~~~~~ao's Official Joke Thread~~~~~

[Eatem Alive]

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and notices her husband isn't in bed with her so she starts looking for him, finally finding him sitting at the kitchen table witha cup of coffee, obviously deep in thought.

" Whats the matter dear? " she asks

" Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating when we were 16? " he replies

" Well of course I do " says the wife

" And do you remember when your father caught us making love in the back of the car when we were 16?" he asks, wiping a tear from his eye

" I remember it like yesterday " the wife replies

The husband wipes another tear " And do you rember when your father pointed the shotgun in my face and said that he'd make sure I got 20 years in jail if I didn't marry you?"

" Yes honey, I do" she says as she sits down next to him.

The husband finally breaks down...

" I WOULD HAVE GOT OUT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!"

[Lohman446]

Yes, I intend to keep this thread going

In ancient Greece(469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not Now let 's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife....

[Eatem Alive]

Know how to make your wife (girlfriend) scream & holler while making love?


Call her & tell her what you are doing!

[thecavemankevin]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain
to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They
were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this poi nt, they decided to try for 50%. The
husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.


When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[Eatem Alive]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a toy sized piano and an 10 inch piano man that was alive! The bartender says, "HOLY CRAP, that is the coolest thing ever! Where did you get that?" The man reaches in his other pocket and pulls out this old tarneshed lamp. He says, "I was walkin on the beech when I tripped over this lamp. It is a Genie's lamp." The bartender takes a look at it and turns away. All of the sudden there were ducks everywhere! The customer says, "What did you wish for?" The bartender says, "Man, I think this genie lamp is broke! I asked for a million bucks and all I got was a million ducks!" The man says, "That is ok, I got a 10 inch pianist."

[Hasty8]

What do you have when there are two little green balls in your hand?
Kermit' undivided attention.

What's long, green and smells like pork?
Kermits middle finger.


The next two could be considered inflammatory so if you are offended please let me know. Just so you can take things in context I am of Polish decent and come from a Jewish family. There is no bigotry in my words.

How do you make a million dollars in Poland?
Sell Cheerios as donut seeds.

What the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
Occasionaly, even a canoe can tip.


Now, one for the wimin-folk!

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

[TMAXXKING1]

Michael Jackson good ones

Q. what did the women say to Michael Jackson at the beach

A. get out of my son

Q. what does wal mart and Michael Jackson have in commin

A .they both have little boy's under wear 50% off

[Eatem Alive]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or New York but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."

[thecavemankevin]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."





Whats the difference between michael jackson and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until your thirteen.

[Lohman446]

Bad day at work

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a
radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week
I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately
at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my
job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a
suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is
quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment
sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take
the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the
hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized
what had happened The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and
pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed
the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make
three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my
brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me
to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put
the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was
swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love
my job".

[mike n ike 4588]

all my jokes suck but heres some movies

all of my jokes are horrible so heres a small site with some funny movies on em guarented to make anyone laugh

https://www.xbcustoms.com/movies

[thecavemankevin]

all of my jokes are horrible so heres a small site with some funny movies on em guarented to make anyone laugh
www.xbcustoms.com/movies

i want my 2 minutes back that i just wasted on that site

back to the jokes:

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Lee]

a man hears a knock on his front door. he opens it and looks down to see a snail.
he picks up the snail and tosses it into his flower bed.
two years later, this man hears a knock at his front door. he opens it and sees the snail.
the snail looks at him and says: " what was that all about?"


whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
one of them tastes like crap.


a midget psychic escapes from prison. headlines the next day read: "small medium at large."

[MarkM]

Some people are having a little trouble with this thread...keep the "joke" clean as per the thread starters directions.

My effort

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch and asked the waitress "before we order. could you please settle an arguement for us? Would you please pronounce where we are..very slowly?"
The waitress leaned over and said



































"Buuurrrr-guurrrr-kiinng.."

[snoogans]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!