PGoP Times Op.Ed.
"A State of Dismay"
01.08.04
Every state has it's good points and bad points. Arguments, strong ones, can be made favoring just about any one over another. Realizing this, the NJ sate government set out to correct that issue. In sending spies to the other 49 states, PR, Guam, and the District of Columbia, Jersey has successfully implemented just enough programs to settle the argument once and for all.
In a secret ballot vote done this AM in my office, Jersey was unanimously voted "Worst in the Union" by a final tally of one to zero. In an effort to avert countless phone calls, television and radio appearances, and an invitation to the state house, I've listed my reasons here... In no particular order.
- The Union Tolls -
Most of the questionably named Garden State Parkway is a decent road. That is of course until the express lane vanishes and you find yourself not on a highway, but at a series of closely packed drive though windows that cost 35 cents a piece and never hand out salt or catsup. The most daunting of these is the parking lot called the Union Toll plaza. Backed up for an average of 3 to 4 hundred miles, this plaza adds insult to injury when you finally make it though and realize traffic is still at a dead stop on the other side. After several hours the traffic mysteriously breaks up and you're back to a good clip. No off ramps to explain this phenomenon, just what I believe is one of two things; A state wide conspiracy to bore me into getting off the road and paying highway robbery prices for a Big Mac, Or... A local police force dedicated to pulling people over on the wrong side of the road derring rush hour.
- BK on the Parkway -
What happened to "have it your way"? How can I possibly have it my way in a pre-prepared buffet!? This mystery confounded me for awhile until I discovered that those people in the back standing in a circle and talking to one and other were in fact cleverly disguised BK employees. Unfortunately this does not help since they alternately ignore me or don't speak English well enough to understand the phrase "catsup only". At last the only solution is to take what they give you and the surgically remove the unwanted parts.
- No left turns -
Who's brilliant "protect me from myself" idea was this: "ooh ooh I've got it! Instead of letting people take one potentially dangerous left hand or U turn, we'll pave entirely to much property to create an elaborate series of right turns instead!" Sweet! Now I get to sit at the same set of lights up to three times just to turn around.
- Off Ramps with no on Ramps -
What! What in the holy hell do you mean I can't get back on the highway I just got off! This is to absurd to even merit a humorous quip.
- Auto Insurance -
First off, it's impossible to find anyone willing to ensure you if you've got a good driving record and pay your bills on time. As if that wasn't odd enough, when you do find one, they come back with quotes that would out cost your car in two years. Apparently the "Mature Driver" age for single males in this state is 30. At that point the cost drops by a whopping 1/3! Stop the freakin presses! one whole third! I will be maintaining my residence in MA enough to qualify for Auto Registration there. Just for Perspective, I pay less in a year in MA then just the down payment would have been in Jersey.
So I suppose all of my complaints are driving related. But you can't much enjoy a state this difficult to get around. In addition to all of this nonsense, getting into Jersey is free. Leaving costs 3 bucks.
"A State of Dismay"
01.08.04
Every state has it's good points and bad points. Arguments, strong ones, can be made favoring just about any one over another. Realizing this, the NJ sate government set out to correct that issue. In sending spies to the other 49 states, PR, Guam, and the District of Columbia, Jersey has successfully implemented just enough programs to settle the argument once and for all.
In a secret ballot vote done this AM in my office, Jersey was unanimously voted "Worst in the Union" by a final tally of one to zero. In an effort to avert countless phone calls, television and radio appearances, and an invitation to the state house, I've listed my reasons here... In no particular order.
- The Union Tolls -
Most of the questionably named Garden State Parkway is a decent road. That is of course until the express lane vanishes and you find yourself not on a highway, but at a series of closely packed drive though windows that cost 35 cents a piece and never hand out salt or catsup. The most daunting of these is the parking lot called the Union Toll plaza. Backed up for an average of 3 to 4 hundred miles, this plaza adds insult to injury when you finally make it though and realize traffic is still at a dead stop on the other side. After several hours the traffic mysteriously breaks up and you're back to a good clip. No off ramps to explain this phenomenon, just what I believe is one of two things; A state wide conspiracy to bore me into getting off the road and paying highway robbery prices for a Big Mac, Or... A local police force dedicated to pulling people over on the wrong side of the road derring rush hour.
- BK on the Parkway -
What happened to "have it your way"? How can I possibly have it my way in a pre-prepared buffet!? This mystery confounded me for awhile until I discovered that those people in the back standing in a circle and talking to one and other were in fact cleverly disguised BK employees. Unfortunately this does not help since they alternately ignore me or don't speak English well enough to understand the phrase "catsup only". At last the only solution is to take what they give you and the surgically remove the unwanted parts.
- No left turns -
Who's brilliant "protect me from myself" idea was this: "ooh ooh I've got it! Instead of letting people take one potentially dangerous left hand or U turn, we'll pave entirely to much property to create an elaborate series of right turns instead!" Sweet! Now I get to sit at the same set of lights up to three times just to turn around.
- Off Ramps with no on Ramps -
What! What in the holy hell do you mean I can't get back on the highway I just got off! This is to absurd to even merit a humorous quip.
- Auto Insurance -
First off, it's impossible to find anyone willing to ensure you if you've got a good driving record and pay your bills on time. As if that wasn't odd enough, when you do find one, they come back with quotes that would out cost your car in two years. Apparently the "Mature Driver" age for single males in this state is 30. At that point the cost drops by a whopping 1/3! Stop the freakin presses! one whole third! I will be maintaining my residence in MA enough to qualify for Auto Registration there. Just for Perspective, I pay less in a year in MA then just the down payment would have been in Jersey.
So I suppose all of my complaints are driving related. But you can't much enjoy a state this difficult to get around. In addition to all of this nonsense, getting into Jersey is free. Leaving costs 3 bucks.
To be quite honest, I have been to many states and many cities, NJ is my least favorite. That might be because I go to all the garden spots in the garden state, Newark and Camden
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