts his ****ing minigun. Token Black Man throws out some one-liners. The allegedly elite STARS members then decide to 'deploy into defensive formation'. This consists of standing in a big group and shooting. Nemesis gets shot a lot. Then he hoses the building with the minigun, yells his infamous one-word line, and walks up to Token Black Man, who he magically didn't cut in half with his gatling gun, even though there are dead STARS members immediately next to and behind him. Token Black Man drops his guns. Nemesis leaves.

Cut to Jill, Soon-to-Die-Cop, Implausibly Alive Reporter, and Plot Device in a graveyard. Corpses spring from the ground in a cunning ambush. How these dead bodies came to be reanimated is a total mystery. As they have no live cells to serve as a host to the T-Virus, infection through those means can automatically be ruled out. And as the virus was no longer airborne, and... Well, let's just say that the scene makes no sense.

A fistfight with the zombies ensues. The main characters--without ever even trying to use their myriad firearms--kill dozens upon dozens of zombies in the space of a handful of seconds. This apparently equates to 'losing', so they run away. The plot apparently demanded that their fighting abilities would fail them at that moment, so they had to leave. They run afoul of the Nemesis, who shoots Soon-to-Die-Cop with the minigun, which should have reduced him to a hamburger-like streak on the highway but didn't. Jill and Implausibly Alive Reporter run off while Plot Device engages Nemesis in hand to hand combat. Nemesis chases Plot Device into a building and the loses interest in fighting her.

The other characters, having been asked by Wheelchair Researcher With a Daughter to find the daughter, go to the junior high. Which the daughter was apparently capable of walking about a mile back to after a near-fatal automobile accident.

Upon entering the building, Jill--supposedly a trained professional member of an elite paramilitary SWAT team--declares that the building is large. Therefore, the group must split up. Token Black Man, who had joined Jill and Implausibly Alive Reporter, volunteers to go with Implasibly Alive Reporter, who states that she's nver fired a gun before. Jill then walks her through the process step-by-step, explaining the placement and usage of all the safeties and other controls and functions of the weapon she handed to Implausibly Alive Reporter. And by that, I mean that she said, "there's nothing to it," and then walked off.

Token Black Man then proceeds to not go with Implasibly Alive Reporter, like he said he would. He runs into a zombie. It dies. He runs into one of Carlos' friends, Nicolae. He dies a little later.

Implasibly Alive Reporter stumbles accross a solitary little girl with her back predictably facing away from her. Implausibly Alive Reporter then--again--walks up to this very obvious zombie and is then terrified to learn that the little girl is a zombie. A pack of child zombies then materializes behind her. They attack her. Jill arrives. Child zombie pack is inexplicably gone, along with the corpse of Implausibly Alive Reporter. The Science Daughter appears from somewhere. Jill and Science Daughter make to leave. Dog zombies attack. Nicolae saves Jill and Science Daughter. Nicolae dies. Jill and Science Daughter try to blow up a kitchen to kill the zombie dogs. As Jill's offensive capabilities are intrinsically inferior to Plot Device's, the attempt fails. Plot Device then succeeds where Jill failed. Boom. Plot Device, Token Black Man, Carlos Oliv(i)era, Jill, and Science Daughter are all united. Science Daughter is carrying the anti-T-Virus serum for some reason. They give it to Carlos.

Wheelchair Researcher With Daughter informs them where their helicopter is--city hall, which is apparently a giant super-modern office building. The main characters go there. An Umbrella sniper sees the main characters, and is going to kill them with his hilarious 'lock-on' rifle (apparently, he needed to 'lock-on' to Carlos Oliv(i)era before he could shoot him. This is unusual, as this is the first time I've ever seen or heard of a rifle that was either capable of or required to 'lock-on'), but Plot Device appears behind him, on top of the ****ing sky-scraper. In the thirty seconds that it took her to get up there, she also apparently put on a rappelling harness and secured it to the roof, because she then proceeds to leap off the building and "run" down its outside walls. When I put run in quotation marks, I do so because her feet never touch the building. In essense, she's spastically thrashing her limbs about in a terrifying pantomime of actual running while falling down. Through the use of her plot device powers, she then gets the rope to tighten before she can impact the ground and ****ing die. Then she beats up a dozen or so Umbrella mercs. That have machineguns and apparently choose not to use them. One of their number goes as far as to bust out a knife instead of just hosing her with 5.56mm bullets.

