Marriage questions??

[aaron_mag]

I'll be mushy...

First off I don't think it is 'love at first sight'. I think you realize it is time to get married when you realize you never want to say goodbye to the person you are dating. The very thought of it is painful. So painful it will take something like death to make you do it.

Either that or you realize you are getting balder and fatter and it is time to make a last ditch effort....

[KRAKMT]

Well, you just kinda know. Hard to explain. As for the rest, I'm going to take the advice my grandpa and my mentor's gave me on marriage.

I prefer the advice my grand father gave me " if your not in bed by 10:00, you might as well come home" or " always marry an ugly women so you won't care when she leaves." actual grandfatherisms.

An often-used quote when the ladies in the office are hounding me about marriage "marriage is a fine institution if you want to be in an institution."

Another mantra "more bitter than death is woman" used as a basis for a college paper years ago.

P.S. Same girlfriend for 7 years- very pretty just not so smart.

[RRfireblade]

Hmm.....

This is a tough one for me.I've been married for 10 years and been together for 14. My current opinion on the subject is that it is HIGHLY unlikely that many marriages will go on much longer than that.

Most people constantly change and evolve over time.The odds of 2 different people continuing to go in the same direction consistantly over a long period of time have to be extremly small or less than that.

What you ultimately end up is with either a daily co-existance not unlike that of long term roomates or the dreaded 'D' word.....divorce.It may be possible to 'tolerate' and/or have 'friendship' for extended lengths of time but I don't feel that "in love" can be continually sustained.If your one those people that need that 'in love' feeling.......your more often than not,going to be in trouble.

Man....that sounds depressing.

Unfortunatley that's what I believe. The few marriages I see together much longer than mine are all in the former catagory.Basically friends held together by the bonds of a long term relationship,past experiences,memories of the way things used to be and simply content to go on in that fashion.

I doubt that will be me.

That ought to bring down the whole mood.

Sorry 'bout that.

[Muzikman]

I have not read through all the posts...but you know you are ready when you knock her up.

[paintballrulzs]

I always thought that if a girl told me she wanted to marry me I would get freaked out. But when my girlfriend told me it put a smile on my face. I just get worried that I am going to college an hr and a half away next year. I know it will be tough I just hope that everything works out.

[Lohman446]

People dont stay in love all the time forever, thats where marriage comes in. Petty fights become hard to "break up" over and normally people fall back in love, if you beleive in that type of thing.

However, you hav situations where affairs are ok, and divorce is seen as easy. Some women see child support as an income.. etc.

Can you tell Im bitter, marriages lasting five years, as stated above, are norm. btw, child support is not a good source of income when the husband gets custody

[Tunaman]

They say that "Love is Blind",...and "Marriage is a great Institution".
Who the hell would want to live in an "Institution for the Blind!!!!!!?

[aaron_mag]

Hmm.....

This is a tough one for me.I've been married for 10 years and been together for 14. My current opinion on the subject is that it is HIGHLY unlikely that many marriages will go on much longer than that.

Most people constantly change and evolve over time.The odds of 2 different people continuing to go in the same direction consistantly over a long period of time have to be extremly small or less than that.

What you ultimately end up is with either a daily co-existance not unlike that of long term roomates or the dreaded 'D' word.....divorce.It may be possible to 'tolerate' and/or have 'friendship' for extended lengths of time but I don't feel that "in love" can be continually sustained.If your one those people that need that 'in love' feeling.......your more often than not,going to be in trouble.

Man....that sounds depressing.

Unfortunatley that's what I believe. The few marriages I see together much longer than mine are all in the former catagory.Basically friends held together by the bonds of a long term relationship,past experiences,memories of the way things used to be and simply content to go on in that fashion.

I doubt that will be me.

That ought to bring down the whole mood.

Sorry 'bout that.

And what the heck is wrong with a marriage becoming more about the shared time together, shared experiences, shared trials, etc, rather than about romantic lust? I ask for discussion only. I'm not flaming you.

I think you are right in you assessment above. But you only bring it out as a negative, not the positives. Yes...you grow differently. But alot of the same experiences shape you. Very few of us go through life in a constant state of normalness. There are days of tragedy...even if it is only the day you have to face your own parents/relatives/friends deaths. There are days of joy. Suffering/enjoying these things together give you a history. I suppose the romantic ideal changes into companionship. That isn't a failed romance, but a maturing relationship.

Do I walk around, see women, and say, "Wow. That woman is HOT!!!"? Of course. But another part of me is always there in the background. Piping it through my head that they don't provide that deep feeling of shared experiences...

[RRfireblade]

And what the heck is wrong with a marriage becoming more about the shared time together, shared experiences, shared trials, etc, rather than about romantic lust? I ask for discussion only. I'm not flaming you.

