Wow, if you guys haven't noticed I haven't been on AO or the feild at all for a while. Well heres my life story as of this school year and how I slipped through the cracks of society into a dark underworld of addiction and depression. I start school, become lonely and depressed. Meet a girl, Anna. She becomes my best friend. We spend every day together. We would smoke weed almost everyday scince she sold it. We decide to get together in about october. We have some good times, always happy, always laughing, always together, she would call me as soon as I left her house to go home, we would stay on the phone until 3:00 in the morning talking about stupid crap, or how much we make eachother happy and how I was the best thing to ever happen to her, and how she loves me more than anyone in the world. Just listening to eachother breath until we fell asleep then woke up and one of us decided to hang say goodnite. One day she said she wanted to change her ways, and she promised me that she wouldn't do it with anyone else for a year, and if she did it would be me and when the year is over I would be the first and I would lose my virginity to her, after a while, it turned into when we had the chance we would do it(but it was still on even after we break up). It really meant alot to me because I "loved" her so much, and I really wanted to lost my virginity to her. But a few months down the road, she calls off her promise and said she just can't do it with me without an explination(thats wasn't good for my self esteem) I noticed that things felt akward between us, she started treating me weird and like didn't even want to hug me, I picked up a weird vibe so I wouldn't sit by her when we went places on the bus, when we got places. She breaks up with me because I was fat in about late november, a couple days before thanksgiving, a couple days after she gave me my first kiss. I cried myself to sleep for a good couple weeks. I soon realize that she is the biggest lieing ho in the world. She was 14 and had ****ed almost 30 guys within the last year. But its too late. I already fell in "love". So I lost 30 pounds for her(I'm at 50 now). We get back together after she gets with a guy(Frank) who was a total idiot/*******/wangster, who she treated me(her best friend, or at least thats what she called me scince about a month after we met) like total crap. But I liked her so much, and I was a lonely fat guy. So we get together a couple days after Christmas. And we break up right when school is about to start. So we were together less than a week. But in that week we actually did "stuff" not all that but ya, we made out and stuff. Then she broke up with me. About 2 weeks later she comes over my house and we go a couple steps further. But not all the way.
Soon after she finds out she's pregnant. She hides it from me until I overhear a phone conversation. Then I soon find out that it was by my friend Anthony, Frank's best friend. Well I also find out that it was while she was with me.
*I remember the night it happened. We were at her house, home alone, it was the chance we were waiting for. It was January 3rd(the day before she broke up with me). I asked her about it and she pretty much rejected me and makes me feel stupid for bringing it up. So she calles Frank and Anthony up. They come over drunk. We all blaze when they get there. Anna is being all flirty with both of them. I'm with her so I'm getting really mad, but don't say anything. Frank leaves. Anthony passes out on Anna's bed. She knows I'm mad when I'm about to leave when my dad came to pick me up. When I'm about to leave, before I open the door, she kisses me and says, "I'm sorry for doing all this bull**** tonight, I don't know why I was doing it. I just want you to know, you don't have to worry about anything you can trust me, and remember I love you." she kisses me again. All my worries fly away, I leave with the biggest smile on my face because I love her so much, and she was mine and she loved me. And then I find out that right after I left she pretty much gos in her room and starts getting all up on Anthony and they do it. When I found out it crushed me so much, any bit of self esteem I had scrapped up and tried to hold on to, got thrown into the wind. All she could say was "it happened oh well". She knew before we got together, that that was the one thing I told her to never do is cheat on me, and she did it. I soon find out that she never really liked me. Only as a friend, and as much as she says its not because I'm fat, I can't beleive her ever again. I felt worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and broken. Well after a month or so our friendship starts mending. But my heart and mind to this day haven't.*
And she's with another guy. But I was still with her like all the time. And every now and then we would be in her room and things would happen. And scince I still liked her so much, I wouldn't object, I would just go with it. And then feel guilty about it afterwards. It was around this time that I started drinking more than every now and then. Then one day we blazed with some guy we met at the bus stop, lets call him Louie because...well thats his name. I could tell she liked him right away. This was in about early march I think. So I right away didn't like him, first off, I could tell he was a total ***. Within the first week she ditches me to hang out with him like 4 times. And I get mad and confront her about it and tell her how hes an ******* whos just looking for a peice of ***. And she didn't beleive me and got really mad at me. Then after about a month of being around him(while being with her other boyfriend) we goto a party, everyone gets drunk. Everyone seems to have somebody except for me and is messing around, so I just sit there depressed as all hell with the big bottle of vodka and drink about a quarter of a 2 litter bottle. Anna is going all crazy, running around with her shirt off, everyone licking chocolate off her nipples. She starts passing out and stuff, so Louie takes her upstairs and ends up screwing her while she's passed out.