The main characters then get into the helicopter. Plot Device has a momentary mental breakdown. Then, the sinsiter Umbrella honcho shows up. Apparently the Main Villian the summons Nemesis, captures the main characters, and forces Plot Device to fight the Nemesis by shooting Wheelchair Researcher With Daughter. Nemesis and Plot Deivce fight. Whereas previously, being shot hundreds of times proved totally ineffective, Plot Device manages to beat the crap out of Nemesis with punches and kicks. Nemesis grabs a metal fragment of some sort, and uses it as a club. It appears to be solid steel. Swinging it with sufficient force to shatter concrete, Nemesis' metal pole attacks are repeatedly blocked with Plot Device's forearms. Apparently the Main Villian produces a pair of ASP battons and throws them to Plot Device, who uses them in conjunction to a series of kicks to impail Nemesis on a Plot Spike. This appears to kill--or at least gerviously wound--the Nemesis.

It doesn't as his unrequitted love for Plot Device wins out in the end, as he picks up his weapons and turns them against Umbrella. Once again, bullets become totally useless against him, as wave after wave of Umbrella troopers shoot him repeatedly, only to be cut down by Nemesis' minigun. After all of the bad guys are nearly dead, Nemesis runs out of ammo, necessitating his hitting a few guys. Apparently the Main Villian calls for a nuclear strike to 'purge' the city of infection. Not only is it absurd enough that Umbrella operates its own fleet of fighter aircraft, but a stockpile of illegal weapons of mass destruction to boot! The main characters then watch the missile fly overhead. Meanwhile, Plot Device is running away from a pair of random Plot Helicopters that showed up. Nemesis blows them up with his rocked launcher while the lead chopper pilot is waiting for his gatling gun to 'lock-on'. It must've been made by the same company that produced that 'lock-on' sniper rifle or something.

The debris from the explosion kills the Nemesis, but only manages to knock over Plot Device. The main characters put her onto the helicopter, which is apparently being piloted by an Umbrella pilot and Token Black Man. They throw Apparently the Main Villian out of the chopper. When he lands, he grabs up a pistol from one of the countless dead henchmen and starts shooting zombies, which are now--for some reason--swarming City Hall. He kills several and then tries to turn the gun on himself, but for some preposterous reason, it won't fire. The inexplicably zombified Wheelchair Researcher With Daughter eats him.

Now fully daylight, the nuclear warhead finally decides to go off, after apparently flying around Raccoon City for at least an hour. The helicopter that the main characters on in takes damage, and a chunk of debris of nearly identical size and shape to the one that knocked Plot Device down after hitting her in the head impails and apparently kills her.

Cut to Umbrella chopper searching for the main characters. The city is clearly visible in the background, and most tall buildings still have skeletons standing after a nuclear warhead detonated right next to them.

The Umbrella people determine that Plot Device is still alive, and cannot find Science Daughter, Jill, Carlos Oliv(i)era, Token Black Man, or the pilot of the helicopter.

Cut to Plot Device in a tank several months later (naturally, in some super-duper-secret Umbrella lab somewhere). She gets out, remembers who she is, beats up a bunch of people, and then kills a man with her brain, after taking control of his television monitors. Apparently, the T-Virus turns you into a computer if it doesn't turn you into a zombie.

As a group of Umbrella henchmen with submachineguns are about to apprehend Plot Device, a black Suburban with poorly-disguised Calos Oliv(i)era, Jill, Token Black Man, and Science Daughter in it arrives to rescue her. Apparently the New Main Villian lets Plot Device & Co. go, and the camera pans back to a view from space. My guess was so that we can all contemplate the meaning of our insignificant little lives and determine if we want to commit suicide after having sat through more than an hour of Resident Evil: Apocalypse.



end of spoiler.

(yes my friend actually did write this)

[-=Squid=-]

I read the first paragraph to that review, noticed how many large words he improperly used in an attempt to sound smart, and decided it wasn't worth wasting the time to read.