You can flame if you like,I'm tough.

For some people I suppose, having a 'roomate' that you share history with is enough I guess. I'm not sure that it is for me though.I find that more often than not, I am forced to find others with interests similar to mine,to spend time with and do things I enjoy with.With that constant physical seperation,emotional seperation will soon follow.

It didn't used to be like that,not at all.I or we,used to greatly prefer each other for daily activities,hobbies,personal interests or just spending time together, but as time goes on,thats becoming less and less the case as are 'interests' and goals in life develop and change over time.

Without sounding like a 'wuss', I used to greatly anticipate the time we shared together and would feel empty when we were apart.Now.......eh.......not so much. And in response to the 'lust' comment,you bet your fat.......'you know'......that "romance,love and lust" are a major factor in a relationship long term or not and very well should be IMO.Add the loss of that to the rest and what do you have left?

Anyway......that's my feeling and my current position. I guess it may be hard to understand till your with the same person for what will be 15 years or more.

I do hope that there are those who can stay happy forever,I'm sure there must be some,but it is far for the norm and I just think that you need to be realistic about it and be prepared for what ever comes your way.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

[aaron_mag]

You can flame if you like,I'm tough.

Without sounding like a 'wuss', I used to greatly anticipate the time we shared together and would feel empty when we were apart.Now.......eh.......not so much. And in response to the 'lust' comment,you bet your fat.......'you know'......that "romance,love and lust" are a major factor in a relationship long term or not and very well should be IMO.Add the loss of that to the rest and what do you have left?

Anyway......that's my feeling and my current position. I guess it may be hard to understand till your with the same person for what will be 15 years or more.

I do hope that there are those who can stay happy forever,I'm sure there must be some,but it is far for the norm and I just think that you need to be realistic about it and be prepared for what ever comes your way.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Not arguing really. Just discussing. Because it is an interesting concept/cultural thing...is it not?

I've been with my wife for 10 years. She doesn't like paintball much. She'll play it a couple times a year. Actually does pretty good at it. Shoots both me and my brother a couple times on those days. Uses about 100 balls total the entire day (she hides alot).

Doesn't like my other hobbies too much either. To her they are 'silly'. And to be perfectly honest I don't like the things she likes. I can't stand discussing home decor for hours. My eyes glaze over very quickly. I don't like driving around the neighborhood and going to open houses and estate sales either (yawn).

But lets face it. Women and men have had different pasttimes since the beginning of time. That is why you have paintball buddies, etc to do your hobbies with. It doesn't effect the emotional bonds between husband and wife (my opinion)

[RRfireblade]

Not arguing really.

I know.

I guess it may have to do with how you started out then maybe?

In the begining we did EVERYTHING together.Played softball,tennis,archery,cycling,bowling,travelled. .....on and on.She was my best friend by far.We still had a few different interests but at that time,it was a welcome break from time to time.

Now.....she has really no interest in any of it.She won't come watch(as she used to some times),she won't participate and she'e often upset that 'I' will do the same stuff that we used to do together.......with out her now.She's regularly upset and stressed out over work and other things so even our home time is......uhm.......not full filling.

Plus there are other things,typical rellationship issues and stuff but man does it all add up fast.

Maybe it's just me,IDK.

[Trigger_Happy]

I am not married. This advice comes from a guy I know who has been for 15+ years.
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Men and women score differently. Yup, that's the big secret that you have to know in order to have a healthy relationship.

Women score more points for more effort. If she packs you lunch, she gets a point. If she sets up a weekend in Mexico, she gets 60 points.

Men score one point at a time. You pack her lunch, it's one point. You set up that weekend, it's one point. You buy her the house she's always dreamed of, that cute dog she played with at the store, and then spend the evening reading women's magazines, it's STILL only one point.

Men assume they get more points for bigger stuff, and when they don't get those points, the marriage goes downhill. Without frequent, small things, women feel neglected and begin neglecting in return.
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RRfireblade- I respect your sense of realism about marriage and your feelings, but have you spoken to your wife about this? That's a blunt conversation, but divorce papers are blunt too. It seems it'd be well worth at least trying to bring the marriage back to what it used to be if you have the ability.

Not that I plan to offer marriage counseling over the internet from my VAST knowledge of marriage I'll shut up now. :o

[RRfireblade]

RRfireblade- I respect your sense of realism about marriage and your feelings, but have you spoken to your wife about this? That's a blunt conversation, but divorce papers are blunt too. It seems it'd be well worth at least trying to bring the marriage back to what it used to be if you have the ability.

I have and we are trying.....somewhat. We are currently seperated however, but we do see each other every weekend and sometimes during the week.Unfortunately she's also been diagnosed manic depressive so that does add to the other fun and games.

Who knows.......I guess only time will tell.