*Oh ya, that party is pretty much how my current group of friends formed. To describe us, its easy. We're street kids, we hang out in the cuts, the allys, the back of the school, the bus stops, the parks, drinking, smoking weed, breaking things, causing havoc. We are the dirty underbelly of society, that everyone wants to ignore but can't because we're everywhere. We're the group of kids on the corner that you hope your children aren't associating with. But if you continue to ignore who they are and their feelings, and keep the cover of undeserved trust over your eyes, its going to happen. But anyways we aren't your normal street kids that go out and look for fights, goto the mall to look cool with your group of trendily dressed friends. We don't give a crap about you, because we know you don't give a crap about us. We do what we want, we aren't trying to impress anyone. We are our own people, and we don't need to be anything that we're not while we're around eachother.*
After that day she admits to being in love with him. And she is pretty much "with" him, they were with eachother all the time, she would take him to her house all the time to screw him. She soon realized that he was just in it for the ***, and didn't even like her, but she didn't care, she "loved" him dispite that. I pretty much didn't have a best friend from March until about 2 weeks ago. I have been drinking pretty much everyday for about 2 months, and smoking weed on top of it. Every day, I feel myself getting deeper and deeper into a dark pit of depression and hatred for the world and myself. I've become a dark, unhappy person inside. Never a time to feel good about myself. Any time that I seem happy is an act. My head has been screwed with too much in my life, and Anna was the last...10 straws that broke the camel's back. Now here I am, I'm too weak minded to deal with my problems, so I'm just drinking and smoking my life away and every second I'm sober I just sit there feeling the after effects of overwealming depression from the alcohol, hating that I have to be alive, I wish I would die, but I'm too much of a wuss to kill myself, and because mabe deep inside I have a small amount of hope that things can get better, but they don't seem to be looking up. Hell I'm even drunk right now. I didn't. When I don't have money I beg for money in front of liquor stores, or I barrow money from people and never pay them back because as soon as I get money I buy more alcohol, cigarettes or weed. And if me and my friends can't get money for our alcohol, we steel it. I'm not against stealing, I'm against getting cought by the police. I would never actually steal, but I would be an accomplice. We've gotten cought a good number of times. But luckily not by the police. But theres about 3 liquor stores that I can't go around anymore.
I pretty much messed up my chance to goto a decent college because I've messed up in school so bad this year. I've went from a's and b's in the beginning of a year, to c's(rare) d's and f's. I feel that my life is hopeless now and don't see much of a point to anything. I really can't blame anyone but myself for all of this. I can't blame my parents becuase they know nothing about my life, I wake up and goto school, I come home, and goto sleep, thats all they know. I know nobody cares about anything I just said, and I'm not looking for help. I just felt like sharing the bull**** in my life. And if anyone on here knew me, I'm not who I was, and I doubt I ever will be that person again.
*Oh ya, I forgot to mention that Louie got tired of her being obsessed with him, he got with his old girlfriend and told her to never talk to him again. Now shes being all nice to me and stuff. But she said that she dosen't like me, not not because I'm fat but because I'm so depressed and I bring her down, and I think thats pretty messed up scince its kinda her fault that I'm like this*
Soon after she finds out she's pregnant. She hides it from me until I overhear a phone conversation. Then I soon find out that it was by my friend Anthony, Frank's best friend. Well I also find out that it was while she was with me.
