This is sad but turning to AO for help....

[hAppy]

me being a 11th grader, i cant be that smart, but i been around younger kids long enough to understand

shes a 6th grader, a fresh middle schooler, middle schoolers tend to follow trends and be "cool". if her friends are influencing her to be failures to be cool, she will soon turn to drugs to be cool.

the only thing you can do is convince her to clean up her attitude. you cant force her to do what you want, you can only show her why you want it. explain to her that her attitude now will reflect her future.

bums are dropouts and quitters. uneducated people live a life like druggies. you can only explain that to her. good luck

edit: bribes and awards turn people dependent, and than spoiled. you tell her she gets an A and she will get a car, she will probably expect a treat for every positive thing she does for the rest of her life.

[slateman]

Congrats punkncat!! Your days of of easy parenting are officially over. You thought the past 11 years were tough? You ain't seen nothin yet.

I hate to sound draconian but you gotta come down hard on her. Like start- using-a-belt hard. But at the same time you gotta make sure she knows that you love her. Its tough. I know, I was that kid (just a little later than her - 16).

Before you do anything, you need to try and find out what's wrong. Is it the school? The kids? Hormones?

Being nosey is normal (especially with girls for some reason). I was always curious about others because I wanted to know ho I measured up. I, however, stopped when I got my block knocked off. Your daughter may always be too nosey for her own good, because few people are willing to smack around a girl (nor should they be).

She's gonna have to learn to accept responsibilty. Talk with the school and see if it would be possible to repeat 6th grade this summer. If not, find a way. When she gets home, she doesn her homework right away. A quick trip to the bathroom and then she sits down at the kitchen table to do it. Thirsty? She can drink there. Hungry? Its not dinner time yet? Tired? Fine, you can got to bed. After your homework is done.

After homework, its time for chores. No TV, no music. After her chores are done, she can read in bed until she falls asleep.

As she gets better, you can lighten up the restrictions. Like let her listen to music while doing math or something like that.

Now, when she does well you gotta jump on that too. Encourage her, maybe let her watch TV that evening. Or go out to eat and let her pick the place.

THe important thing is to "nip this thing in the bud" (hows that for Dr. Phil ). If you let her continue her rebeliious nature (and thats what it is) it will only lead to worse. Like other irresponsible behaviors. Things like underage drinking, drug use, and crime. I know this because its what happened to me. And don't forget about pregnancy. I know you don't wanna think about it but she's a girl. It could happen.

[hitech]

How to motivate a child? That is a difficult question. The problem is, what works for one child won't work for another. It may even make things worse. You're going to have to have to find a way to get through to her.

I'm in the same situation now, he is 10 and it's not nearly as "bad". Some of the problems we are facing are a biological dad that lets him do whatever he wants and his "addiction" to video games. We have found that not allowing video game playing during the week helps. He was apparently having trouble focusing on school as all he could think of was the games. Haven't found a good answer for bio-dads influence.

Some ideas. Can you talk with her? Ask her what might motivate her. Ask her if (and if so, why) she thinks she should be allowed to decide what she wants to do. Explain why she can't. Try to find out the real reason. That is the key. You might just stumble on it by trying different things. You might find it by talking to her. You might find it if you review her "life".

In any case, good luck on finding your answers.

[punkncat]

Congrats punkncat!! Your days of of easy parenting are officially over. You thought the past 11 years were tough? You ain't seen nothin yet.

I hate to sound draconian but you gotta come down hard on her. Like start- using-a-belt hard. But at the same time you gotta make sure she knows that you love her. Its tough. I know, I was that kid (just a little later than her - 16).

Before you do anything, you need to try and find out what's wrong. Is it the school? The kids? Hormones?

Being nosey is normal (especially with girls for some reason). I was always curious about others because I wanted to know ho I measured up. I, however, stopped when I got my block knocked off. Your daughter may always be too nosey for her own good, because few people are willing to smack around a girl (nor should they be).

