~ao's Official Joke Thread~

**Buff** · 05-10-2004, 07:21 PM

Irish Toast John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said:

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary:

"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said:

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said: "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said:"Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

**DJBacon06** · 05-10-2004, 07:58 PM

what's green and goes "slam, slam, slam, slam?"

---a four door pickle!!

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

---"HEY! WHERE"S MY TRACTOR??"

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "HEY! we don't serve mushrooms here!"
and the mushroom says, "Well why not? I'm a fungi!"

a piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey! we don't serve string here!"
So the string walks out into the praking lot and messes himself up and ties himself up and then walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey! didn't i already tell you that we don't serve string here?"
and the string says, "I'm afraid not!"

HAHAHA I AM SO FUNNY!!!!

**penguinpunk555** · 05-10-2004, 08:03 PM

Never post again. PLEASE!

**BobTheCow** · 05-10-2004, 08:14 PM

Yep, ya'll did it to yourself, here's yet ANOTHER repost of my pink guy joke.

So there's this guy. He absolutely LOVES pink. He lives in a pink house with pink shudders and a pink door, pink stairs, pink EVERYTHING. So one night after watching his pink TV, he goes up his pink stairs to his pink bathroom, brushes his pink teeth, walks down his pink hall, opens his pink door, goes into his pink room, gets into his pink room, and dreams pink dreams.
After a little while, the doorbell rings and wakes him up. So he gets out of his pink bed, walks down his pink hall, down the pink stairs, and opens the pink door. There's a guy standing there, he said his car just broke down, he's wondering if he can spend the night with the pink guy and call a tow truck in the morning. So the pink guy agress, and lets him in.
They close the pink door, go up the pink stairs, down the pink hall, and come to a red door. The pink-freak explains everything the guy needs is in there, and they say good-night. so the pink-freak closes the red door, walks down the pink hall, opens his pink door, gets into his pink bed, and dreams pink dreams.
A little while later, the doorbell rings again and wakes up the pink-freak. So he gets out of his pink bed, walks down the pink hall, goes down the pink stairs, opens the pink door, and there's another guy standing there, same story as the first guy. So he lets him in, closes the pink door, leads him up the pink stairs, down the pink hall, and comes to a blue door. The pink-freak explains that everything he needs is in that room, and they say good-night. The pink-freak walks down the pink hall, goes into his pink room, gets into his pink bed, and dreams pink dreams.
So a little while later, the doorbell wakes up the pink-freak for a THIRD time. He gets out of his pink bed, walks down his pink hall, goes down the pink stairs, opens the pink door, and there's a third guy, same story as the other two. So he lets him in, closes the pink door, leads him up the pink stairs, down the pink hall, and up to a blue door, and says that everything the guy needs is in there. They say good-night, and the pink-freak walked down the pink hall, opened his pink door, got into his pink bed, and dreamed pink dreams.
The next morning rolls around, the pink-freak gets out of his pink bed, puts on his pink slippers, walks down his pink door, and opens up the red, green, and blue doors, and wakes up the guys, lets them know that he'll serve breakfast. So the four of them walk down the pink hall, down the pink stairs, and into the pink kitchen. The pink-freak sits them down in pink chairs at the pink table, and gets out four pink bowls. He gets out a box of cheerios and a box of wheaties. He pours himself a box of cheerios. He asks the next guy, and he picks cheerios. He asks the third guy, and he says cheerios. The pink-freak asks the fourth guy, who wants wheaties. So the pink-freak puts away the cheerios and pours the fourth guy a pink bowl of wheaties.
<i>The moral of the story: 3 out of 4 people prefer cheerios.</i>

I'll be here all week...

**TraXeR** · 05-10-2004, 08:46 PM

Some of these are harsh and rude, read at your discretion.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller Drive?
-She was a woman.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
-The mosquito stops sucking if you smack it.

Why do blondes have Y-Shaped coffins?
-As soon as they are on their backs, the legs pop open.

How can you tell a blonde used your computer?
-White out on the screen, joystick is sticky

Why do blondes wear panties?
-Blondes wear panties?

Why do blondes wear underwear?
-To keep their ankles warm.

How did the blonde pass through security?
-She blowed on the wrong breathlizer tube.

What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
-They are disigned for kids, but the dad's end up playing with them.

How do you get a blonde in bed?
-Take her to the other end of the chain. (That one is gonna get me hurt, no offense girls)

Why do girls have bruises around their belly button?
-Blonde guys aren't to bright either

**kauai_paintball** · 05-11-2004, 02:27 AM

Hehehehe, I got some more, post stuff guys, come on! Ill put together the mother of all posts full of stuff I got.

**Buff** · 05-11-2004, 10:55 AM

okay, if no one will, i have another one.

Old George
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"

George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

**Buff** · 05-11-2004, 10:56 AM

how about this?

when does Michael Jackson go to bed?

When the big hand touchs the little hand............

**TraXeR** · 05-11-2004, 10:58 AM

bad dum ching!

That was good, I must say.

**Buff** · 05-11-2004, 10:59 AM

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".

This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Unh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... a power outage? Aha, okay... we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

poor tech guy was fired

**Buff** · 05-11-2004, 11:03 AM

**Buff** · 05-11-2004, 11:15 AM

oops

hmmmmmmm
pics wont link

so hears another funny one

The Beer Drinker's Warm-up Song

DOUGH... the stuff, that buys me beer
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer
ME...... the one, who drinks the beer
FAR..... a long way to the beer
SO...... I'll have another beer
LA...... La la la la la beer
TEA...... no thanks, I'm drinking beer

That will leave me with no DOUGH.....

**Target Practice** · 05-11-2004, 11:18 AM

The physicists in the crowd will appreciate these....

Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding--

Heisenberg: "Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: "I pulled you over for speeding. Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

Q: Why don't electrons have mass?
...
A: Because they're not Catholic.

**Buff** · 05-11-2004, 11:22 AM

"Hey did you know I had Polio when I was a kid?"

Them "really???"

"Yeah, I still got a scar from it..... One of my legs is shorter than the other 2"

er,uhm, no, ah, YES!!

~ao's Official Joke Thread~