*I remember the night it happened. We were at her house, home alone, it was the chance we were waiting for. It was January 3rd(the day before she broke up with me). I asked her about it and she pretty much rejected me and makes me feel stupid for bringing it up. So she calles Frank and Anthony up. They come over drunk. We all blaze when they get there. Anna is being all flirty with both of them. I'm with her so I'm getting really mad, but don't say anything. Frank leaves. Anthony passes out on Anna's bed. She knows I'm mad when I'm about to leave when my dad came to pick me up. When I'm about to leave, before I open the door, she kisses me and says, "I'm sorry for doing all this bull**** tonight, I don't know why I was doing it. I just want you to know, you don't have to worry about anything you can trust me, and remember I love you." she kisses me again. All my worries fly away, I leave with the biggest smile on my face because I love her so much, and she was mine and she loved me. And then I find out that right after I left she pretty much gos in her room and starts getting all up on Anthony and they do it. When I found out it crushed me so much, any bit of self esteem I had scrapped up and tried to hold on to, got thrown into the wind. All she could say was "it happened oh well". She knew before we got together, that that was the one thing I told her to never do is cheat on me, and she did it. I soon find out that she never really liked me. Only as a friend, and as much as she says its not because I'm fat, I can't beleive her ever again. I felt worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and broken. Well after a month or so our friendship starts mending. But my heart and mind to this day haven't.*
And she's with another guy. But I was still with her like all the time. And every now and then we would be in her room and things would happen. And scince I still liked her so much, I wouldn't object, I would just go with it. And then feel guilty about it afterwards. It was around this time that I started drinking more than every now and then. Then one day we blazed with some guy we met at the bus stop, lets call him Louie because...well thats his name. I could tell she liked him right away. This was in about early march I think. So I right away didn't like him, first off, I could tell he was a total ***. Within the first week she ditches me to hang out with him like 4 times. And I get mad and confront her about it and tell her how hes an ******* whos just looking for a peice of ***. And she didn't beleive me and got really mad at me. Then after about a month of being around him(while being with her other boyfriend) we goto a party, everyone gets drunk. Everyone seems to have somebody except for me and is messing around, so I just sit there depressed as all hell with the big bottle of vodka and drink about a quarter of a 2 litter bottle. Anna is going all crazy, running around with her shirt off, everyone licking chocolate off her nipples. She starts passing out and stuff, so Louie takes her upstairs and ends up screwing her while she's passed out.
*Oh ya, that party is pretty much how my current group of friends formed. To describe us, its easy. We're street kids, we hang out in the cuts, the allys, the back of the school, the bus stops, the parks, drinking, smoking weed, breaking things, causing havoc. We are the dirty underbelly of society, that everyone wants to ignore but can't because we're everywhere. We're the group of kids on the corner that you hope your children aren't associating with. But if you continue to ignore who they are and their feelings, and keep the cover of undeserved trust over your eyes, its going to happen. But anyways we aren't your normal street kids that go out and look for fights, goto the mall to look cool with your group of trendily dressed friends. We don't give a crap about you, because we know you don't give a crap about us. We do what we want, we aren't trying to impress anyone. We are our own people, and we don't need to be anything that we're not while we're around eachother.*
After that day she admits to being in love with him. And she is pretty much "with" him, they were with eachother all the time, she would take him to her house all the time to screw him. She soon realized that he was just in it for the ***, and didn't even like her, but she didn't care, she "loved" him dispite that. I pretty much didn't have a best friend from March until about 2 weeks ago. I have been drinking pretty much everyday for about 2 months, and smoking weed on top of it. Every day, I feel myself getting deeper and deeper into a dark pit of depression and hatred for the world and myself. I've become a dark, unhappy person inside. Never a time to feel good about myself. Any time that I seem happy is an act. My head has been screwed with too much in my life, and Anna was the last...10 straws that broke the camel's back. Now here I am, I'm too weak minded to deal with my problems, so I'm just drinking and smoking my life away and every second I'm sober I just sit there feeling the after effects of overwealming depression from the alcohol, hating that I have to be alive, I wish I would die, but I'm too much of a wuss to kill myself, and because mabe deep inside I have a small amount of hope that things can get better, but they don't seem to be looking up. Hell I'm even drunk right now. I didn't. When I don't have money I beg for money in front of liquor stores, or I barrow money from people and never pay them back because as soon as I get money I buy more alcohol, cigarettes or weed. And if me and my friends can't get money for our alcohol, we steel it. I'm not against stealing, I'm against getting cought by the police. I would never actually steal, but I would be an accomplice. We've gotten cought a good number of times. But luckily not by the police. But theres about 3 liquor stores that I can't go around anymore.
I pretty much messed up my chance to goto a decent college because I've messed up in school so bad this year. I've went from a's and b's in the beginning of a year, to c's(rare) d's and f's. I feel that my life is hopeless now and don't see much of a point to anything. I really can't blame anyone but myself for all of this. I can't blame my parents becuase they know nothing about my life, I wake up and goto school, I come home, and goto sleep, thats all they know. I know nobody cares about anything I just said, and I'm not looking for help. I just felt like sharing the bull**** in my life. And if anyone on here knew me, I'm not who I was, and I doubt I ever will be that person again.
*Oh ya, I forgot to mention that Louie got tired of her being obsessed with him, he got with his old girlfriend and told her to never talk to him again. Now shes being all nice to me and stuff. But she said that she dosen't like me, not not because I'm fat but because I'm so depressed and I bring her down, and I think thats pretty messed up scince its kinda her fault that I'm like this*
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