The Joke Of The Month Contest!!!

[mpsd]

So, I thought that it would be nice to have some motive to get some good laughes every month. Therefore, I decided to promote a JOTM (Joke Of The Month) contest here on AO.

The idea is to let each contestant write a good joke, either new or old, that would allow us to pick some of them and make a poll after each month and elect the AO Clown of the Month!

What do you guys think of it?

Now, for this to work well, we should have some rules and some prizes too.

So, as for prizes, I thought of getting a bunch of Clown noses (that's how we call it here in Brazil - probably the same thing in US), so here we go:

<a href="http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x299/mpsd18/random%20mags/DSC02145.jpg"><img src="http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x299/mpsd18/random%20mags/DSC02145.jpg" width="600" height="450"></img></a>

So, basically, we have enough for two full years of this contest

And that's what you guys will look as when wearing it, proudly, in shopping mall, during some paintball breaks or when barbecueing with friends:

<a href="http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x299/mpsd18/random%20mags/DSC02146.jpg"><img src="http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x299/mpsd18/random%20mags/DSC02146.jpg" width="600" height="450"></img></a>

Now, for rules, here's what we have:

1- Must be a written joke, not some graphics you got through e-mail or on the Internet
2- Each contestant will be allowed only one entry per month
3- No racist / hate jokes allowed what so ever
4- No text posts other than jokes allowed inside the current contest thread
5- Not exactly a rule but it would be nice if every Clown Of The Month posted a picture just like mine above... That would bring us even more laughes!

Hope you guys like the idea. Now lets see some good jokes!!!

[questionful]

This might be better heard than read but here it is:

Okay, so it's Brendan's birthday in a few days, and his girlfriend wants to get him something special. Something that would last forever. So she gets to thinking, what could she get him? She thought of paintball stuff. "Nah," she thought, "he'll just sell it the next week." She thought of a new mallet like Doc's. "Nah," she thought, "it'll end up getting him into jail for the assault and battery of some poor ignorant newbie" (naturally!). After many ideas, she finally arrived at a good one. She thought she'd tattoo their initials-- Brendan Bertha-- on her ***!! She really thinks he'll like this one, so she goes to the tattoo parlor the next day and tells the tattoo guy to put one B on each butt cheek. The guy does as he's told and sends her off with a big ole' "B B". So on his birthday, after a big party for Brendan, Bertha shows him his present. Brendan stares at it for a bit (so would you!), and says: "Who the heck is Bob??"

The end. Trust me, it was funnier the way it was told to me!

[CaptaiN_JacK]

You know you're an alcoholic when you walk into a bar and the bartender knows your name (and you've never even been to that bar before!).

/it's hard to deliver a punch line in text.

[CaptainMorgan13]

This one works great if you say it outloud. How do you get a fat girl into a thong... You take the f out of fat, and the f out of weigh... If you aren't getting it, then you aren't saying it outloud.


Captain

[punkncat]

Old man and old woman are laying in bed. The old man rips a huge fart. The wife looks at him and asks "What was that?"
The old man says "Fart football, that was a touchdown. 7 points I lead"

A few minutes later the lady rips off a good one "7 to 7 tie game"

The old man lets another one go in a few and leans over "14, 7 I am ahead"

The old lady works another good one up and replies " 14, 14 tie game"

They both lay there quietly for a few minutes when the old lady lets go a tiny squeaker. The old man asks "What was that?"
"Field goal, I lead 14, 17 " She replies.

Not to be outdone the old man leans into it and strains like crazy trying to get out another good fart. He pushes too hard and craps the bed.
The wife asks "What the hell was that?"

The answer, "Halftime, switch sides"

[Big'n slo]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to
change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a
nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was
in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then
he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from
school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were
understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they
asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies,
told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half
way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in
tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad
with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the
crap out of her, not once, but three times.

[Eatem Alive]

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

[Hexis]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You are a mean drunk Superman."

[Altimas]

Jerry the House Builder


A young man was walking along a Dirt Road when he came upon an older man sitting out on his porch.
" Come up here and let offer you some wisdom there boy!"
So the young man walked up and sat on the porch next to the old man.
"You see this house here lad? I built this house with my bare hands! It's beautiful inside and out! But do they call me Jerry the House Builder? NO!"
" You see that these beautiful chairs we are sitting in? I hand carved them MYSELF! But do they call me Jerry the Carpenter? NO!"
"You see that picket fence that goes around me yard here? Took 2 months of hand crafting! But do they call me Jerry the Fence Builder? NO!"


"BUT YOU SCREW ONE GOAT!!!"

[OneUp]

3 POW's were lined up to be executed.

First guy up, he heard "ready... aim..." then screams "TORNADO!"
Troops freak out, guy escapes.

Second guy up, he heard "ready... aim..." then screams "METEOR!"
Troops freak out, guy escapes.

Third guy up...
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he heard "ready... aim..." then screams "FIRE!"

[warpig13]

What do you call a fish without eyes?












A fsh.

Hardy har har

[koleah]

What does a fish say when he runs into a wall?






"DAM!"

[mpsd]

The leather corselet

Of course I won't be electible on my own poll but I HAD to share this one:

Three girlfriends, being one that was dating a guy, one enganged and the other married, were chatting about their relationships and how leather clothes could be sexy enough to raise the animal instincts of a man. So, then, they decided to give it a try and make something for their man.

The other night all three of them would test the sexyness and the power they could exercise over their man, using a leather corselet, a mask and a pair of high heel boots.

After a couple of days, they meet again to tell each other how it went.

The one that was only dating a guy related:
- That night, when my boyfriend came home and found me dressing that leather corselet, high heel boots and the maks over my eyes he looked at me in a different, strong way, and said:
- You're the women of my dreams and I love you!
Right after that, we made love all night long. That was absolutelly crazy!!

Then the engaged one told her version:
- Well, with me, that was very close. That night I went to my fiancee's office wearing the corselet, the high heel boots, the mask and... anything else!!!
I was just using a rain coat to cover my body on the street but the moment I entered the office and opened it, he looked at me without saying a single word. He was petrified... his eyes devouring me... Then, sudenly, he grabbed me in his arms and we had sex all night long! That leather stuff really sparked his animal instincts!

So, then, the married women told her story:
- That night I sent the kids to my parents home... Dressed just like we said with the leather corselet, the high heel boots and the mask over my eyes. Then I decided to make it even better so I put a new red lipstick and a new perfume I had never used before.
Then I remember a comment my husband did about how sexy he thought a small pair of panties could be so I just grabbed a new black one I had just bought. It was one of those models with laces on the sides, you know? I put the lace on a strategic point for him to see it!
When my husband arrove from his work, he opened the door and found me standing over the bed doing some poses and faces. He looked at me from the feet to my head and said:
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- Yo, Batman! What are we going to have tonigh for dinner?



PS: Sorry if it's not 100% well translated. I know I make some mistakes sometimes.

[wetwrks]

A teacher in Lafayette, Tennessee asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
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With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, well I guess that would make me an Obama fan

[mpsd]

Another good one - British Joke!

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He leaned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd
run by and she'd yell,
'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
Charles realized she'd
Bark her 150 offer and
Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, He
became even more
apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's
eyes as she
Watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get
For five pounds, you tight bastard?!'