"JOKE" Various "JOKE"

[bleachit]

"Make 'em all ugly again".

that guy....... is a genius.


I wonder if God sent him to hell after that.

[Glickman]

A gift to those who dont expecially like their in-laws


Joe, not enjoying the company of his in-laws, goes out to the backyard to escape for a little while. While he was pacing around, he saw something shining in the dirt, it was a lamp.

Curious, Joe rubbed it, and of course; out pops a genie.

"You have three wishes, but i must warn you, anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will recieve double"

Joe shivered at the idea of his mother-in-law being twice as happy as him but he figured he would give it a whirl anyway.

"I want 10 million dollars" said Joe.

As he saw the pile of money drop at his feet, 20 million dropped at his mother-in-laws feet.

"Now i want a huge mansion with 1,00,000 sq. feet" said Joe

Just as he asked, a huge 1,000,000 sq. foot mansion replaced his house, as did a 2,000,000 sq. foot mansion replaced his mother-in-law's.

"Now" he said to the genie.

"I want you to choke me half to death"

[slade]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

three guys are the sole survivors of a plane crash in the desert. they walk around for days, and eventually stumble upon a lamp half buried in the sand. the first guy picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. the genie says to them "normally i give anyone who finds this lamp three wishes, but since there are three of you i will grant each of you one wish. choose wisely." the first guy thinks for a moment and says "i wish i could be back in my hometown, in a bar with my girlfriend" *poof*! hes gone. the second guy immediately says, "and i wish i could be back in my bed with my wife!" *poof*! he disappears. the third guy thinks. and thinks. and thinks. he just doesnt know what to wish for. then he idly says to the genie, "gee, i wish i had those other two guys back here to help me think of what i should wish"

[grEnAlEins]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts"

[Team VeNoM]

Irish joke

An Irishman walks out of a bar!....
Lame yes i know but its better than class right

[Z-man]

So this baby seal walks into a club...



all time favorite.

[Yogster]

New Paintball Field

Since I have'nt posted for awhile thought I would up this

So here's another

A new field opened up, with a unique operating system. It was billed as "pay as you play", where the players didn't have to pay until they were finished for the day and they only payed for as long as they were playing. One player decided that this was a good way to get a free day of paintball. When he was done for the day, he told the field owner that he had forgotten his wallet at home and that he would pay the field owner, next time out.
"Sure," the field owner remarked, "I trust you, but to make sure I don't forget, I write your name on a board we've got in front of the sign in shack. I'll erase it when you've paid me"
"Everyone will see it," the player remarked, "and they'll think I'm a dead beat."
"Don't worry," the owner remarked, "once the staff hangs all your equipment on it, no one will see your name."

[Pneumagger]

So this baby seal walks into a club...


all time favorite.

[grEnAlEins]

What do old people smell like?














Depends

[91Foxtrot]

A serviceman is stationed in the Far East. After taking advantage of certain "services" offered by some local ladies, he finds himself afflicted with a particularly nasty STD. He goes to sick call and asks the doctor about it. The doctor examines his equipment and says says, "Sorry, there is nothing we can do, we are going to have to cut it off." This is obviously not what the serviceman wants to hear, so he goes to every doctor, nurse, medic and corpsman that he can find on post only to hear the same prognosis.

The next day, the serviceman wakes up and thinks, "Hold on a minute, this is an Asian STD, maybe the local doctors have a solution!" So he visits the most reputable doctor he can find and drops his drawers for him.

"You're not going to have to cut it off, are you Doc? All the Western doctors say they have to cut it off."

"Oh, those Western doctors! All they want to do is cut, cut, cut... Wait two weeks, it will fall off by itself."

[KKPASA]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in
Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

__________________________________________________ __________________

A father and his son are walking in the park when they see two dogs humping. The son asked his dad, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The dad, not wanting to have THE TALK yet said, "They're making puppies."
To the relief of the father the little boy seemed to accept the answer and didn't ask any more questions.
Later that evening the father and his wife are making love when the son enters the room and says,"Daddy what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad says,"We're making babies."
The son says,"Well roll mommy over I want a puppy."

[thecavemankevin]

old but good:

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Dark Side]

A father and his son are walking in the park when they see two dogs humping. The son asked his dad, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The dad, not wanting to have THE TALK yet said, "They're making puppies."
To the relief of the father the little boy seemed to accept the answer and didn't ask any more questions.
Later that evening the father and his wife are making love when the son enters the room and says,"Daddy what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad says,"We're making babies."
The son says,"Well roll mommy over I want a puppy."

[zipity_Bop]

man i don't really remember how this goes so I'll wing it

There are three guy's sitting at a bar. instead of waiting for a waitress to refill their pitcher one of the guy's volunteer's to get it filled at the bar... While the bartender is filling their pitcher they get to talking. And the guy asks the bartender what his day job is. The bartender says that he is a professor of deductive reasoning... The man looking extremely confused asked him what deductive reasoning was. The bartender says he will give him an example:

Bartender: You have an aquarium right
Guy: Yep
Bartender: So by using deductive reasoning I assume you like Fish..
Guy: Well, Yeah
Bartender: Alright if you like fish... you must like the beach
Guy: Yeah!!!! I love the beach
Bartender: Nice, well since you like the beach. I can deduce you like Girl's in bikini's...
Guy: I love *****es in Bikinis..... That's Amazing
Bartender: That's deductive reasoning

The guy walks back to his friends, Amazed from the example the Bartender just showed him. He tells his friends he just met the coolest guy..... And tells his friends about the bartender and his day job.. one of his friends ask "whats deductive reasoning?" and of course the guy's says I'll give you an example...

Guy: You have an aquarium right?
Friend: No.....?
Guy: ***

[zipity_Bop]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in
Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

__________________________________________________ __________________

A father and his son are walking in the park when they see two dogs humping. The son asked his dad, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The dad, not wanting to have THE TALK yet said, "They're making puppies."
To the relief of the father the little boy seemed to accept the answer and didn't ask any more questions.
Later that evening the father and his wife are making love when the son enters the room and says,"Daddy what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad says,"We're making babies."
The son says,"Well roll mommy over I want a puppy."

There's nude beaches in Tampa????

forget Clearwater