"JOKE" Various "JOKE"

[tropical_fishy]

Where Slade is wearing women's clothing.

and it's the God-honest truth, I seen it!

[slade]

and it's the God-honest truth, I seen it!

!!! you bastard derek!

[Yogster]

You Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the
morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for
a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in
the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it
is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember, about three months ago when we
broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed
of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[SpitFire1299]

That swing one was Hilarious.

[Yogster]

Guys Rules

A guys has taken the
time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...
these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become
null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the
Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,
just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example,
is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't
want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as
sports, golf, or monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape.
Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

[thecavemankevin]

i've read those rules before, and they are oh so true. now i just need to work up the corrage to give them to my wife

[trevorjk]

i've read those rules before, and they are oh so true. now i just need to work up the corrage to give them to my wife

whats her email... ill do it for you

[thecavemankevin]

whats her email... ill do it for you

actually, i never thought about emailing them to her. Thats not a bad idea!

[Yogster]

Rednecks Drivers License Application

REDNECKS DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
=====================================
Last name: _____________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M _____F _____Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
[_] Grand Wizard/Dragon for the ensuing year.
Spouse's Name: ___________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ___________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: ___________________________
*Lover's Name: ___________________________
**2nd Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (check all that apply)
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4
Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194__

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No If no, please explain: ________
________________________________________


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you've been on Jerry Springer

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? __
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Copenhagen

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 2 miles
[_] 3 miles
[_] don't know



cracked me up the first time i saw it and it still does

[Yogster]

[SpecialBlend2786]

haha! thats great!

[Yogster]

Tickle Me Elmo

Tickle Me Elmo



There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle
Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the personnel manager's
door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The
Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men
march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"

[Yogster]

One of my fav's...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[ScatterPlot]

where do pirates keep their hooks?



on the end of their arrrrrrrms

[Yogster]

Blonde Joke

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, say ing, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money!

Enjoy
Yogster