~~~~~ao's Official Joke Thread~~~~~

[Shdow]

4 Little Animals (RCS)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".
The teacher fainted.
------------------------------------------

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

Chapter 1:

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.

SIGNS OF WEAR

Chapter 2:

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says,"Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't need
to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[BobTheCow]

Brownie, are you TRYING to get yourself banned?? Delete that crap...

[fire1811]

What has 9 arms and sucks??????













Def Leapord

[Dryden]

In the course of praying, a man asked God, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"

God replied, "So that you would love them."

The man then asked, "But God, why did you also make them so stupid?"

God replied, "So that they would love you."

[Chipper]

Waaaaaaayyyyy not funny or appropriate. Watch it.


Ok, my bad, heres a rare Brunnette joke.....

Ok, this brunnette had had a really long day trying to catch her flight and as soon as she was on the plane she wanted to take nap. The only problem was that she was sitting next to this very hyper lawyer. The lawyer says to her "Wanna play a game? You ask me a question, and if I get it wrong then I will pay you $5 and vice versa.

But the brunnette says "No thanks, I'm really tired."

So the lawyer says, "Ok, lets make it interesting. You ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, then I will pay you $500."

This catches the brunnetes attention. She says "Ok, you go first."

So the lawyer asks her "What is the distance between the earth and the moon?"

The brunnette didn't know so she got out $5 and handed it to him. She asks him, "What goes up a hill with 2 legs and back down with 6?"

The lawyer doesn't know so he searches the web, calls all his friends, and look through his book of random facts (awsome book.) He doesn't know, so he gets out $500 and hands it to her and says "so what does?"



She gets out $5 and hands it to him.

[thecavemankevin]

dude, those baby jokes aren't even funny. who the hell thinks up lame crap like that?

[BobTheCow]

Big thank you to whichever mod got rid of Brownie's post!!

[thecavemankevin]

RESURRECTION TIME YOU OLD BASTARD!!!
lets get this thread going again.


A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

[Eatem Alive]

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

[lopxtc]

Testing their sense of humor ...

I am sure that many will find this to be the best joke AO.org has heard in a long time


Aaron

[thecavemankevin]

how do you castrate a priest?

Kick an alter boy in the jaw

[maglover728]

Having spent 8 years in the Navy, I have little to offer up to the forum without getting myself banned but:

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
The dishwasher has to match the stove and the fridge...

what do you do when the dishwasher breaks?
smack her on the butt and tell her "break's over!"

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. Sorry bout that one

[WicKeD_WaYz]

EDIT:OOPS ITS ALREADY BEEN POSTED ILL THINK SOME MORE AND RE-EDIT LATER.

[Lohman446]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one.........
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

[Lohman446]

In an effort to consolidate threads

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.