She's gonna have to learn to accept responsibilty. Talk with the school and see if it would be possible to repeat 6th grade this summer. If not, find a way. When she gets home, she doesn her homework right away. A quick trip to the bathroom and then she sits down at the kitchen table to do it. Thirsty? She can drink there. Hungry? Its not dinner time yet? Tired? Fine, you can got to bed. After your homework is done.

After homework, its time for chores. No TV, no music. After her chores are done, she can read in bed until she falls asleep.

As she gets better, you can lighten up the restrictions. Like let her listen to music while doing math or something like that.

Now, when she does well you gotta jump on that too. Encourage her, maybe let her watch TV that evening. Or go out to eat and let her pick the place.

THe important thing is to "nip this thing in the bud" (hows that for Dr. Phil ). If you let her continue her rebeliious nature (and thats what it is) it will only lead to worse. Like other irresponsible behaviors. Things like underage drinking, drug use, and crime. I know this because its what happened to me. And don't forget about pregnancy. I know you don't wanna think about it but she's a girl. It could happen.

I appreciate everything you said. But I want to say again , we have tried all that. I know where this behavior is leading. We have discussed the consequece of her actions with her until we are blue in the face.
I wish that I knew the root cause of all this. I personally feel it has to do with hormanes and social problems with her peers. But every kid her age is facing the same thing , and they aren't all failures too.

[cphilip]

Get her to a doctor. Depression is my guess. No its not just feeling sad. Its early for her but its nothing to mess around with. Contact me. I got some things to tell you in private...

[RoadDawg]

First off I'll say that I'm not a father so my advice may not be from a parental view. I was once like this. Didn't care about school in general and my grades showed. It wasn't tough enough so I didn't try for the A's. My advice is communicate with your daughter. Listen to what she has to say and go from there. I know that when I was in school no one listened too what I had to say, even though my parents were 100% behind me. Also it could be peer pressure. She could be trying to look like the "renegade" and not the goody goody girl. Express yourselves to her and allow her to do the same back. Then proceed accordingly. It's a easy road to go down but it's tough to make a turn and get off.

[Ov3rmind]

Wow, that is quite a predicament. Essentially, she has apathy for everything in her life except her friends? This may be a bit of a stretch, but do you think she might be able to be home schooled?

Oh yes, and this isn't coming from a parent. I'm only 17, but I figure any input could be helpful at that point.

[tony3]

You should take my advice, hell I'm 15 so I'm always right, right?

Maybe her friends are infulencing her, like someone said. Maybe, you could send her to a different school next year, possibly a private school with more discipline?

I agree with whoever said that if I get anything taken away, like computer or paintball which doesn't happen that much, but if it does, I just do even worse to spite my parents. I'm glad I don't have to try but can still make honors.

[hitech]

I wish that I knew the root cause of all this. I personally feel it has to do with hormones and social problems with her peers. But every kid her age is facing the same thing , and they aren't all failures too.

Every person deals with life differently. Social problems may be crushing her, where the same problems wouldn't even be problems for another. You can't dismiss something if it is very important to her. It will likely make it worse.

We have discussed the consequences of her actions with her until we are blue in the face.

Try talking with her. Telling her hasn't worked. Try letting/getting her talk. If you can get her to talk to you, you might find that root cause.

Good luck.

[ShooterJM]

Out of curiousity are you planning on having her repeat the grade or will the school still advance her to 7th grade regardless?

[cphilip]

this kid is suffering depression. I bet my Admin status on it. Early but still. Not unprecedented and possibly transient for now. This is classic depression I think. She has no idea why she does not care. She cares about others more than herself because their problems are solvable to her and hers she does not even know what they are. So she occupies herself with their problems and solving them She lies because its easier than just saying she has no idea why she does it to herself. I heard all this before. Uncanny really.

I don't care how many doctors you gotta go to. Go... Its treatable. It needs to be treated. It will be....

Keep the faith.

[Muzikman]

Few things...and one is going to sound wrong. You obviously have a summer to work on these issues as you stated she will already have to repeat 6th.

1. Private school. It's not cheap, but I have seen it work for some of the most non-motivated kids.

2. Buy her a diary and then READ IT. This sounds wrong, but I bet you will learn alot more about her this way then she would be willing to give out verbaly.

