~~~~~ao's Official Joke Thread~~~~~

[Target Practice]

Here are a few that have been floating around the Math department...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food washes onto the beach. The engineer and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."


A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting frustrated trying to keep the top of the tape at the top of the pole: It kept falling down. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

And my personal favorite...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is pi ?"
The engineer said: "It is approximately 3 and 1/7"
The physicist said: "It is 3.1415926"
The mathematician thought a bit, and replied "It is equal to pi".

[Chris42050]

What school is Michael Jacksons favorite?
Bringum Young.


A guy with no arms applies for the Bell ringing job at a church. The Priest says "how can you ring our bell, you cant pull on the rope". The armless man says "I'll show you". They climb up the long staricase to the top of the church. The armless man takes a flying leap at the bell and hits it with his head. The bell goes "Dong". The preist horrified says "please don't do that again". The armless guy says"no, look I can do it even better". He takes another flying leap and hits the bell again. Even louder this time it goes "DONG". The mans forehead is now bleeding. The priest says "please stop". The armless man says "Dont worry". He takes another flying leap at the bell but the blood is got into his eyes and he cant see and flies out the window of the tower. The priest takes the long staircase down to the bottom. There is a crowd by the dead man and the police are there. The policeman says "do you know this man" to the priest. The priest says "no, but his face rings a bell". He he he.

[DJBacon06]

Little Jennifer was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor Teena peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, she politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jennifer?" "My goldfish died," replied Jennifer tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him." Teena was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Jennifer patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat!!"

[Buff]

So this dude drives up to mickeyD's, and says,
"I'll have a Supersize Michael Jackson, coke, no onions".

the worker is confused and askes, "whats a michael jackson?"

"U dont know?" says the dude, "40 year old meat between 6 year old buns....."

[Buff]

A little boy was sitting in tub getting a bath by his mother. Looking down he grabs himself and says "mom is this my brain?"

replies the mother, "not yet dear"

[WicKeD_WaYz]

How would Hellen Keller's parents punish her?



















Rearrange the furniture.

[elpimpo]

did you guys hear about that new pirate movie thats cooming out?


it's rated rrrrrrrrrrrrr <(pirate voice)

[Shdow]

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it`s no longer available.

MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don`t need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world`s most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like MacBeer`s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the WindowsBeer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of WindowsBeer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that it`s cans won`t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer,but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that over 9 Million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
The newest beer on the market. A lot of people have tast tested it and claim it`s wonderful. The can looks like Mac Beer`s can, but tastes like Windows3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 95 Beers, after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some wierd German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn`t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn`t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you`re told that it is propietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians` Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

[Chris42050]

Another HOw did helen kellers parents punish her?

They left the plunger in the toilet.

[thecavemankevin]

A penguin is driving down the road one day and suddenly something goes wrong with his car. So he pulls over into a small gas station with a mechanics shop. He goes over to the mechanic and askes him to take a look at it. The mechanic says "leave the keys in it and i will take a look at it in a few minutes."

So while the penguin is waiting he goes across the street to the ice cream shop and gets a vanila ice cream cone. However, since he is a penguin and only has flippers and no opposed thumb, he has great difficulty eating it and get vanila ice cream all over his face.

He then goes back across the road to the shop and askes the mechanic what is wrong with the car. To that the mechanic replied "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin then says, "no, its just vanila ice cream."

[TraXeR]

A penguin is driving down the road one day and suddenly something goes wrong with his car. So he pulls over into a small gas station with a mechanics shop. He goes over to the mechanic and askes him to take a look at it. The mechanic says "leave the keys in it and i will take a look at it in a few minutes."

So while the penguin is waiting he goes across the street to the ice cream shop and gets a vanila ice cream cone. However, since he is a penguin and only has flippers and no opposed thumb, he has great difficulty eating it and get vanila ice cream all over his face.

He then goes back across the road to the shop and askes the mechanic what is wrong with the car. To that the mechanic replied "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin then says, "no, its just vanila ice cream."

That was decent actually... And on the term of THAT kind of joke..

What do you say about Monica Lewinsky with her cheeks full?

..with holding evidence..

Bad dum ching!

[Chris42050]

Speaking of Monika Lewinski.

Monika went to the doctor to get her love handles removed. The Doctor tells her "Dont you think youll look funny without your ears".

[TrixLCD]

How do you drowned a blonde?













Put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of a pool

[thecavemankevin]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."

(credit to ebaumsworld.com)

[elpimpo]

Q. what do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. slap her

Q. why did the woman cross the road?
A. who cares what was she doing out of the kitchen

Q. why don't woman need watches?
A. there's a clock on the stove

Q. how many men does it take to open a beer?
A. none. it should be open by the time it gets there

Q. why don't woman need drivers licenses?
A. there's not a road btw the kitchen and the bedroom

Q. why do woman have short feet?
A. so they can stand closer to the stove