3. Shrink. Now, I know you already said you have taken her to Dr's etc...but keep at it. There is obviously something they are missing. My brother had ADD (which I am not sure actually exists) and he spent years going and talking to Dr's. In the end it helped him and he was never on any type of medication.

Now, I am 27 and have no kids...I just know what friends have done and tried with their kids.

[Bluestrike_2]

Ok, this is going to sound a bit assanine. Yet it will work.

GET HER OFF HER BUTT AND MAKE HER RUN!

Go running with her. Take her for runs around the neighborhood. Get her to run. Up mileage to oh, say, mmm 15 miles per week at NO more than a 10% increase/week. Find a local run that is HARD, like Magnolia Road or Flagstaff(Never ran 'em, they're in Boulder - [url]http://we
b, too. Take her up it after about one month of upping mileage to 10-15 MPW. The pain should be excruciating. Both physically and mentally. If she must walk, then by all means, walk. After about 3-4 minutes of walking, start running yet again. If need be, have her listen to an MP3 player during the run. I made a song in Garageband that I think will be very good for this application. AAC audio file. Please send me a PM. I just made it, so hopefully it will work. A problem or two though. Also, download the "Air" theme song for the Air roller coaster at Alton Towers in England. http://www.towerstimes.co.uk/interact/music.htm Don't worry, it's legal. The Air theme song is a smooth flowing song that is rather inspirational. Again, PM me. Please!

When you reach the very end, turn around. For you, shorten your stride. Don't tell her too though. This will put her through even more pain. If she wants to quit, do anything to help her get over that hump. You won't be in very much pain if your stride is shortened on the way back down, but she will.

After you reach a certain point of pain, nothing else exists in your mind. You concentrate on the run, but, start to reflect on life at the same time. Hopefully this will knock some sense into her. Just remember to keep it up. Hopefully you can make her love to run. Then, for 7th grade, have her do Track and Cross Country. If you can, have her run distance events in track. BTW, Middle School Cross Country(XC) is usually about 1.5 miles.

Before ANY of this, purchase the movie "PREFONTAINE" at Best Buy on that bargain shelf usually for $5.99. Best 7 dollars ever spent. That movie is so inspirational. After watching it, at midnight, I went out and did a nice easy 3 miles. Have her read "Once a Runner" by John Parker. Very good book! After reading, so inspirational, I did a 10 miler on what was supposed to be an easy day. Once a Runner is not sold at the book stores, so get it from the Barnes and Noble/Borders/Amazon websites. Or have your local store order it for you.

Running can do a lot. Hopefully it can help your situation. Another thing, it is probably the best sport one can be in for HS. There is one team, varsity, so you all can letter(for XC).

It's just that, well, it takes more work than any other sport out there. The football players laugh and snicker at us, running *gasp* miles! Yet, when we all run down to the Dairy Queen( 2 miles)and back, they're jealous.... It does more for one physically and mentally than one could imagine.

Also, look into some recreational running clubs in your area. I know our XC runs at them as a camp 3 times a week until August during the summer. Just remember, run every single day. Good luck and I hope that you can do something to fix this.

[vf-xx]

Ok, well my little sister went through similar stuff at about the same age. Parent's got her Paxil for a while and now she's better. Don't completely understand it myself, but that was just when I was starting college too.

Also My friend's brother was becoming self destructive in a similar fashion. Now he is in a reform school in Montana somewhere. I hear that the going is tough, but it's going well. They have a draconian privelage policy, however they help make the kids responsible in that thier peers are involved in setting privelage levels.

If you want more info on that PM me and I'll get the name and school info from my friend.

[Digits]

yall need to look at the simple solution here..

Just beat her..

jks

pfft.. Who knows.. No offense but I doubt theres much you can do.. I have cousins that act like this and there 17.. Maybe she will grow out of it though.. I was a little hell raiser when I was a young one.. But eventually I grew out of it and i'm probablly more mature than 90% of the people in my school..